To think therapist friend should be more understanding of NC

[Orangesandlemons77]

I am NC (no contact) with my mum. She's got mental health problems, and I do feel guilty but it was also affecting me mentally.

Recently my dad died (she and him were divorced) and before the funeral I received a letter form her telling me that it was a time to 'come together as a family'

I mentioned this to an old friend, who is a therapist and she told me 'well, I think she's right'

AIBU to think that someone who is a therapist might be more understanding of my feelings on this?

I felt like it was guilting me into resuming contact at a time when grieving and was inappropriate given the circumstances.

Thanks. No it has not lost me other family members. They seem to understand, especially my brother (only sibling) he is also low contact / keeps things secret etc. She won't seek / have treatment as she believes her delusions are true and the rest of us are wrong, unfortunately. I think this lack of insight is quite common

YANBU for cutting off contact with your family.

YABU to think your friend has to agree with you just because she happens to be a therapist. She isn't your therapist and she's not in that mode when she's talking to you. She can have an opinion. Personally, I think she should mind her own business, but it sounds like you raised the topic with her.

With her ‘friend’ hat on her comment and endorsement of your relative’s comment was trite and insensitive IMO.

Obviously you get to decide what you do, who to talk to about things, and to take or ignore others’ opinions and advice! I’d not want to talk to her much more about your family stuff

You also have your private opinions about what her comments might suggest about her beliefs, biases etc at work, but what she does at work isn’t your problem.

Firstly, a therapist’s job isn’t to agree with everything you say/think. So you’re wrong from the outset in terms of her having voiced her opinions. As a therapist she may have sought to talk about the issue further, but the fact is she’s not your therapist, and in fact it would be unprofessional of her to even act in a therapist capacity with you.

Secondly, just because she’s your friend doesn’t mean she’s obliged to hold the same opinions as you do. In fact it’s quite an unhealthy dynamic to have only friends who think the same as you do about everything. Where’s the room for discussion on any matter then?

Lastly, NC is a very grey area. People throw the term around lightly on here. Family member upsets you? “Go NC.” Grandparents fed the kids Haribo? “Go NC.” Even on here because your friend doesn’t agree with you, “go NC.”

There are of course perfectly justifiable reasons for cutting off a family member, but even then people often do so in the moment.

Because the thing about NC is that it’s forever. But so many people don’t seem to think about that in the moment, because it’s usually a specific incident which takes them there. And then two/five/ten years down the line the family member dies and they’re hit with an unexpected grief and in many instances even regret. Even though that was their choice.

So when you decide to cut all contact, you have to ask yourself the question, are you content to now think of that person as dead?

Moreover, are you happy to lose other family members because of family functions you won’t attend as that (now dead to you) will be there? Because while people may understand in the beginning, as time goes by they’ll just assume you won’t be there so invitations won’t be forthcoming.

The fact here is that there’s no right or wrong answer. But the reality is that if you wish to stay NC, then you’re responsible for the path that takes, including if that means losing other relationships.

If you’re happy with that choice, and if you truly think the relationship has broken down irretrievably, then you will carry on regardless.

But the fact that your friend’s suggestion that you’re wrong has upset you sounds like you’re not as sure as you’d like to be. And that may need exploring.

Remember you can still be low contact, resuming contact doesn’t mean full relationship status. It’s still possible to keep someone at a distance without cutting them

This in my few and I’ve had counselling over the years with good and bad ones - but they are all humans and all flawed

I'm a therapist and I am just a normal person who may agree or disagree with people and I am not in therapist mode when out having a coffee with my friends. You have said it yourself - your friend has a good reason to feel uncomfortable with the idea of NC for her own reasons. Therapists have their own issues and baggage and are flawed individuals like everyone else.

I’m not sure I get it. A funeral is a time to come together. That doesn’t mean your friend was telling you to get back in touch with your mum.

I think you need to cut her some slack, she's your friend and her mum has died and you're moaning on to her that your mum wants contact. Can you not see how that's quite insensitive to her?

I agree. Your friend was telling you her honest opinion.You can disagree but surely she was right to tell you want she thinks rather than what she thinks you want to hear.
She was being your friend not your therapist.

Totally agree 💯

People just don’t understand what estranged children have gone through. It can be very hurtful to hear such comments from friends as it minimises and negates our experiences.

I’ve only ever heard of people going NC with parents on MN. It’s not that surprising that your friend didn’t automatically side with you. She probably finds the concept strange and damaging, as would many.

Ultimately, only you know if your choice is the right one and you don’t need anyone else to validate it.