Realistic expectations for 11 year old

[Thindle]

Hello everyone. My DD is currently in Y6, I’m a single parent, with limited local family support. I’m trying to figure out exactly how our schedule will change when DD moves onto senior school next year.

Our preferred school is the local independent school, it’s not massively academically pushy and I think that’s the right environment for DD. It’s about 30 minutes walk away but DD could easily do it on bike in 10/15 minutes. The school day is 8.20-3.45 in Y7-Y9. I have to leave for work at 7.30 latest, right now DD goes to breakfast club. I am not normally home from work until 5.30 but occasionally this can be closer to 6. The school has after school sports clubs and a homework club which we have been told is very popular that run until 5pm. We have been told to expect about 5 hours a week of homework in Y7 and 8.
Assuming DD continues with the same hobbies she does now, she would have two training sessions before school in the week 6-7, I would drop her off at these then pick her up and take her home before I go to work. After school she would have 4 nights of activities in the winter, maybe 5 in the summer term only. Mostly 7-8.30 sort of times.

What I’m thinking right now is on a day where she doesn’t have training in the morning, she would get up around 7, shower, have breakfast, probably while I’m leaving for work, then she would be left to lock up and leave for school around 7:50depending on if she was walking or cycling.
In the evening she would stay for homework club or some sort of after school club most days, leave at 5 and be home around 5:15/5:30, so probably a little earlier than me on the average day but potentially up to an hour before me on a day where I’m not home straight away. I’d aim to make sure there was always a meal in the fridge she could put in the microwave if I happened to not be home by 5:45/6. Once I got home I’d either make dinner or if she’d already eaten take her to her hobbies.
On days with training in the morning, I’d wake her around 5:40, take her to training then we’d be home for 7:10 and she could shower/eat breakfast.

While I know the hobby schedule sounds intense, DD copes much better when she is being active and occupied, she gets lots of free time on the weekend and if we ever felt it was no longer working she would be able to drop them very easily.

My concern lies in DD being an August baby so she will be just turned 11 when she starts senior school and I’m not sure if it’s realistic to expect her to be able to finish breakfast, lock up and leave on time without support in the morning, or to come home, and potentially have dinner alone if I’m running late so she can still make it to her hobbies. I grew up with the a SAHM so never experienced this. She is generally sensible and I’d like to say she is mature for her age.

AIBU to think these are realistic expectations?

I’m just not sure what the alternative is? I can’t start late or work from home, it’s not an option in my line of work. Obviously in an ideal world things would be very different.
My DH passed away when DD was 4, I took several years out of work to be there and be present support her through her grief and then did part time for a while but it’s now at the stage with her wanting so many hobbies, needing to save should she want to go to university, ensuring my pension will be enough to support me so DD never has to worry about it etc. that I have to be working full time.

Im open to hearing other ideas though as obviously I really don’t want this either and I know it’s far from ideal.

I think it’s doable but the thing I’ve found with my year 7 child is when they have a bad day or just want company. It’s a lot of evenings of being on their own.

Sorry I just read your update. I’d have packed lunches or something simple ready. Ways to make her life easier e.g. generous amount on her school lunch account if affordable so she can have a hot meal at school of snacks if she wants them. A decent backpack to transport books. A check in with her That she has everything before she leaves.

I'm sorry about your DH and your circumstances, I'm not saying you dd won't manage just that it's not ideal. I have 11yr old DS and I know he'd be very unhappy if this was his regular routine. But children are different and this might suit your dad.

What about an au pair or some kind of help, like a local uni student who could be around in the mornings and/or a few evenings a week for company and to cook a meal. They might even be able to help with some of the transport to activities which would take the pressure off you a bit. It also wouldn't be forever, maybe only 12-18 months I think what your suggesting is absolutely fine for teenagers.

Yes that is a worry. DD absolutely adores her hobbies currently she has hobbies 4 nights a week and 1 on a Saturday morning so she is seldom ever alone. My biggest concern is more the independence. She already gets home from after school club around 5:30/6 then we have an hour for dinner, before she’s out to a club, but I am picking her up and dropping her off. She is already quite independent, she has done a lot of sleep away camps, it’s very confident and street smart but it feels different when there are very adult responsibilities like getting to school in the dark, locking up, potentially making something for dinner, either a pre-made meal from the fridge or making herself something like beans on toast. It won’t be every night I am back late, it averages about once a week that I’m back closer to 6, 5:30 is definitely the average so she wouldn’t be alone much on those nights.

