awful few days at parents! going LC - aibu?

[pheasey2025]

Just got back from a few days at parents (mainly to see brother's new kid - would have preferred a hotel but parents would take that a massive FU given that they live 20 mins away) - it has been absolutely awful. The relationship has never been great (solid working class boomer grade C-D parenting), however I have tried hard to not wallow in resentful and to shift things into more of an adult-adult relationship as I've gotten older.

However this has been such an unpleasant experience that I'm seriously thinking of going from medium contact to very low (not willing to go all the way, as that would cause awkwardness with brothers).

It has just been endless stream of put-downs, nagging, patronising remarks, and having to work around my dad's constant OCD freakouts. They have a rigid routine and expect me to fit into this. They refuse all my offers to help with chores around the house ("you'd only mess it up anyway"). They've spent the entire time just criticising everything - my job, my clothes, choice of holiday destinations, my friends, my sleeping patterns, what I'm reading etc. When not that it's mainly just been negative remarks about the local area/neighbours/state of the country etc. I don't bother trying to argue (well-trained in childhood = arguing back usually meant dad flies into a rage and/or sulk, whilst mom mopes about pretending nothing's happening).

It's been utterly draining. The final straw came today at lunch - I'm going back tomorrow, not packed yet (cue criticism) and haven't got a train ticket (I prefer to just get it at the station as it's only bit more expensive and means I'm not rushing about trying to get a specific train - I have been travelling by train for 20 goddamn years at this point) - cue "oh very well organised aren't you" in his usual patronising tone, and I just snapped back with the above - cue shocked face and an admonishment about 'being rude and moody'.

So yeah, I'm done basically. Absolutely sick to death of the pair of them. They have no friends and are estranged from all their family, so it'll basically just be me and brothers at their funeral. So yeah, 1 trip for Xmas from now on, max two.

Personally, if I wanted to go LC with anyone, I'd do it at Xmas, but I actually love that time of year. Have you considered that you might actually enjoy Xmas yourself if you didn't have to spend it with them? I get that you probably have a childhood full of bad memories of 'family Xmases', but could they be replaced with future Xmases with people of your own choosing?

Even if you don't want to change your feelings, why shouldn't you jet off somewhere to not celebrate in a way you might enjoy. Why rub your nose in 'Xmas sucks' by spending it with them? To me it would be like picking at a sore until it starts bleeding again. The way to heal a sore is to leave it alone.

If this at all appeals to you, maybe start this year by suddenly developing D&V about 24 hours before you'd go to them then make profuse apologies but you don't want to make them ill, especially your DB's baby. You may not be able to jet off to the ME, but I'll bet you could plan a day you'd enjoy, even a day that has nothing to do with Xmas if that's what you want.

And? Does it really matter to you if they think this?

For different reasons, I refuse to stay with my mum. I tell her ‘Oh, you know me, I like my own space/I have stomach issues, I need my own space etc.’ She still offers, but I just smile and refuse. You could try that, although it’s awkward if you’re relying on them for lifts to your brother’s place. Must you really go back for Christmas? Could you stay with other brother who doesn’t have a baby? (Think I’m reading that right, or at least doesn’t have a new dc)

Have you ever wondered what they might think of you ?

Stay in a hotel. Yes they will freak out the first time. They will also not be as uptight because you won’t be invading their space to the same degree. It doesn’t matter that you are family, you are still disrupting the routine and for a certain personality that makes everything amplified. Everyone will have a more enjoyable visit. With time, they will adapt

I think this is actually a very good idea - they moan and complain so much about you being there, that you can tell them that, as they are obviously so stressed by your visits and find it such hard work, you've decided it's better not to stay with them ever again and if you come to visit you will stay with ..... (either your brother, or a friend or if that's not possible, in a local hotel).

It IS down to them, after all.

thanks yes it seems a plausible idea (though I resent the idea of wasting yet more money on Xmas). I'll see how things go this year.

Yes they clearly see me as a disappointment, though they are not so crass as to say that out loud. Apparently having a humanities degree from a third rate uni means I should be on six figures and living in a mansion in Chelsea.🙄

I suspect there are some rather ugly and murky Freudian rumblings going on under the surface, tied in the numerous issues in their marriage which they have spent their life ignoring.

Not my problem.

He clearly has OCD, autism or something similar, though refuses to see a doctor about this ("all that modern mental health bollocks").

And yes, for example, f-ing and blinding because you've spilt a bit of food on the kitchen floor would count as a 'freak-out' in my book.

Does he recognise his OCD ?

Lots of f**king and blinding constantly between father and brother, so I stay in rented house and pop in and out. I love them, they are supportive of me and us, but it’s . Great to have an escape valve when it gets heated… wouldn’t dream of sleeping under the same roof anymore..

Book a hotel go visit when they start tell them you can see you have called at an inconvenient time and LEAVE rinse and repeat until they get the idea

They sound extremely irritating and I understand that you wouldn’t want to stay with them too often but you do really look down on them. What’s with the “grade C/D parenting? Are you referring to their social class or actually grading them as parents? I take it that it’s social class. Can you learn to let things go and ignore them a bit more e.g. the nagging over the train. I would try only seeing them occasionally in a neutral place.

It sounds like a hugely negative, aggressive, emotionally abusive home.

Time to pull away and detach.

Nothing to do with class - just if they were to be graded as with a school report they would get a C or D.

I have no problem with their social origins. They were reasonably intelligent and rode the post-war boom into the lower-to-mid middle classes, good for them.

It is because they are reasonably intelligent that I 'look down' on them - they were not people trapped in poverty and ignorance, and they were smart enough to reign in their excesses e.g. on the rare occasions we had visitors (cousins were able to get away with anything even thought I could see my father getting angry). Which means that on some level they were aware that their behaviour was unacceptable and that it was therefore a choice.

As you were classifying them by generation as boomers it gave the impression you were also using the registrar generals social class classification C and D being lower clerical and skilled manual 😂. There isn’t typical boomer parenting any more than there’s typical parenting today. I see now that you’re just awarding them a grade. They do sound wearing. You say you’re trying to move to an adult to adult relationship with them but they’re probably still treating you as not fully grown up. Don’t let it trigger you into reacting like an adolescent but seeing them less often away from home sounds like a good idea.