To think people should say “fuck tradition” when planning their wedding?

[PieNotProtocol]

If you’re planning a wedding or ceremony, my biggest recommendation is this: fuck tradition.

If you want pie instead of cake, do it.
If you want to wear red, do it.
If you want Chinese takeaway instead of steak or dry chicken, do it.

Who cares what guests think? As a guest myself, I just want to eat something, see the outfits, maybe cry a little and go home. What I love is seeing couples actually enjoy their day.

But the truth is, very few people I know actually enjoyed their wedding day. Even the ones who looked like they had a great time later admitted they were stressed out, overwhelmed, or underwhelmed, or all three.

And a lot of that stress comes from people who aren’t even in the marriage. Parents. Bridesmaids. Aunties. Friends with expectations. I’ve seen people get physically sick from wedding stress because of all the “but you have to…” voices in their ears.

So AIBU to think couples should ignore all the tradition policing and do whatever the hell feels good to them?

Well yes, if it feels good for them. Bear in mind a lot of people really do want the tradition too, but it is sad when people feel compelled by it when they don't really want to.

A number of times I have told people I know who are all 'Ugh, but I don't want to do the big white dress thing, it's not me' that they don't have to do it. Wear a pinstripe trouser suit if you want! I never thought much about a wedding before I met my DH but the one thing I did know was that I wanted to wear a coloured dress and I did - not full length either because a university ball experience demonstrated that I just did not know how to move in full-length formal. I wanted to be 'me getting married', not 'not dressed as a bride'. Of course most women look just great in trad bridal and want to do it, it just wasn't for me. Have never regretted it.

I suspect a lot of traditional expectations are dying out now, though - you're probably much less likely these days to encounter people disappointed if you don't wear white or have a tiered fruit cake or haven't invited the whole universe - especially if the couple themselves is paying.

Have you ever watched the programme "Marrying Mum and Dad" on CBBC?
It's several years old now so probably isn't on any more but basically it has children planning the wedding for their parents.
It's brilliant. So much more fun than the "traditional" type.
The only thing required for being married is the legal bit (licence, witnesses, registrar, a couple of sentences you have to say out loud...) the rest you can do what ever you want.

Totally agree with you!
In any case , I think the "traditional" white wedding and sit-down reception model is increasingly becoming financially unsustainable. With the prices of food, clothes, booze etc going up so much in the past 5 years I genuinely don't know how people are managing it. Bring on alternative weddings! And low-key ones too...

Totally agree. We’re getting married next year, second marriage for both of us and we plan on doing it exactly as we want.

We’re having a BBQ rather than a sit down meal and we’re not planning on speeches because it will be impossible for DP to relax until that bits over and we both want him to be present and relaxed for the ceremony

As a disclaimer, I planned my wedding but never had it because of Covid. But while I would have agreed with this beforehand, what I learnt while doing the planning was that there are some aspects that are traditional because they just work better for a large mass-catered event. So yes, wear whatever you like, pie instead of cake etc. But the logistics of Chinese takeaway would most likely not work well when scaled up unless you planned it very carefully and were able to find a caterer who could handle the numbers and timing. We learnt this when discussing what we thought we wanted with a very savvy caterer who basically just set out what the timing and the order of things needed to be, where we could deviate from the norm, and where we really couldn't.

It's not that I disagree with you, but what you tend to find with things that have been done in a particular way for years and years is that there tends to be a reason for each decision OR you just can't be arsed to make all the tiny decisions about cake knives or how to keep chinese food warm or how to stop it being a scrum at the buffet table. Not necessarily for wearing white (which I think is relatively modern in the whole history of marriage) but lots of other things.

Plus don't underestimate symbolism and conditioning, eg I didn't want my dad to give me away and he agreed as we're both feminists but when it came to it he felt like everyone would think I hated him, and I didn't want him to feel like that for such a small thing... and so on to infinity.

I am on the fence

Inviting the family, in the widest meaning, when it might be the only time you ever invite them is not a bad thing. I think it's a shame when people don't get in touch with their relatives, cousins etc. Otherwise you might bump into them at funerals, when most of the times you could be very good friends.

Clothes, food and location? Of course do what you want, why wouldn't you?

As long as you are VERY clear on the invitations when it's not traditional. If you want an afternoon paintball for your wedding, go for it, just do let very clearly know aunt Carole so she doesn't turn up in her best heels and frock.

If you are planning it outside in a field, tell the guests too - if they need wellies, they need wellies. They can decline but they don't have to treck around in high heel sandals in a foot of mud.

To some extent yes, but OTOH a lot of what mades a wedding special is the tradition/ceremony around it.

I don't think that means you have to perfectly stick to every tradition, but it wouldn't work if you just said hey I want to have a party to celebrate my relationship. People don't see it the same unless it's recognisably a "wedding". Part of the importance of it is because it's a cultural tradition which goes back generations.

OMG yes - all of it was just a stress, DH and I nearly snuck off and did it when we were on holiday, just the 2 of us, but I knew my mum would be furious. I have DDs now and I absolutely will encourage them to (if) they get married to do it how they want to and stuff traditions

Totally agree. We went just the 2 of us to NYC. Total stranger for our witness.
My first wedding....didn't say traditional vows, 11 of us there, small lunch. No cake.

DH and I were witnesses in New York at City Hall for the wedding of two strangers. A very special day for them - we are still in touch.

I agree people should have the wedding they want. Tradition where always new a one point
But please remember the comfort of your guests, if you want a vindaloo then great but maybe check if someone might want korma, (obviously using curry as a symbol). And remember the pictures aren’t the bell all and end all, it’s fine if aunty carol wants to wear blue instead of black.

