AIBU to think it is okay to keep my home tidy without being called controlling?

[warrenettie]

My friend keeps telling me I am “too tidy” and that my place looks like I am expecting visitors at any moment. For context, I just like my home to feel calm and easy to move around in. I pick things up as I go, I put things back where they belong, and I cannot relax if the sofa is covered in toys and yesterday’s bowls.
The friend in question thinks homes should look “lived in” and that cleaning can wait until the weekend. I honestly do not care how she runs her house. I never comment. But every time she comes over she jokes that she feels like she needs to take her shoes off and whisper in case she “messes up my system.”
I find it annoying because I am not forcing anyone to do anything. I just like my space clean. It makes my day easier and it stops me from losing my mind when everything piles up.
AIBU to think it is perfectly normal to want my home tidy and that she is the one making it a big deal?

I’d love to be as clean as you … I’m trying …. but I agree I can’t stand mess and clutter it makes me feel stressed!!

Your “friend” is just trying to empty your bucket to try and make herself feel better…. Try and have catchups outside the house in future or tell her opinions are like farts …. Everyone’s got on inside them but they don’t need to all come outside!!

Unless it’s a hygiene matter, it’s ok to run your house how you want it. I’m probably somewhere between you and your friend in that I keep it tidy and never leave the kitchen in anything but a pristine state before I go to bed but the whole house is not perfect by any means. I think your friend is probably trying to make herself feel better, don’t read anything into her comments other than that

Your friend is very rude to make these comments.

I think when she sees your nice tidy home she must feel guilty that hers is messy and she is wanting you to lower your standards to make herself feel better.

Everybody is different and everybody has different time pressures so often it's not possible to keep things neat and tidy. I would never dream of commenting on the state of someone's home when I went into it. But if I went into yours i would find it a pleasure to be in somewhere tidy.

I agree, I used to always clean and tidy in the morning so that I could get on with my day happy although not down to every last piece of fluff or anything. Now with baby and older cat, it's not as easy 🥲

Your friend is a cow. Tell her to have her home as SHE pleases but she's no longer invited to yours as she can't stop criticising your home.

Better yet tell her to Fuck Off completely as she's not worthy of your friendship.

I think it's mainly fine to be like that but e.g. if someone is building a big railway set (or pick another big intricate, somewhat creative play option) but it isn't allowed to stay out to be played with later or expanded on for another day then that's a real shame. Not all the time, I do see things have to be tidied eventually, but sometimes it can be good to allow stuff like that to extend over longer periods.

Editing to add: to be clear, last night's dishes etc are never a creative endeavour!

I would just not invite her around anymore, and tell her its because she criticises your home to much. She must live in a pig sty only cleaning once a week!

We're all different, I'm closer to your friend but I certainly wouldn't criticise you for your approach.

I think there's a big difference between so tidy you're scared to move, and yesterday's bowls on the sofa!

I had a friend, as a child, who's home was so immaculate we didnt feel welcome. Child was visi my stressed at the prospect of making any mess at all, that cant be right.

Yesterday's plates spread around the house is horrible.

I had a friend like this, she always used to 'joke' that she felt like Hyacinth Bucket's nervous neighbour! Very tiresome.
I agree a home should be lived in but how it looks is completely up to the person who actually lives there!!

Meet elsewhere and don't take it to heart. Your friend has dreadful manners.

She's just trying to justify her home being a tip. Ignore or start meeting up elsewhere.

I'm really messy, I do try to keep my house tidy but I really struggle, even with a cleaner. Personally I love spending time in super tidy friends' houses!

I had a friend like this who was really critical of my house being tidy. Her house was very untidy, piles of stuff all over the floor and stuff like dirty water kept in a bucket for days. I never said a word about her house. It’s a bit like people being rude about women being slim but no one can say a word about them being overweight.

The friendship ended, her instigation though it was obviously on the slide. I realised how critical she had been of everything . She was very chippy about her background. We were both from very humble backgrounds, I never hide my roots, she was ashamed of hers.

Yesterday’s bowls etc is absolute slob behaviour, sounds like she’s embarrassed about being a grot and is taking it out on you. Not a good friend IMO…

Your friend isn’t being nice, no doubt she would like a clean/tidy home but couldn’t be bothered about actually putting the effort in to achieve this. I’d be the same as you, though there never would be bowls left on the sofas, even for a minute! I’m sure you’re already mentioned to her that if you tidy as you go along, it takes seconds whereas as leaving it until the weekend results in a bigger and more time consuming effort.

Next time she mentions taking off her shoes, say .. yes, please do, we don’t really wear shoes around the house. Don’t engage with her when she talks about her cleaning habits vs yours. Just move the conversation on.

Wow. I love a 'lived in' look but it definitely doesn't include yesterday's bowls or toys on the sofa. I think your standards are fine.

If you are hovering with the hoover while someone eats a biscuit,or tidying up toys half way through a game, or barely letting someone finish a cup if tea, you would be controlling.

But putting stuff away when finished with,not letting washing up build up, keeping toys organised etc is normal.

You need to practice your Paddington stare.
Or, next time she says something say " this again. Long pause. Get over it, Lisa, you are getting boring" 🫤

My grandma liked her house tidy.

if you put a cup down she’d tidy it away whether you’d finished it or not.

nobody was allowed to put anything anywhere. If you were cooking you had to tidy as you go.

houses can be too tidy.

I hate tidiness but your friend is being a 🐮

You get to decide what makes your habitat comfortable to you

I get where you are coming from OP. I like a clutter free, clean and tidy home. I put things back in their place when finished with and hoover the house every day, dust three times a week. As you say, it stops things piling up. For me, it also means there is no manic all over clean needed at the end of the week.

I’ve been told that the house isn’t a “show home”. Agreed, but it’s far more relaxing to be in the house when it’s clutter free, clean and tidy.

I’m not changing for anyone, why should I? It’s not them doing it, it’s me.

That actually made me laugh, but yes I get what you mean. I am not trying to make anyone feel bad and I am definitely not judging her house. I just function better when things are in their place.
I think you are right that some people project a bit when they see someone doing things differently. Maybe I will suggest meeting out somewhere next time so it does not turn into a running joke every visit. I just want a normal chat without having to defend why my cushions are straight.

That actually sounds really familiar. It is funny how the people who make the biggest comments about someone else’s standards are often the ones who would be furious if you ever said anything back. And you are right, there is definitely a double standard there.
I do think some of it comes from insecurity though. When someone feels touchy about their own situation, they look for something to pick at in others. It does not excuse the behaviour, but it kind of explains why every little thing becomes a dig.
I am not at the stage of ending the friendship, but I can see how the constant criticism would grind you down. It is tiring when you cannot just be yourself without feeling like you are being picked apart.

Big difference between yesterday’s bowls on the sofa and toys on the sofa.