Realistic expectations for 11 year old

[Thindle]

Hello everyone. My DD is currently in Y6, I’m a single parent, with limited local family support. I’m trying to figure out exactly how our schedule will change when DD moves onto senior school next year.

Our preferred school is the local independent school, it’s not massively academically pushy and I think that’s the right environment for DD. It’s about 30 minutes walk away but DD could easily do it on bike in 10/15 minutes. The school day is 8.20-3.45 in Y7-Y9. I have to leave for work at 7.30 latest, right now DD goes to breakfast club. I am not normally home from work until 5.30 but occasionally this can be closer to 6. The school has after school sports clubs and a homework club which we have been told is very popular that run until 5pm. We have been told to expect about 5 hours a week of homework in Y7 and 8.
Assuming DD continues with the same hobbies she does now, she would have two training sessions before school in the week 6-7, I would drop her off at these then pick her up and take her home before I go to work. After school she would have 4 nights of activities in the winter, maybe 5 in the summer term only. Mostly 7-8.30 sort of times.

What I’m thinking right now is on a day where she doesn’t have training in the morning, she would get up around 7, shower, have breakfast, probably while I’m leaving for work, then she would be left to lock up and leave for school around 7:50depending on if she was walking or cycling.
In the evening she would stay for homework club or some sort of after school club most days, leave at 5 and be home around 5:15/5:30, so probably a little earlier than me on the average day but potentially up to an hour before me on a day where I’m not home straight away. I’d aim to make sure there was always a meal in the fridge she could put in the microwave if I happened to not be home by 5:45/6. Once I got home I’d either make dinner or if she’d already eaten take her to her hobbies.
On days with training in the morning, I’d wake her around 5:40, take her to training then we’d be home for 7:10 and she could shower/eat breakfast.

While I know the hobby schedule sounds intense, DD copes much better when she is being active and occupied, she gets lots of free time on the weekend and if we ever felt it was no longer working she would be able to drop them very easily.

My concern lies in DD being an August baby so she will be just turned 11 when she starts senior school and I’m not sure if it’s realistic to expect her to be able to finish breakfast, lock up and leave on time without support in the morning, or to come home, and potentially have dinner alone if I’m running late so she can still make it to her hobbies. I grew up with the a SAHM so never experienced this. She is generally sensible and I’d like to say she is mature for her age.

AIBU to think these are realistic expectations?

Unfortunately I don’t think so. I have discussed this with my employer in the past and it’s very much a 3 days, in the form of a job share or 5 days. I don’t think we can currently afford to go down to 3 days. Of course if we cut out luxuries or moved to a small house it may be possible, but I’m not sure I think those are the more beneficial options right now.
I’m a big believer in meeting my DD where she is at, so while she loves school and does well and isn’t behind in anyway, she doesn’t get much joy from academic success. On the other hand sports give her a lot of confidence and pride, so cutting them out would be something we only did if it was what she wanted or needed (for example if school or sleep were suffering). Obviously if we try it out and it’s just really not working for DD I may reevaluate and decide cutting hours is actually more important but I don’t want to start there and it actually be the wrong choice.
I have spoke to my mum tonight though and she has offered to take annual leave for the first 2 weeks of term and come and stay with us, she won’t be taking DD to school but it just means DD won’t be alone, there will be someone at home if the clubs don’t start immediately etc.

I am worried about the dark but we live in a safe town and I think I will still worry about that when she is 16! Like others have said, she doesn’t have to stay for clubs and can come home earlier if that means walking while it’s a bit lighter and with friends.

DD doesn’t seem phased by it, but I know that could change when it’s actually happening! I think we might trial run leaving afterschool club on her own at 5:15 (when it’s lighter) and walking home, or walking to hobbies on her own so we can tease out any issues.

I do have friends who live on our street and would be able to go and get DD if it were an emergency, or if there was an accident and I was going to be very late home. It’s just so nerve racking as to me she’s still a little baby but she’s not!

Also you are entitled to (unpaid) parental leave by law in the UK. It must be taken in blocks of not less than a week and up to 4 weeks a year I think for each child under 18. It is not discretionary it is an entitlement by law, they however don't have to agree to your timing of it but must offer it. It is not for emergencies, not for anything other than you want it to spend time with your child.

You could use the UC online calculator and run some figures and weigh up if its actually better for you to work 3 days. Good luck OP.

I am mortgage free and earn well, it’s just a lot of money goes on sports etc. we would never qualify for UC.

Start practicing the mornings now, let her know you won't be giving any prompts and want her to get herself organised and out of the house for breakfast club. Give her the job of locking up on the way out so she gets into the routine of doing it whilst you're there to give reminders if absolutely necessary. I'd start leaving her home alone for a couple of hours when your close by and easily available too before she starts secondary school. Maybe practice the route home with her a couple of times in the summer too.
I'm sure she will be fine, I was worried about my DD as she can really struggle with organisation and unexpected changes but she soon got used to it.

