AIBU to not know whether to try for a 4th baby after a stillbirth, or stop at 3?

[Snickersgalaxy]

I’m really struggling with whether to try for a 4th baby or not. We currently have 3 children, DD11, DS9, DS7. all close in age and very bonded.

Originally, I always imagined having 2, then a big gap, then another 2. But number 3 was a surprise, so because the age gaps ended up being small, all three are close together.

Earlier this year I was supposed to have our 4th, a little girl. I gave birth at 28 weeks and she was stillborn. We were so close, and all I’d ever wanted was for my eldest to have a sister. Losing her was heartbreaking. I’ve had therapy, and I fully understand I can’t replace her, but the longing and broodiness are still there at times.

A few months later, I applied for a nursing degree and started this September. Now that life is getting structured again, I keep thinking… do we actually want another baby?

Our kids are older, much more independent. We have such lovely quality time now, days out, holidays, just a really good family dynamic. Part of me feels so content and peaceful with the idea of stopping at 3.

But when I’m alone, I still picture what it would have been like for us to experience pregnancy, birth, and welcoming a new little one, especially after losing our angel baby. It’s not about replacing her; it’s wishing we could have had that joy as a family.

Realistically, if we had another, it would be after my degree and once I’m settled into a job. By then there would be around a 12-year age gap between DC3 and a new baby. And that worries me, would it disrupt our dynamic? Would the youngest feel left out because the older three are close in age and have more in common?

At the same time, I have moments of absolute clarity where I think our family feels complete. Three is perfect. Maybe it’s time to enjoy this stage and move forward.

For reference, I’m 32, and part of my original dream was that by my 40s, I’d have older kids so I could have more “me time”, focus on my career, afford holidays, and enjoy life with them as they grow.

So I’m soooooo torn. should I try for a 4th in a few years, or cherish the 3 amazing children I already have and close this chapter?

Would love to hear from anyone who’s had big gaps between children, or who decided to stop after a still birth, even though a part of them was still broody.

I am so sorry for your loss. Do you think these feelings are part of grieving your baby?

Given everything else you have written, I would work towards accepting your family as it is- perfect, as you say, and with room for you to have a career and your own interests, enjoy life and your children. It sounds as if what you already have is likely to give you all that you want, notwithstanding your natural grief and sense of loss around your baby who died.

wishing you peace x

I also am sorry for your loss. Personally I would say this is maybe nature advising you to call it a day as your family situation might be wonderful as it is and thankfully you all seem well.

Honestly even though you are young it would delay the next stage of your life and massively hold back your nursing career. You have another 9 years before your youngest is 16 why would you want add another 16 years to the situation?

@WearyCat i think you’re right, it could have a lot with grieving my baby or what could have been. Baby 4 was planned, anticipated and awaited with all the love. The hardest thing was telling our children the baby didn’t make it, as they were excited every step of the way and were very involved. My DD still has moments where she cries. This is my second preterm loss (first loss was my b baby boy at 22 weeks) and they have experienced both losses.

@Blueandred1 my partner is very understanding, and he would also love to have another one, but we both share the same view on this.

I think the hormonal rollercoaster of losing a baby leaves you with a strong desire for another - and also leaving the baby/younger age stage with your children. And as you get older and near menopause.

But as your children grow and you can do more of the things with them that you couldn't do with a younger child in tow, you come to terms with it more. x

but we both share the same view on this.

which is? Not to go ahead?

in that case, it’s a no brainer

I’m sorry to hear about the loss of both your DD and DS.

I would say it’s hard to tell right now how You’ll feel in a few years.

Congratulations on getting in your nursing degree course.

I would just say if you aren’t planning on another until after your degree and securing a job then wait until that time and see how you feel then. It may be the grief, it may be natural hormones due to age or it may be that you absolutely are sure you want another and when that time is right you TTC.

Why are you desperate to derail. She clearly said her partner was supportive and happy to try again for a 4th too.

But then says both on same page re not wanting to

Sorry for your loss op. Whilst I have no useful advice as to whether you ought to go ahead, as someone that has had a late loss I would say that if you do decide to try again the pregnancy may well be stressful. I was on high alert and stressed until my baby was in my arms as I was so aware of what could go wrong.

Finish your nursing degree, do a year as a NQN then revisit the idea of having another baby.

I am sorry for the loss of your little girl and your little boy.

I have not experienced stillbirth as I lost my little girl around 4.5 months pregnant and my little boy around 5.5 months pregnant. I miss them every day but in different ways.