One of mine just started year 7. I think it depends on your child - mine was absolutely exhausted, mentally and physically, for the first few weeks (as were all their peers) and would’ve been totally overwhelmed if they’d had to make their own meals and lock up too. They needed someone to talk to when they got home initially and to help them problem solve - though far less now than at the start. They don’t remember to lock the bike shed half the time, I wouldn’t trust them to lock the house up. They do cycle themselves and they manage that well, but it took a number of practice goes, first with an adult and then with their friends, before they’d go alone.

But it’s child specific - my other child would probably be ok with what you describe. And to a large extent it doesn’t matter - if your job means that’s what your daughter has to do then that’s what she has to do. It doesn’t sound like you have other options. I do think you need to start preparing her now though. Will she have friends to cycle with?

Hm I’m not sure it would be worth it? Before school she will only be home for maybe 20-30 minutes alone, and roughly the same in the evening if she goes to clubs/homework club? I think she would feel quite babied if I got someone to “look after her”.

I’m hoping she will meet some local friends to cycle with, or at least meet on the route. We are at the very north of the town, but all the streets between us and the school are pretty quite and residential, she can avoid the town centre and busy area as it’s going north west of the town to south west rather than across town. Her prep school is small and I’ve spoken to lots of the parents, right now there is only one other child going to the same school, he travels from a different town though. Unfortunately most of the parents are opting for academically selective schools and when we spoke to her teachers at prep there was a unanimous agreement that while DD is academically capable (not top of the class, but very much on target for where she should be), she will thrive in a less competitive and more mixed ability environment.
I am worried she will be tired, but then I think we’d just have to drop hobbies even if she didn’t want to.
I could maybe see about getting our door/locks changed to the type that lock when you close it so she doesn’t have to worry about actually locking the door. Then I can just make sure there is a key in the key safe for when she gets home.
I have thought maybe we should move closer to my parents but I haven’t found any jobs that would suit and I’m quite attached to not leaving the family home. DD also has lots of friends from hobbies around here and we are in a good area where we are close to a big city while still being in a nice town that doesn’t feel too transient.

My ds just started secondary this year and I think based on his experience I’d have your dd leave the house with you at 7:30, locking up together and her walking to school to use the library from 8. I’d do this for 2-3 weeks until the routine settles then if she’s happy let her lock up herself and leave later. It took us a few weeks before ds was fully able to remember what he needed for his timetable each day and didn’t need reminding what he had after school each day. leaving together would really help with reassurance around that stuff.
after school I’d play by ear and see if she meets anyone she can walk with. My ds walks slowly as he chats with friends so he’s not back as early as he could be.

Hello, I have an 11 year old DD who recently started high school. I just don't think she would manage all of this. A couple of days a week, yes but every day would be a battle. A lost PE kit or cookery lesson or similar quickly causes issues. Could you flex some hours or WFH if she needs support at any point before or after school. Need not be every week, just as and when...

I think moving is a very long term solution to a short term problem and I think the uphheaval would probably be much harder on your daughter than having to be a bit more independent than ideal for a while. It’s a bit like when you start a new job or the kid starts reception, it’s exhausting just because it’s new. Even now I can see my DC is more capable and independent than they were in September. I think you just need to be as prepared as you can, gradually give her more responsibility for herself over the rest of year six and be prepared for the obvious “emergencies” - what to do if there’s a bike puncture, she’s not well, she’s forgotten her PE kit….

Mine was at state school so it might be different but she found it much more intimidating coming out of after-school clubs by herself after dark, than with the majority in the light at 3pm. If she has friends she can walk with then by all means encourage homework club, but you might find others who stay are all getting picked up leaving just your daughter to walk home alone. In this case I would much rather she comes home with the crowd if that is her preference.

With a key safe
ring camera
smart speaker reminders
i think it would be no problem.
the camera would be more for you knowing she is home and seeing anyone uninvited that knocks .

Unfortunately no, I work in a lab so have to actually be present, no flexibility to work from home.
I think there are going to be some tough luck situations, I’ll remind her to take her PE kit, put it in her bag etc. but if she forgets it, she is just going to have to have to take the punishment. If she is unwell I will Ofcourse take the day off, come and pick her up. Bike puncture is a tricky one, I’d say if it’s on the way to school she would just have to call me, lock it up if there is spot near by to do so, otherwise walk it to school and be a bit late.
Even though my mum was a SAHM she would never have dropped in our PE kits if we forget them, it was very much seen as our responsibility to take them and our punishment if we didn’t.

