To think therapist friend should be more understanding of NC

[Orangesandlemons77]

I am NC (no contact) with my mum. She's got mental health problems, and I do feel guilty but it was also affecting me mentally.

Recently my dad died (she and him were divorced) and before the funeral I received a letter form her telling me that it was a time to 'come together as a family'

I mentioned this to an old friend, who is a therapist and she told me 'well, I think she's right'

AIBU to think that someone who is a therapist might be more understanding of my feelings on this?

I felt like it was guilting me into resuming contact at a time when grieving and was inappropriate given the circumstances.

Cut that friend off immediately. She’s not good for you.

Also stop having high expectations of therapists. Many of them are flawed individuals, in it for their own gain in a very unregulated industry.

It wasn't a therapy session, she isn't your therapist. However, I'd still expect a more compassionate response from a friend!i

Being a friend doesn’t mean agreeing with you on everything

perhaps she sees something that you are missing

She’s not your therapist though - her career is just that, it has nothing to do with her personal feelings towards your situation.

I wondered about this too. I feel like a lot of context is missing.

Therapists are only human and she's your friend, you're not getting 'therapist her' you're getting 'friend her'. Maybe though she thinks this is a chance for you all to rebuild a new relationship because bereavements can bring a lot of change and fresh energy into families and the dynamics.

Agreed - and actually, the role of a therapist isn't (or at least shouldn't be) to agree with and endorse everything the client wants to do. Sometimes pushback is both appropriate and the best possible thing a therapist can offer.

What a bizarre overreaction.

I think low contact is often a better option that no contact. No contact is just so savage.
I cut my parents out for a bit and I am so glad we healed things.

I also think our best friends don't just tell us what we want to hear.

I don't find NC 'savage' it's peaceful and calm

What are you even talking about?? Actually think you could do with a therapist.
Op it’s hard for us to say. Presumably your friend has details about the situation that we don’t

She may be a therapist but she's not your therapist. She is your friend. And she answered you honestly.

Friends don't have to agree.

And that’s fine, it’s your decision and your life, but your friends are not obliged to agree with you.

100% most are useless and will just ask how things make you feel
If I needed help I would vsiit a psychiatrist

I'd put some emotional distance between myself and that friend and wait and see how that situation turns out - not ever therapist is good at their job, and not everyone becomes a therapist because they are a good person.

I found it peaceful and calm too. But I realised life isn't all about me and a full life involves keeping connections even difficult and awkward and confusing ones.

I think what is happening is the friend is seeing things in terms of their own situation perhaps (their mum died and they miss them) but that isn't my situation.

I sort of thought they might see that but maybe that is not the case.

there have been other comments as well, I can't think of them exactly but comments about not 'rocking the boat' with families (putting up with stuff) which I found surprising.

Maybe you have not had to face things like threats and delusions about you, for example the police called due to this and her contacting your workplace so you have to keep that secret etc.

"Difficult and awkward" yes. When it leaves you with cPTSD yourself, it it a bit more than that. But thanks for the dose of guilt, I have spent a while letting go of the FOG but there we go.

I very much agree with @PieNotProtocol If you don’t drop her and she makes another thoughtless comment about something you tell, please do ask her how what you said makes her feel. Then adopt a dead eyed poker face. Actually once you’ve mastered that, you too can be a therapist.

Yes I know good therapists provide a useful service, but the bad ones can do a lot of damage

You know your mother and all the things she has put you through. You decide if you want contact or not. It’s not for anyone else to make a comment to be fair.

its easy for people who had good family relationships to judge.

See I interpret that as her referring to the actual funeral and/or wake with you jointly having done input into it . Whether that is planning or participation in service . So just a call to be civil ?

You have no idea what I have dealt with actually

Then you’ve fundamentally misunderstood both jobs.

But what if you have different views on things? Do therapist have to agree with everything?

I'm a psychiatrist but wouldn't expect to give a professional assessment if a friend said they felt anxious or low iyswim. She is coming from her place as your friend. You can tell her though that these comments are hurtful.

Is there any chance your mother has had professional help for her problems?

I think this article is a good balanced read: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/nov/09/the-families-torn-apart-when-adult-children-decide-to-go-no-contact

Well this is the context that was missing from your OP. It may well be that having very low contact is the right way forward or it might not be. I wonder is it also costing you contact with other family members? That can be a tricky dynamic to navigate where the estranged parent becomes a kind of gatekeeper to other family members. Do what's right for you but you can always ask your friend what is driving her thinking? She might surprise you. Equally she may not understand how severely your parent was affecting you. I'm sorry for your loss