awful few days at parents! going LC - aibu?

[pheasey2025]

Just got back from a few days at parents (mainly to see brother's new kid - would have preferred a hotel but parents would take that a massive FU given that they live 20 mins away) - it has been absolutely awful. The relationship has never been great (solid working class boomer grade C-D parenting), however I have tried hard to not wallow in resentful and to shift things into more of an adult-adult relationship as I've gotten older.

However this has been such an unpleasant experience that I'm seriously thinking of going from medium contact to very low (not willing to go all the way, as that would cause awkwardness with brothers).

It has just been endless stream of put-downs, nagging, patronising remarks, and having to work around my dad's constant OCD freakouts. They have a rigid routine and expect me to fit into this. They refuse all my offers to help with chores around the house ("you'd only mess it up anyway"). They've spent the entire time just criticising everything - my job, my clothes, choice of holiday destinations, my friends, my sleeping patterns, what I'm reading etc. When not that it's mainly just been negative remarks about the local area/neighbours/state of the country etc. I don't bother trying to argue (well-trained in childhood = arguing back usually meant dad flies into a rage and/or sulk, whilst mom mopes about pretending nothing's happening).

It's been utterly draining. The final straw came today at lunch - I'm going back tomorrow, not packed yet (cue criticism) and haven't got a train ticket (I prefer to just get it at the station as it's only bit more expensive and means I'm not rushing about trying to get a specific train - I have been travelling by train for 20 goddamn years at this point) - cue "oh very well organised aren't you" in his usual patronising tone, and I just snapped back with the above - cue shocked face and an admonishment about 'being rude and moody'.

So yeah, I'm done basically. Absolutely sick to death of the pair of them. They have no friends and are estranged from all their family, so it'll basically just be me and brothers at their funeral. So yeah, 1 trip for Xmas from now on, max two.

Do what you need to for your mental health OP. I limited contact at 15, I’m now 30 and I’m honestly ignorant to my families crap at this point. I just nod and smile.

They sound incredibly hard work OP. And as you say, not surprising they aren’t overrun with friends if they treat people they way you’ve described. You’re quite within your rights to give them a wide berth I think.

God they do sound hard work.

I don't think I'd be ruining Christmas by going! Quick visit 'in the new year.'
It sounds exhausting.

It sounds like a nightmare miserable time OP
Why are you bothering with Christmas. ?
Send stuff through the post

Do you have to stay at your parents to see your brothers?

Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your sanity OP. I’m sure your brother will understand

Don't know which way to vote, as YANBU to go really low contact as they don't had anything to your life and they drain a lot from it.
However, YABU to spoil Christmas each year by going to stay with them.

If you want to do short visits, do so at different times of year.
Or stay elsewhere and just meet them for a meal or some other short period of time.

I have parents a bit like this. Same age. I have decided it's anxiety/ocd and depression. In my case I think my parents are scared for the future. However that doesn't excuse their behaviour. Meeting/staying in neutral territory really helps. I try and do more short phone calls/visits. If it's going downhill I end the call. I have gone through periods of low contact and medium contact. It's hard.

OP, please don’t go for Christmas. You will not enjoy it.

Don't bother with Christmas, have a cold, and give it a miss.
They sound truly awful.
Be busy and unavailable, don't bitch to your brothers, just be so busy at work.
NEVER stay with them again.
Just refuse to discuss it.

Definitely I would resist seeing them and I would not spoil Christmas by going there. I would not stay with them in the future either. They will moan at you regardless so at least by having your own space you can escape them. Could you stay with your brothers instead?

It sounds tough op, but this is definitely a "them" thing. They sound like miserable gits.

I think sometimes it can help to keep that very squarely in focus, as it kind of stops the arrows landing, as it were.

I wouldn't be rushing to see them, but NC also comes with guilt and complications from that, and sometimes regret. If you manage to keep aware that this is a problem they have with interaction you can maybe even find it a bit funny? I have been in teams where we managed this with difficult personalities in an office where we couldn't just go NC.

People like that are a lot less difficult when out of their own house.
So don’t go to their house, full stop. Stay in a hotel. Meet in a restaurant or at the siblings etc. as per PP, come down with a cold at Christmas and stay at home.

How are you going LC if you’re going straight back within a few weeks for Christmas?
Tell them their constant criticism and negativity makes visits really unpleasant for you so you won’t be joining them for yet more of this at Christmas.
Set a boundary now or you may as well not bother.

Why do you need to stay over if they're 20 minutes away? Or is that 20 minutes from a hotel?

In any case I wouldn't stay over again, just blithely say "oh I was just thinking of dad's OCD, I know you can't choose your family and sadly you're stuck with me, but obviously I stress him out"
Maybe thrown in a patronising head tilt and "understanding" smile for good measure. Then have a really nice Christmas without any contact because you're full of cold and feeling awful.

You can do whatever you want, OP. You're an adult. Why waste your time on people you don't like?

thanks all for the supportive replies.

In terms of ruining Xmas, I honestly couldn't give a toss about Christmas. I haven't enjoyed Xmas since I 12 or so. On top of the family tensions I hate the crass commercialism of it all and would gladly just jet off to the Middle East somewhere each year to avoid it altogether.

That said, I can see the value of having 1 socially sanctioned day of the year where families are expected to come together. For grade C families where the bonds are weak like mine, I cannot see that it is that too much of an ask. I can usually manage them fine for 1-2 days, and yes they are sometime capable of behaving like normal human beings. It is this in spirit that I'll be going at Xmas for 2-3 days max.

Why are you staying with them for multiple days if they only live 20 mms away??? Just go for an hour or so each time then come away!

I live in a different city, but they live just 20 mins from my brother in our home town. Hence it would be awkward to go there and visit him but not them, as it would be taken as a deliberate slight.

And?
Sounds like you get criticised whatever you do so please yourself

And that would be fine, what else would they do at the imagined slight? Not speak to you? Perfect! If they tantrum or slag you off, don't provide them with an audience.
See your brother if you want, nice places, not just sitting in living rooms.

It seems like anything you do is a slight to them in some way or other 🤷🏻‍♂️

If it's as bad as you say it is just be honest with them. Tell them you're just visiting your brother any tell them why.

Unless your dad is diagnosed rhe 'ocd freak out' expression can jog off.

The Premier Inns near us are less than £50 per night over Christmas. My compromise would be to go and visit but not stay with them.
It would be lovely to have a hotel room with a tv and treats to retreat to - I might book one for myself but I’m hosting 😜.