My last pregnancy resulted in a living baby thankfully and I ended it there, but with one fewer children than I feel like I should have had. I miss my first lost baby (my first ever pregnancy) but I don’t have any real idea about who or what she could have been, especially as I wasn’t allowed to name her or mourn her. So I miss her more as a concept. I knew who my little boy was, who he could have been, I had more of an idea about what I’d lost and yes, it made a difference that his siblings also experienced the loss with me. It was more allowed for me to grieve as people had known I was pregnant. Although I still wasn’t allowed to name or bury him, as he didn’t officially exist, I still talk about him.

I will always feel like I have at least one less child than I should have and that will always make me sad, but not sad enough to have another - my children are older, I don’t want to start again. But there is a hole in the middle of the family, maybe one only I see, but I do see it.

I am sorry for your loss. I can’t speak on having another after such a loss but I am someone who was the youngest child of a big gap. My brothers are 9 and 11 years older than me. I loved it. I had my mum and dad to myself a lot as the boys were older and a lot of benefits of an only child but with the bonus of having brothers who were also really good to me!

@SheSpeaks
gosh I am so sorry for your loss and what you went through, and thank you so much for sharing. I’m hoping you find peace with your losses and you mourn and remember them the way you want to 💐

@itsgettingweird @333FionaG thank you, makes sense to get my degree done and then see how I feel about it. But I’m an over thinker and it’s something that’s constantly in my mind!

@mummytrex I’m so sorry for your loss, and yes thats another of my worry!

@Blueandred1
@BustSeamBridesmaid

I understand mumsnet has a small corner for vile commenters and you both might be from this corner, but I am not going to entertain you, I will ignore both of your input for this post. Not every post there’s something to sniff out, some posts are just from mothers who are in need of other mothers or women’s advice. Thank you.

@adamduritzvocalchords wow that’s a perspective you don’t come across much from big age gaps siblings! thanks for sharing x

I think for me a big factor would be whether a cause for your late losses has been identified? Having two losses after 22 weeks is statistically very improbable just purely from bad luck, so it does make me wonder whether there is an underlying issue. Have you had the opportunity to speak to an obstetrician/foetal maternal medicine consultant to establish what the risk is of a future stillbirth/late miscarriage and if anything can be done to reduce that risk?

I had a miscarriage after longer for another dc for years (my son was 17 at the time) after that the broodiness was much stronger as I’d remembered what it felt like to be pregnant again, knew my body could etc….
Anyway a few years later I rescued a very small puppy, even now fully grown she’s only 2kg - and as silly as it sounds she completely satisfies that broodiness!
My sons now 22 and I’m 45 so still young and loving my ability to travel and the freedom that comes with still being young and having an adult child.

I’m sorry for your two losses. So tragic. I would be very worried about going through further loss, but of course it could have been bad luck both times and not linked or likely to reoccur. I have 14yrs between sons 1 & 2, and have a DD. She is 18 in a few months and I do feel like i’ve been parenting forever. I’ve been doing the school drop off for 27yrs! Maybe revisit after your degree, you may know then if you want another child or not.

I have the same experience - two brothers, same age gaps. It was wonderful! I think the nice thing about a large gap is that there's no overlap in needs and wants really, so less squabbling to be had. The older ones interact with the youngest when they want to but also have plenty of independence too.

That having been said, it sounds like you have a lovely family as it is and so much good stuff going on that (if I were you) you could focus on and enjoy. I wouldn't personally want to risk another miscarriage or stillbirth, I wouldn't be able to handle it so you are definitely much stronger than me!

@Largestlegocollectionever I'm sorry for the loss you have experienced, I’m happy to hear that you can get through it and enjoy life as it is without giving into the want for the baby you’ve lost. 💐 what you’ve just shared is so valuable to me, coz the broodyness I get is crazy, I think coupled with grief. & I actually do have a cat but she likes my partner more! Haha

We stopped at 3. Dh had a vasectomy straight away as I know my broodiness would never go away and I needed the choice removed.

Logically 3 was enough for us to deal with and I didn't want to let my longings push us into an unwise choice.

You have all been through so much with 2 still births. Id focus on your degree and then career, then see how you feel.

@pbdr according to the tests they ran, on both myself and the placenta, they concluded that both of my losses “just happened” as they said. Everything came back normal. The first loss the pregnancy failed but my baby was born well and alive and lived for around 20 mins. Second loss the pregnancy was going fine but my baby’s heart stopped and I had to give birth to her. My lifestyle is very mundane and low risk. Which makes it very hard to understand how it can “just happen”.