That being a dad in a split relationship doesn’t give you the lions share in all family milestones.

[Alwaysthereforthechaos]

I guess I’m just frustrated, it was a big milestone for DSS over the past few days. DH has been sidelined in the protection of DSS’s mum.
Is this normal?

I think its really hard to comment with this little detail

If he was 80/20 with his mum and dad, the milestones will be 80/20 too.

Context is everything. Every family and situation is different.

Too vague to comment really. It's rarely as simple as a just a yes or no in these cases.

Very difficult to asses based on what you've said. In theory, with a healthy co-parenting relationship, there would be no problem sharing milestones - big birthdays, graduations, weddings etc.

But you don't say what the relationship is, the history, or why he's being "sidelined".

ExBIL is outraged that he doesn't get to spend whatever time he likes with nephews, whenever he likes. But hasn't got the memo that this needs to go both ways and as he doesn't turn up if he doesn't feel like, regularly skips out on contact time etc, it's a bit rich if he thinks he therefore should be prioritised when HE wants to be prioritised.

DH's parents on the other hand have always managed a polite, collaborative approach to all bigger milestones and there have been no issues wiht grandparent time, weddings, christenings, christmasses etc.

What did the mother need protected from?

The original post is too vague to comment much on.

'in the protection of'

What does that mean? And what is the milestone?

Protection meaning you have felt as though his mum would be upset if your partner were to share in the milestone?

Achievements and milestones should be celebrated equally.

I hope your partner can find their own way to celebrate this with his child.

You need to give more info. But if she’s doing the “lion’s share” of the parenting time, then it will just follow that she’d get lion’s share of other things because she’s literally just around the child more.

Don't understand the post. Far to vague.

Dad pays for everything, 50/50 care but dad is expected not to attend milestone events to preserve his ex’s feelings

Is expected by who? He can choose to attend if he wants. (Obviously unless it's in the mothers home, or an event she organised)

Wrong. It should be about what their child wants. Not what his ex wants.

I am sure your partner has told his ex this?

Depends who organised the event. If mum throws a party for DS, she gets a say in who’s invited.
If Dad throws a party, his choice.

When it’s graduation and 3 tickets, the graduate gets to choose.

Still don't know what this post is actually about. Be specific

Is this a spin off thread from the graduation one posted recently?
Still too vague.

It's not untrue that many mums play the "priority to mum" card, for no reason at all.

I think it happens in families where the parents are together too. If there's one ticket for something it will typically be mum who goes. I think its more a reflection of a closer bond forged between mother and child due to women typically doing more of the care from birth onwards than something we should feel sad about on men's behalf. There is nothing stopping any father establishing himself as equal parent from the get go. Many don't. And here we are.

Need more details.

Sometimes mum and dad can’t be in the same room and it’s best for everyone that they don’t.

Often one parent always does the organising of parties to celebrate special events when the other parent could also do the same. For example if the event is an 18th, dad and mum could organise separate events with their sides of the family and their Ds’ friends. I think dads are often “sidelined” because they cba to organise a celebration and see it as a woman’s job and that he can just make an appearance.

If the split isn’t friendly then it’s weird if the other parent turned up to parties only.

Very strange post!

Normaly 50/50 goes by time. And, if parents can’t be amicable enough to share key events, it is sad. In that case, the parent whose time it falls within would get the ‘milestone’ event.

OP, you need to give a lot more details. The child’s father needs to fight for his rights, in court if necessary.

What's the milestone?
What's the age?
Who organised the event?

If it's something like taking their first steps, it's just chance which parent was there.

Birthday party - I'm sure most kids would love to celebrate twice

Wedding / graduation / exams - child is old enough to invite Dad if they want.

We need some context.

He is making the choice to prioritise his ex's feelings over being there for his son. That's his decision to make. If he didn't want to do that he could just not do that.

If there are no added contextual factors to this, then yes, of course it's unfair.

I like to work on the assumption that the OP is being honest and upfront - it's an anonomous forum after all - but your consistent vagueness makes me 100% certain we're not getting the whole story.

50:50 care? Okay, so then why not organise milestones during his 50% time? Birthday? DC can do something with mum and something with Dad. If care is 50:50 and court ordered, dates like birthdays, christmas, easter, mothers/father's day can and should also be in the court order and evenly split.

"Dad pays for everything" What does this mean? But, again, context is everything. Is dad paying maintenance? Or paying for clothes, presents, tech, uniform, hobbies? Is mum really not paying at all?

Why is ex's feelings so anti dad? Most people aren't wild about their ex but unless things were very bad, there's usually an ability to be in the same place, at the same time, when necessary.

This is alls ounding vey much like, "my ex took me to the cleaners" without a shred of actual proof and the new woman laps it up.

Unless this is something thats organised and paid for by her (such as a birthday party) she can't stop him attending. He needs to put his relationship with his child before his ex's feelings and stop not attending things that he can because it might hurt her feelings.

Ergh. I hate these women. Using this kids as a weapon and making it all about them.