Are you able to save some annual leave to perhaps have one day a week at home? Would your work allow a sabbatical (a friend did this for 2 months to be around at the start of school)? My DS started Year 7 in September. It was a hard adjustment and he hated walking to and from school alone. He found it really intimidating. Now, a few months down the line, I can see things have settled down and he is in the routine. But he leaves the house at the same time as me in the mornings as I know he’d get distracted and not check the time!

I really don’t feel I can give up annual leave. I get 35 days but take 30 of those during school holidays as I feel having quality time with DD is paramount. She already spends a lot of holidays at camps or with grandparents. The other 5 I save for sick days, events, random situations.
I could ask about a sabbatical but I think it would be unlikely.

I'm sure it's not what you want to hear but I do think that's a good idea from @Rainingcatsandmice . Or if you could tweak your hours a bit to have a couple of later finishes and a couple of earlier ones to break it up for her a bit.

We do have friends who used a CM for a year or so in Y7, just some nights to break it up, have a friendly ear if they have had a shitty day or whatever. DC would walk themselves to CM house. But all DC are different and you know yours best.

It was when the clocks changed in Oct that DD found it tougher. She got though the first few weeks on adrenaline and hard work I think.

This - you may find she likes walking as well, especially if she finds out someone else walks the same way in her class. DD (now Y11) was very keen to cycle, but my experience has been that the days when she doesn't need bulky things like PE kits, instruments or art folders means she has barely cycled!

She may also find that if the school is open before 8 for early morning clubs, that she can get in to the grounds before 8 anyway, and by the time she's locked her bike up and sorted herself out it will almost be time to go in anyway.

It sounds like your DD is organised enough to manage this. My DS has a similar morning routine in Y6.
I’d recommend a smartlock/electronic lock though rather than a key safe. That way there are no keys to worry about. They’re battery powered so easy to install.
A ring doorbell or similar is also a nice to have if you can. That way you can see her coming and going.
I’d also recommend a phone if she doesn’t have one already. These come in handy if plans change. Sometime DS will get an invite to a friend’s house after school and he can let me know where he is.

I don't know your financial situation but i would try and buy a buffer - one day a week where one end of the day when she might be home without you there's a cleaner in who will also say hi to her, put a meal on etc. There are people who will do such a sort of thing for the right money. And another day a fortnight or even once a month where your mum will definitely be there? Can you drop down to a 9 day fortnight at work? She'll be fine of course but new school/puberty/friendship stuff/whatevers are going to be a new challenge for both of you.

Honestly, having just been through it I would use the leave for more support the first month of secondary rather than Easter or summer holidays this year. All the kids I know found it quite overwhelming the first half term. Making new friends, meeting so many new teachers, new routine and expectations. It’s all fine, but they just need a wee bit more moral support than usual. After a month ds was good. And by half term his usual self.

It’s not that simple, DD needs time at home, or time to relax. My parents are only willing to do 2 weeks of childcare in the year, I can’t really afford lots of camps etc. to cover more weeks of school holiday than I already will be doing. A lot of DDs camps this year have been expensive, such as snowboarding camp, so our budget is more limited. Maybe I should have thought in advance.

Can I just say you sound like an amazing mum
and raising a resilient girl, despite what you’ve both been through. I would focus on when you get home being together, making the most of that time and being kind to yourself as you’re working and then taking her to clubs. When she’s older she’ll see how hard you worked for her.

Single mum here. Is there any way you can work 4 days or reduce down? Its the evenings I would worry about. It's dark even now. My DC is year 6 but I'm not happy for him to walk home in the dark so I collect him at 16.15 there's no way I'd have him walking at 17.30. Theres also all the school holidays.... it's too much 5 days a week. I know it's tough when you have little to no network I can relate OP.

It's so very child dependant. Some would be fine with this and others wouldn't and everyone answering is doing so with the perspective of children they know.

It may not be ideal but good enough, and the best that you can manage. There will be lots of other children that age doing similar for similar reasons.

It sounds like you're doing a great job and providing lots of opportunities. I'd discuss with your DD the plans and see how she feels. If she's happy then give it a go. It doesn't have to be set in stone. If it's not working you can change things accordingly (within what is possible for you).

Mine had to be quite self sufficient too. The children's friends became important. They would often walk to school or home again together. My daughter particularly would have friends staying after school some nights, especially Fridays. Meant she had company and other parents who were working liked it for their kids too. Are there any friends going up to big school with her who can maybe become part of the new routine and support network? By sixth form, Friday teatime time had become a regular girls get together with an ordered pizza and they are still friends years later. I loved coming home to hear them all chattering and laughing on the sofa.