AIBU to not know whether to try for a 4th baby after a stillbirth, or stop at 3?

[Snickersgalaxy]

I’m really struggling with whether to try for a 4th baby or not. We currently have 3 children, DD11, DS9, DS7. all close in age and very bonded.

Originally, I always imagined having 2, then a big gap, then another 2. But number 3 was a surprise, so because the age gaps ended up being small, all three are close together.

Earlier this year I was supposed to have our 4th, a little girl. I gave birth at 28 weeks and she was stillborn. We were so close, and all I’d ever wanted was for my eldest to have a sister. Losing her was heartbreaking. I’ve had therapy, and I fully understand I can’t replace her, but the longing and broodiness are still there at times.

A few months later, I applied for a nursing degree and started this September. Now that life is getting structured again, I keep thinking… do we actually want another baby?

Our kids are older, much more independent. We have such lovely quality time now, days out, holidays, just a really good family dynamic. Part of me feels so content and peaceful with the idea of stopping at 3.

But when I’m alone, I still picture what it would have been like for us to experience pregnancy, birth, and welcoming a new little one, especially after losing our angel baby. It’s not about replacing her; it’s wishing we could have had that joy as a family.

Realistically, if we had another, it would be after my degree and once I’m settled into a job. By then there would be around a 12-year age gap between DC3 and a new baby. And that worries me, would it disrupt our dynamic? Would the youngest feel left out because the older three are close in age and have more in common?

At the same time, I have moments of absolute clarity where I think our family feels complete. Three is perfect. Maybe it’s time to enjoy this stage and move forward.

For reference, I’m 32, and part of my original dream was that by my 40s, I’d have older kids so I could have more “me time”, focus on my career, afford holidays, and enjoy life with them as they grow.

So I’m soooooo torn. should I try for a 4th in a few years, or cherish the 3 amazing children I already have and close this chapter?

Would love to hear from anyone who’s had big gaps between children, or who decided to stop after a still birth, even though a part of them was still broody.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
My 3 kids were 14,11 & 8 when dd was born.

its a long way back and dd is now 16 and like an only child at the moment, the others are living away and not great to stay in touch. She never had the day to day lifestyle or closeness the other 3 had. She know’s no difference but I do and I’m a little sad for her .

Not an easy choice but in your shoes I wouldn’t go again.

As someone who also had stillborn - in our case twins - I’d say stop.

We went on to have two babies 15 and 27 months after the loss of our twins but from almost the moment they passed I felt a gnawing to have a baby again. I think if you’re questioning it, and at this stage in your life with your career and your other children’s age gap, it’s normal to think it over and let go of the idea.

I’m sorry for the loss of your daughter, it’s absolutely horrific to go through.

Sorry for your loss , but you've had a 22 weeker and a 28 weeker, chances of another pre-term baby is high, and with prematurity comes high risk of disability. How would your family (existing kids, finances, marriage) cope with this?

Unless you are planning on having another 2, (as I got the feeling that you like to have a sibling close in age) I would stop. You already have a 3 that are close together. If a 4th one were to happen, they wouldn't be close to the older 3 and will pretty much be an only child as the other ones are likely to move out when they are very young.

Your family sounds wonderful. I feel like having another baby now will mess up the existing dynamic & mean you can't do as much with the older ones. Also what if you have another still birth or a severely disabled child? This would take you away from your three children even more. I'm so sorry for your losses, must have been awful. Take care. x

I am so sorry .
I have 3 , 2 close together then my 3rd born after a miscarriage ,the oldest is 11 years older than the 3rd.
The hardest thing was having to tell my 2 that our baby didn't make it so for me when you said you and your children have gone through that twice i think it would be a no from me.
It does sound that maybe this is connected to your grief ,understandably.
Your family sound lovely and you have so much to look forward to maybe your degree and options that will bring should be your aim, whatever you decide i hope things work out for you.
Any vile comments you receive on here aren't worth a reply , these 'types' just enjoy sticking the knife in with their worthless opinions.

I am so sorry for your losses. I think big age gaps can be fine but I don't think I'd be able to take the risk just because of how traumatic it can be when it goes wrong. It's heartbreaking to think about the loss of another baby. Our last baby was very preterm and we were the lucky ones because he made it through very well with no real long term challenges, but even that experience is something that I wouldn't want to have to put our family (or a new baby) through again.

I'm so sorry for your losses.

No one can answer for you, but I think there's something about coming to terms with your family being a different shape than you planned. I would have liked 3 or 4 kids close in age. I have two, nine years apart, after several rounds of IVF. We went for another go with a frozen embryo which was unexpectedly successful and then we lost the baby 4 months in. It was a very hard time. With my age and our issues we couldn't try again.

5 years on I still get sad about my missing ones (had another mc along the way) and I think I always will but I've come to terms with it and life is good.

im so sorry. I had triplets who were stillborn, we decided against having anymore as I wouldnt be able to cope if it happened again.

I've been on the same journey. My baby twins died in late 2023. One was stillborn and their twin died in the nicu 3 days later in my arms.

No one can tell you how to feel. It's the worst thing a parent can face. Just make sure you take time to heal. I got pregnant 8 months later, I spent the first 8 months so numb, so empty wanting my arms to be full again. I obsessed over getting pregnant when really my heart was aching for my little babies. I'm so glad I did get pregnant and finally brought a baby home but I know now, any earlier would have been so detrimental to me and dh due to our grief. Getting pregnant after our boys died was also so scary. The whole pregnancy was tough but we were tsken care of due to their loss.

You deserve to get as much support as possible. This loss is life long. You will grieve your daughter forever but there is light and you will smile again. From one angel(s) mother to another, I wish you so much peace

There's a big gap between me and my siblings (more than 10 years) and it was horrible tbh. I think there can be a lot of jealously and resentment, the older siblings often end up thinking the younger one is spoilt etc. I'm LC with my older siblings and I had a VERY lonely childhood.

When you say that you and your partner “both share the same view on this”, what do you mean? That you are both torn?

Edited I linked to the wrong post, so sorry, this was a reply to the lady with the kitten experience.
I had an at the time bizarre conversation with my GP that actually for me, nailed it.
Pre kids I'd never had a strong maternal urge but
by 32 was busy with two children.and just desperately wanted a third, the craving was off the scale.
The GP suggested a kitten, we laughed about the pharmacy have a box behind the counter and I moved on with the hormonal rushes cycling around.
We did get a puppy and it just knocked it on the head. I can only compare it to HRT later in life cutting through hormonal anxiety and giving me normality back.
We would have been great parents to three, my heart would have expanded but actually two close together has worked out perfectly. It allowed us to enjoy the baby bit, then move on, focus on young children activities, then move on.
My friend with 4, although lovely is embracing the new and not as nostalgic as me about the stage behind, she permanently has a foot in both camps and shifts her favourite from one to another but never has that clear exit until she is totally tired of it.
I wish you well.

A teen and a toddler is not the easiest combo OP, I would stop at the lovely family you already have. I couldn't risk putting the kids through another loss, let alone you and your dh. Also if your next was born very early they might have a* *disability that really impacts all of your lives. You have 3 wonderful children, I would stick with that.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your babies. I think it's too early to make such a decision. Finish your degree and see how you both feel then. You'll still have time if you want to have another baby.
Good luck with your degree x

I’m so sorry for your loss, I truly am.

But listen, people can be unfair about age gaps.

My children are currently 23, 11 and 5. They all adore each other and are so close. The age gaps don’t mean anything. And I heard it all having my youngest, “your eldest is 18! Why would you do this to yourself?” Like it was some form of torture.

You do what feels best for you.