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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my husband is depressed and wont have sex with me

28 replies

DRESSMEUP · 08/06/2008 20:58

my dh has been diagnosed with depression, he has lost his libido which i find very difficult. am i being unreasonable in getting cross?

OP posts:
posieflump · 08/06/2008 20:59

yabu
It must be frustrating for you but try to be supportive

SlapAndTickle · 08/06/2008 21:03

why not gently take the lead, once he's warmed up he will be OK, he just has lost the initial desire, you need to assist him more,and be patient.

AD's are known for doing this

Original poster
DRESSMEUP · 08/06/2008 21:08

he has only just been prescribed ad. his libido went before this. i am finding it difficult being supportive.. i dont feel connected to him.

OP posts:
Alambil · 08/06/2008 22:13

Being connected doesn't have to come from sex - I know people that haven't had sex for about 3 yrs due to medication for depression but they're still close etc...

YABU to get angry with him - not like he can help it, is it?

Give it time, support him and take any pressure or guilt off him and things may improve (but then again, they may not - you'll have to cross that bridge if and when...)

kee27 · 08/06/2008 22:28

go ann summer lol

toastrack · 08/06/2008 22:54

It ia v hard because depressed DH can be hard to feel connected too, IME. It isn't really/just about sex.

Hopefully the ADs will kick in and at least the emotioanl connection will come back.

QuintessentialShadows · 08/06/2008 22:56

This may sound a strange question, does your dh do any exercise?

Original poster
DRESSMEUP · 09/06/2008 12:43

yes he does exercise... i am trying to be supportive, just finding it difficult. we are normally really affectionate.

OP posts:
pleasechange · 09/06/2008 13:23

yanbu - this is very difficult to live with and will no doubt have a huge impact on your self-esteem. I sympathise but can't offer any specific advice

Original poster
DRESSMEUP · 09/06/2008 20:08

allnew you have hit the nail on the head.. my dh has always made me feel i was the most beautiful women in the world.... now i feel ugly.

OP posts:
Pitchounette · 09/06/2008 20:38

Message withdrawn

Original poster
DRESSMEUP · 09/06/2008 20:44

i know you are right... i just feel i have lost the man i married, and i miss him.

OP posts:
Sanctuary · 09/06/2008 20:50

How long has it been ???

Divastrop · 09/06/2008 20:53

have you tried taking the lead?

what AD's has he got?

Original poster
DRESSMEUP · 09/06/2008 20:55

about 4 months... i know it doesnt seem long, but it is when you live with it.

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 09/06/2008 20:56

Don't get cross with him. It will make things worse.

Do you know that one of the side-effects of some anti-depressants is loss of libido?

There are many other brands that he can try if it is the medication which is causing this.

auriel · 09/06/2008 21:05

It is a double blow being the partner of someone with depression, a bit like an almost bereavement only the body is still there. Be gentle with him, he is probably finding himself so hideous he can't see how you don't. My DH had depression for years untreated, but came back to being himself after about 3 months on ads and is now off them after 2 yrs.

Original poster
DRESSMEUP · 09/06/2008 21:05

no loss of libido happened before ad. he is on citlopram

OP posts:
madamez · 09/06/2008 21:07

If he is having treatment for his depression then he will get better. YANBU to feel hurt, cross, rejected etc, but YABU if you have a go at him, he not only can't help it but he is trying to get better.
But it is hard work to be the partner of someone who is depressed. Make sure you take time for yourself and do things that cheer you up, whether that's shopping, country walks or a night at the dog-track.

kee27 · 09/06/2008 21:09

do u know what tho hun i had postnatail i carnt spell that depression with my 2nd child and it made me not want to do any thing or go any were or even have sex with my hubby i know this is diffrent oz he is a man but u knw what hun they r all the same as us tho lets just hope u both get throught it all the best hun

Original poster
DRESSMEUP · 09/06/2008 21:17

thank you... i am sure we will get through it together

OP posts:
ellideb · 09/06/2008 21:19

it is very unreasonable to expect someone who is depressed to have a libido. he is unwell and it would be really selfish to expect a sick person to 'perform' or to have desire especially if the are on anti depressants as they normally totally remove sex drive. if you have never been depressed before then it is very hard to understand what it must be like, but trust me, sex is the last thing on your mind. living with a depressed partner is really difficult so it helps to have someone else you can talk to and share your problems/worries with. be intimate in other ways but don't expect sex.

mumeeee · 09/06/2008 22:45

YABU. He neds your support and understanding

lucyellensmum · 09/06/2008 23:09

its very easy to jump on the OP here as it does seem very unreasonable. I suffer from depression and it is hard to feel sexy when in a pit of depression i can tell you. However i do appreciate where the OP is coming from. DP and i get along so much better when we have more sex. Not because of the sex, but because of the closeness that comes with it. I dont think the OP is being unreasonable to miss this. OK so te OP was worded badly.

OP give him time, thats all you can do, its an awful thing depression and it affects both of you. My DP has almost broken down "caring" for me. Its hard. I am on citalopram and they are very effective - my libido is up and running again now too. They take a few weeks to kick in mind.

My advice, no pressure, you are going to have to wait this one out. Be affectionate but please don't take it personally when he pushes you away, its not you, its not him, its his illness, but he is getting help and it will get better.

bigfatuglybitch · 09/06/2008 23:18

Dressmeup, My dp and I have been together nearly 20 years. I bet in the 20 yrs we have had sex 150 times. Dp just doesn't feel like it, he also works nights. Getting cross doesn't work, blame doesn't work, it just pushes your partner away. It is sad, but when your husband feels better and is of the Ad's your sex life will come back. I know its hard, it makes you feel unfeminine, and when you see other women who look like right mingers with there touchy feely husbands it feels like they are rubbing salt in your wounds. Try not to pressure him to much, I am sure things will be okay pretty soon. (I am really trying to be nice here, when really I want to shout lucky you, I have NEVER had one.)