Agree with @BarnacleBeasley and @Poppingby . It's lovely to say 'you do you' but in reality it's likely to be a disorganised mess OR far more expensive than even the normal wedding costs. If you don't want a traditional wedding, fine, but I'd advocate a small wedding or eloping. I've attended a wedding as a guest where they did do the traditional format but definitely focused on their own wants rather than hosting the guests (multiple photo shoots away from guests, for example). It was a bit of a crap wedding and I didn't enjoy it.

So AIBU to think couples should ignore all the tradition policing and do whatever the hell feels good to them?
I don't like it when people take it to extremes and do what they want without any thought to their guests.

You only have to read any thread about wedding invites on here to know that people are very quick to say 'do it your way, do what makes you happy, there's no need to spend loads and make it stressful' but you MUST still invite certain people otherwise you are literally SPITTING IN THEIR FACE and you have NO RESPECT FOR THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE and you MUST invite people you dont know, dont like, or have only spoken a few words to because they are married to someone you want there and you MUST invites whole families and on and on it goes...

ABSOLUTELY!!
What is a wedding but a celebration of the Union of marriage.
Yes over the years there are certain expectations and traditions that are upheld that have become in some people's mind to be commonplace/expected but these are just expectations and traditions. Not all traditions are good. Not all expectations have to be followed.

for the most part I would say that a wedding ceremony should be personalized to the couple but also be respectful of the couples family and friends. Because a wedding is a celebration of the Union but all the guests are family and friends so you should be respectful of them as well. For instance you might be nudist but if all your family and friends would be uncomfortable with that, you might want to rethink your public wedding and just have a nude ceremony.
LOL I don't know why the idea of a nude ceremony came to me first as an example.

I feel appalled at waste and extra stress being placed on people when it's not necessary. I feel this way about Christmas every year, I hate seeing the waste of plastic junk that's used once then thrown out, the waste of paper, the waste of money the waste of food and how much stress people put into the holidays. And I feel the same way about weddings. So much money, so much planning, so much stress and for what? It's one day. It's not even the marriage, it's not the house, it's not the life together, it's one day.

I would say within reason, have whatever you want for your wedding. As long as you're both comfortable with it, and you're not alienating your guests too much with your choices (and if you are maybe don't invite any guests...)
And have a wonderful time with it.
It's just a party.

I got married in 2001 and pie instead of cake was on trend at the time (pork pie specifically, or a stack of cheeses) . My friend got married in red that same summer and we had Chinese (not takeaway tbf - just booked the restaurant out). Not sure dry chicken has ever been traditional. BBQs, fish and chips, hog roasts , ice cream vans have all been standard for over 3 decades. Often people just go with what is easy and a venue where you can have a ceremony and then have your guests fed is easy - but not if you start saying “the room is lovely but instead of any of these set menus where you are making your profit I’d like a takeaway to be brought in at 3pm or something your chef doesn’t offer and hasn’t ever cooked for 80 people before”

I don't think people should just start swearing. What if there are children around?

Surely people do this anyway? I've seen weddings with black for bridges, small and nothing 'traditional', abroad (I did this, just 2 of us), eloping to Gretna, and all sorts in between.

Anyone who plans a wedding based on what they 'think' is traditional and they 'should' do it foolish. It can cost a lot of money too.

What I've seen more in recent years is HUGE weddings going over several days following HUGE hen and stag weekends, nights, weeks etc. Hiring accommodation centres/holiday home complexes, masses of 'tat' balloon tunnels, lights, plastic, flowers, trees of treats, piles of 'bits n bobs' for the tables etc etc. A mountain of spending. If they want it and can afford it... up to them, although the planet doesn't thank them. If they don't want it but do it because others did, more fool them. No of this signifies how much the love is or if the vows last more than a year or so.....

Same here.

I didn’t mean it literally, just ‘ignore tradition’ in a casual way.

I agree, far too often couples’ weddings are ruined because their parents insist on doing it their way. Mine included! I gave up eventually and handed the reins over entirely to DH’s family. I do regret losing out on having a nice wedding but it was that or start married life with a rift so i felt stuck.

As a guest myself, I just want to eat something, see the outfits, maybe cry a little and go home. What I love is seeing couples actually enjoy their day.

Yes, me too. Their wedding, their day, their choice.

I do see a lot of people moaning on Mumsnet about other people's weddings though. Which I can understand when the complaint is 'My cousin is having a destination wedding that's going to cost £1,000 and five days of my annual leave to attend, and we're expected to bring our children even though it's in term-time, and there's a dress code that says we all have to wear a specific colour'. But when people are whining about things like 'We went to a wedding and later we found out that the ceremony we attended on the beach/in the garden/in a forest glade wasn't actually the legally binding one, and now I'm furious because I wouldn't have gone if I'd known we weren't going to see them sign the actual bit of paper that confirms they're married for tax reasons', those are the kinds of wedding guests that really ought to fuck right off.

The only rules there should be for weddings are:

• Invite whoever you want
• Wear what you want
• Let your guests wear what they want
• Feed people
• Be clear on the invitation what will happen on the day and what the venue's like so people can plan accordingly
• Don't be offended if your wedding is too expensive/far away/child-free/whatever for some people to attend
• Have a brilliant time

@BauhausOfEliott People don't like to be misled. If you invite me to your wedding, I'm going to assume it's your wedding. If you invite me to a celebration of your marriage, I'll still come. And weddings on the beach or in a forest glade can be legally binding here.

your wedding doesn’t give you carte blanch to do as you please at the expense of your guests.

you are hosting an event. That means the enjoyment and comfort of your guests should be at the forefront of your mind. Too little food/long waits for drinks/complicated dress codes or other instructions are all irritating for attendees who for the main part want to turn up, see you happy, not starve and spend time with other guests.

so have the pie, wear red but fgs remember it’s not actually all about you