To be upset by MIL’s comments two days postpartum

[Kat9876]

MIL came to visit two days after having my baby. I ended up having a c section. I also have a two year old toddler so things are pretty stretched right now.

MIL showed up with a box of roses for me and DH to share as a gift. She then said to DH ‘I was going to get her (me) flowers but I know you (DH) wouldn’t be too bothered with flowers, so I got chocolates instead as I know you like them more. It is your baby too after all’

At this point I was two days after major abdominal surgery breastfeeding around the clock. Saying it’s his baby too just felt like quite a strange thing to say.

DH stepped in and said I can’t take the credit as wife did all the work with bringing baby into world.

I then had one of the chocolates and I put the wrapper in the tub as was feeding baby and too sore to go to him to put wrapper in it. She snatched the wrapper out the box and said don’t put the wrapper back into the box it really annoys me when people do that. Not a major deal but when you’re recovering from surgery felt like the telling off I did not ask for.

My MIL has a history of being insensitive towards others. AIBU that this has bothered me?

YANBU. She sounds like a cow.

No you're not being sensitive. I would have told her to fuck off out of the house.

Ignore her. She is annoying and you are being a little sensitive. Just carry on putting the wrappers in the box, because they are your chocolates and you can do what you like with them.

YABU. I understand you are in pain and feeling emotional and vulnerable but tbh you are seeing insults where none exist.

Congratulations, and I hope you feel better soon.

Oh yikes. This feels a bit like territory marking. Yes, the baby is both of yours. But 2 days postpartum you are the one who is recovering/ has done all the work.

My MIL was in contrast lovely. Made a point to ask how I was and brought flowers. (Saying this before all the people claiming no one ever says nice things about MILs on these threads turn up!). Most people are kinder and more tactful than your MIL has been. Good your DH stepped in.

Very insensitive. Quite clearly you’re the person who has laboured, suffered and in pain for this baby. His contribution has been exceedingly minimal. There is no comparison between what a man and women go through in pregnancy and birth. I suspect that she’s already paranoid about being the less important grandparent. have your parents had a lot more to do with your older child?

You’re fretting over this unnecessarily.

I'm still resentful now at something similar...

I had a traumatic birth with dc1 including major blood loss and sepsis. I was so so weak and frail. DMIL posted a photo (without asking permission!) of me and dh and the baby on her Facebook.

One of her friends commented: lovely baby! The poor mum looks so tired!

Mil's response: oh they BOTH are tired from looking after the baby

Ffs.

Edit to add - she's a fab grandmother and MIL and I'm beyond grateful of how supportive she's been since. But she was horribly insensitive when I was postpartum with my first

What does she think she can achieve by treating you so poorly?
Cut her visits way back. Surrounded yourself with supportive people. You don't need that kind of negativity.

From now on, let your husband deal with her. If you previously organised visits, texts, updates, meals, birthday and Christmas presents then stop. If your husband steps up to do it then fine. If not then tough shit for her. She made her bed...

Congratulations, and yes, you have done all the hard work bringing a baby into the world. At least your DH stood up for you on this.

You can put the wrappers from YOUR chocolates wherever you bloody well like!

Being told off for putting a chocolate wrapper in the box is an insult. OP is in her own home and can do what she likes. If she is sat there breastfeeding the baby what is she supposed to do with the wrapper? Stop feeding the baby and get up to put the wrapper in the bin.

If she had given it to her DH to put in the bin, no doubt her MIL would criticise her for making her DH do all the work. Her MIL sounds horrible.

YANBU but with 2 children you are in for the long haul with her.

But DH is being a DH which is always a plus and gets him points.

Rather that get upset with her attitude try make it a game as to how rude a comment she will come up with in the shortest space of time work out a fun reward system of stuff to do with DH to make it a game worth playing🍿

Congrats on the baby

Eat all the chocolate. In another room to breastfeed in private. Be mean to mum, don't see baby.

YANBU, and it sounds like she can’t be trusted to be sensitive (or even a bit polite) in the immediate aftermath of serious life events, so she might just have to miss out on those moments whenever they next crop up. ❤️

Congratulations on the baby, OP, and I get that you’re tired, but for heaven’s sake, just say ‘Well, I’m fine with it’ and keep chowing through the chocolates and putting the wrappers back in the box. Or keep handing them individually to your MIL to bin.

Annoying and out of order, but hardly a terrible insult. And a lot depends on how it was said (could have been 'jokingly', though of course that would still be annoying).

Not worth anything more than being mildly and momentarily peeved over. Blame your hormones.

My sister will never forget what her mother-in-law said after her emergency c-section because baby was 2 weeks overdue, "I hope baby turns out slim like her Dad". Cow. She didn't have the slim gene her son inherited.

She obviously meant she'd chosen something you'd both enjoy because she wanted to treat / celebrate you both.

Of course you are the one who gave birth, but she's not wrong that you're both parents. I should think it's better overall that she's pointing out how he's jointly responsible rather than excusing him.

You should eat all the chocolates

DH stepped in and said I can’t take the credit as wife did all the work with bringing baby into world.

Focus on this op. Your dh matters way more than your MIL and he understands what you've been thru.

I'm determined that if my son ever has a wife who has a child, I will NOT forget how tough childbirth was and I'll be as sympathetic and helpful as I needed when I was in that situation. And not do the "both sides" crap with my son. There is no symmetry whatsoever in childbirth - the mum goes through everything.

I also bit my own mum's head off when she praised my dh for being "hands on". When I've breastfed my children for over 4 years in total, and ffs I bore and birthed them too.

Argh. Tbf my mum has come a long way over the years from a very very sexist upbringing.

Op I can't link but hopefully someone else can link to the unkind mils thread. I think it's called somerhng about mils have said ?

I think criticizing any new mum over anything is absolutely disgraceful behaviour and not on whether it's as petty ( of mil ) over a sweet wrapper or criticism of breastfeeding doing it or not.

Not on.

Op id nip this in the bud immediately and ask DH to push back hard esp with risks of baby blues, plummeting hormones ..

She must not feel comfortable in any way shape or form to critique you at all.

And you snap back.

Is this the most important thing to you mil as I'm post partum recovering with a new born ??????????¿¿????????

I'm determined that if my son ever has a wife who has a child, I will NOT forget how tough childbirth was

When I read these threads about how awfully the MiL treats their DiL after she has given birth I wonder if she remembers all too well what childbirth is like but because of past attitudes towards woman and childbirth and child rearing itself and because of the unpleasant experiences she had herself she is somehow getting some vindictive pleasure out of behaving the way she is to her DiL.

To ask you what the worst thing your mil has said or done to you

It's there now op.

It's not personal it's a seething jealously that comes out