Am I right to cut off my 81 year old Dad at the age of 50?

[Motheroffive999]

Is it a bad thing and why do I feel guilty ?
I have to side with my adult children because he has pushed things too far.
Mainly rudeness , lies and broken promises and before my Mum passed away he was an absolute , more than 10 affairs that I know of , unkind and would beat us( not mum ).
Does anyone else have broken contact as an adult with an elderly parent?
Thank you for reading .

Not been there myself, but I would cut him off in a heartbeat.

We reap what we sow.

I usually feel very sorry for elderly people who are alone, but relationships require effort and investment on both sides. It doesn't sound like your dad has earned the right to a relationship with you.

I'm sorry.

Do what you need to do to gain peace. 💐

Definitely get rid - and have a lovely Christmas.

Just because somebody is older does not mean they are good people and deserving of forgiveness. If he has been so bad that you feel this way then that is on him not you, he has made his bed so......

I don’t think he has any right to your attention. He hasn’t built an actual relationship with you, I don’t expect.

However you need to behave in a way that makes sense to you emotionally. Try out some scenarios in your mind. Imagine how you’ll feel. Then choose what to do.

My DM deserves very little from her DC because she’s awful. However she’s also pretty frail and vulnerable so I help as much as I am able, from a distance. I struggle to behave well on a day to day basis because she’s infuriating, but when she goes I will have no guilt. I panicked slightly last week that I was alienating my DC by staying in touch, but checked in with them and they agree I’m doing the right thing, for us.

That doesn’t mean, at all, that you need to stay in touch with your father. It just means that you need to check how you’ll feel about your choice afterwards. You may feel, ‘shit! I wasted another ten years pandering to that awful man, and let him ruin Christmas, what was I thinking?!’.

No I wouldn’t personally. Not now. But everyone else on MN will disagree because they’ve all cut their parents off as well and want to normalise it. Would it be helpful to speak to your dad and tell him how you feel?

There's a societal norm that cutting off a parent, especially an elderly one is a terrible thing to do - which is why you are feeling guilt. I never completely cut off my mum but had gone very low com with her by the time she died for my own sanity. You obviously have your reasons OP and I'm sure this is a decision that has been a long time coming and which you've given a great deal of thought to. Trust your decision and don't allow yourself to be guilt tripped into changing your mind. You've done this for the good of yourself and your other family. I wish you all the best.
,

It sounds like your father has been very selfish OP. It does catch up with men who have lived their lives like this - who belatedly realise they have no one to care for them - but this doesn’t mean they treat the people around them any better. They are just more demanding in my experience. They are staving off the feelings of guilt and loneliness

You should set firm boundaries on any help you do offer. You only do those things and not others. Cutting off may be easier.

Dead to me for the above reasons that OP gave in first post.

Where is there any evidence of that let alone 'everyone on MN' ?
Some peeps aren't prepared to be treated like door mats and put up with shit behaviour from the parents or family, nor should they.
Everyone has different experiences of life.

Yes. I’ve done it.
years of watching him abuse my mum psychologically, vile misogyny towards me, wrote me and my brother vile letters when my mum finally left him.
tried to maintain some sort of relationship but he’s got a new girlfriend who is just awful. Every time I rang to speak to him, he’d put me on speaker and she’d start shouting at me. I realised he had the power to stop this and didn’t.
i decided enough was enough. I’ve not had any contact with him since April and neither has my brother.

Go ahead - but have the courage of your convictions and tell him you don't want any inheritance from him either.

It sounds like you have more than enough reason to cut him off on your own account. But if he's done something that has affected your DCs then even more so you need to support them and show them that they are your priority.

Here we have someone with relatively "normal" parents who cannot concieve how it might be necessary to go NC with a parent.

OP - do whatever you need to do for your own peace and MH
You owe this man nothing

I agree that you should do what is best for you. I knew most posts would encourage you to go no contact. He sounds like a rotter and probably deserves it. It seems to me the reason you are undecided is because he is so old now. That doesn’t excuse his behaviour but I think I would feel guilty taking stand against it now at this late and possibly vulnerable stage in his life.

If the guilt will outweigh any benefit of going nc, I would wait it out. Unless he is still actively hurting you, then get the hell away from him and leave him to it

Why did you wait till he was 81 OP, has he become worse?

It will take courage op but I would go NC. He stopped being a ‘parent’ in the true sense of the world many years ago and is now just a rude cantankerous old man that you happen to be related to. This isn’t the last century we women don’t have to endure abusive relationships no matter what the dynamics of it are.

I wouldn’t feel remotely bad about it. Sounds like his just desserts.

I have done this. The situation is complex. Problem is that my father is outwardly the best father one could have. So it's doubly difficult - people think I am mad, which is difficult to deal with.

If he died tomorrow would you regret anything?

Would you regret not telling him something - whether it's a few home truths or to have a general discussion to wonder why things turned out the way they did or even to ask certain hard questions.

I went NC with mine guilt free once I realised that he was already dead to me. Only you can decide this.

After the most recent event where he showed absolutely appalling behaviour at our son's wedding( after promising to behave to get an invitation ) I ignored him for a few weeks , he then telephoned because he wanted me to order him something , no apology, etc.
I then wrote him a letter to tell him how he had upset several relatives in one day and asked him to not to contact me .
I was due to have surgery and he knew this and biopsies taken and I couldn't deal with him as well .I am so angry.
So far he has respected my decision, but he is sly and the sort of thing he would do would just turn up on my doorstep or send card / letter/ send a relative round etc.
I do not want this. I have had enough , but colleagues think I am mean.
He upset alot of people at the wedding and they will not forgive.

Do what makes you happy. If you’re ok doing it, then fine.

I cut contact, no regrets - well obviously, literally everyone on Mumsnet has done that 🙄. If you want to cut contact OP, do it. Your dad sounds horrendous and I'm sure you've barely scratched the surface with what you've told us.

Your points are valid op and no one else can tell you how it feels to be stuck with a parent who behaves like this, the meanness, the unprovoked bullying, the unpredictability of when the bad behaviour will happen, the fact that you have to keep your guard up and warn your dc to ignore him or not take it to heart, the fact that he ruins most special occasions, the sense of entitlement, it never ends and it takes a toll on your physical and mental health as well as ruining any memories you have of family events.