You've had some great suggestions already (e.g. lockbox).
I agree about high-vis for cycling and also proper rain gear. Vaude and Rab are excellent brands. Normally if she has a good basket on the front of her bike she should be able to carry everything in the basket with no issues (I work in a secondary school and cycle to work daily, in all seasons/weathers). A waterproof backpack (e.g. by Ortlieb) also highly recommended.

One thing I would say as a secondary school teacher is that all children are different. In every class, no matter what the age, there is a child you would trust with your car keys and another child whom you wouldn't even trust with a paper bag (because chances are when you came back the paper bag would be on fire). Your daughter sounds very competent as far as they go.
So my next question is: is/would she be happy with the arrangement you are proposing? If so, then I think you can reasonably give it a go. You can always reassess the situation at different points and make changes if needed.

I've had three kids through secondary, personally I do think year 7 is a bit too young to be locking up on a morning, coming in on a night wouldn't be so bad because they basically just need to dump their stuff, get a snack and turn the TV on but there's much more to it when they're getting themselves ready and out on a morning. By the end of year 7 and in to year 8 I think they'd all have been ok but for the first couple of terms there was a lot of "Mam I think I've got PE, I can't find my trainers" or me having to say "you haven't got your tie on" right before they were about to leave. There's an awful lot to remember and get to grips with.

You need a mothers help. You can get them through nanny agencies. Or even a teenager who would be able to get to yours by 4pm for a couple of hours. I bet loads of 15 year olds would like £10 to just stick her some tea on and keep an eye on her for an hour. Maybe advertise somewhere?

Regarding punctures: will she have a mobile phone?
If so, program it in advance with all of the phone numbers of all of the bike shops in the local area. There are also emergency bike services that will come out with all the kit in the van and repair on the spot - so get a few numbers of those into her phone as well. They are more expensive than just wheeling the bike to the local shop but it depends where she is if she ends up with a flat tyre. They would presumably also be happy to invoice you if necessary as opposed to expecting her to pay upfront.

I'm not huge fans of 11yos having (smart)phones but in your situation I would advocate for it.

I was hopeful it would be okay as she will be mostly ready before I leave, we will pack her bag the night before together until she is settled, I’ll be there to make sure she is up on time (though she has been getting herself up to an alarm since Y3 and seldom sleeps in), make sure she is dressed properly (school doesn’t have a uniform so less bits to remember), by the time I leave she will just have to finish her breakfast, pop the plate in the dishwasher and get ready to leave. Do you still think that would be too much? She is generally very organised, packs her own bags for her sports and doesn’t often forget things.
If I change the lock to one of the Yale ones that lock on closing she also wouldn’t have to worry about remembering to lock up?

Yes she does have a phone, I know it’s highly controversial, but she has had a phone since she was 7 (not all the time, only given to her when she wasn’t with me) as she would fly as an unaccompanied minor, either to her paternal grandparents or to camps and while I know the staff would contact me if anything went wrong, I liked the piece of mind that she could call me if need be. She doesn’t use it for games or messaging anyone and only has it when she is travelling apart from me. I think once she is getting herself to and from school on her own I’d want her to have it with her then. The school we are looking at has those pouches to stop children using them during school hours so I think it should be fine?

I don't have any advice but just wanted to offer solidarity as a widowed parent of a young daughter. I feel considerable guilt about her long hours in childcare/holiday clubs and she is going to need to be similarly independent at secondary school too, and that's not how I envisaged parenthood. But like your daughter mine has adapted and is doing really well, I think they rise to the expectations placed on them, she'll figure it out and it sounds like your daughter will thrive.

Yes, I would think so. It sounds like you have the situation under control so no judgment here!

That’s a lot to cope with and a big sudden change. You’ll have to make gradual changes throughout the year. My DC is older and doesn’t feel safe and is scared coming into an empty house. So just won’t.

Mu daughter has done similar since year year 6 and loves the independence. It was hard for me at furst but now it is just normal. In terms of the dark nights if you are worried she could come straight home from school and not stay late at homework club. My daughter prefers to get home early and do her homework in peace. Have some rules for bringing friends home (we had a list of those who had to ask and those who were always welcome). It may be a harder transition for you than her!

It sounds like you’re raising a great resilient girl.

The only thing I’d add is if finances alllow, I would use your unpaid parental leave over the next few years. You get 18 weeks per child, max of 4 weeks per year, and work can’t say no to you taking it. You could use it for the summer holidays and a block of time at the start of term, or any other time you feel she needs extra support.

https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave

Perfectly realistic. Make sure you practice it all from now. She will be fine.

Sorry but my own real advice is start this sooner rather than later. Do the odd day and she how she manages. I didn’t do this with my youngest and it was a disaster.