Should I tell my parents about ex husbands secret child?

[Stacksandstacksofbooks]

Recently separated from my husband and we may be considering a trial separation. When we first met, a few dates in he told me that his ex girlfriend was pregnant with his child, I said I would support him, however, as time went on he described her as mentally unstable, psychotic, bunny boiler and said for his own and our safety he would have nothing to do with her, he also stated that she tricked him into getting pregnant.

The child would be a teenager now and ex has paid child support since birth, he’s not on the birth certificate. He even said at the beginning that the child might not be his but since stated it is. His child was a forbidden topic in the house, I didn’t agree with his choice to never meet or try to see his child and our own children do not know of their half sibling.

My parents are aware of the issues in our marriage and how I was treated but my question is - should I drop the bombshell or keep quiet? In telling them it would paint a bigger picture of why I left but it also may finish them off! They are elderly and already stressed and very upset with the fact that I’m separated.

Also ex recently said that he thinks his child might be trying to get in touch with him via facebook.

Why would you tell them now?

It’s none of their business yet they may dwell on this information; they could upset you by bringing it up so I’d keep quiet.

I think you should keep quiet, not telling your parents or children. It's not your news to share.. especially as you are separated from your husband anyway. Leave well alone.

You too have known that your ex has a child since you first started dating him and yet you chose to move in with him and even have your own children with him! And now, you want to land him in bother by spilling the beans? How are your own children going to react?
What an absolute mess.

I don’t think you should be using a child as a weapon against your husband, no. The only reason you’re considering telling people now, is to paint him in a bad light. What if you decided to try and repair your marriage after a trial separation? The damage would be done.

Good advice.

Did he and you not worry for a child he had left in the care of a woman he described as "mentally unstable, psychotic, bunny boiler and said for his own and our safety he would have nothing to do with her."?

Has he never had any contact with his child?

Do you not wonder if your children would like to know about their half sibling?

You shouldn’t tell your parents but you must tell your children. It is completely unacceptable to hide a half sibling from them.

I also don’t understand why now is the time you feel the need to tell about this. The time to do that was when you first knew. Not now your marriage is in trouble and it will look like you’re being malicious.

I have a similar situation, I’m actually not sure if I told my parents (DH and I still together) but think very carefully about not telling your children. We told ours early on ish (young teenagers) simply because there was a possibility that the child may turn up out of the blue which would not be fair. All are in their 30s and no sign of the first child but you simply never know.

Why would you cause them distress. That’s really cruel.

Em priorities OP.
The only priority you should have is how are you going to support your dc when they inevitably find out they have an older half-sibling they didn't even know about!

Sorry, you’ve never told your own children that they have a half-sibling?! I honestly don’t understand how you could lie to them (even if it is by omission) about such a massive thing.

This
And any man who disowns or doesn't acknowledge his child is well below bar

What about the child?????????????????????

Why now?

Your ex husbands teenage secret child has nothing to do with your parents. You never told them all this time, why bother now?

Your parents are the least of your worries. You're only contemplating telling them to make him look bad (and in doing so, make yourself look better).

The far more pressing issue is that your children don't know they have a half-sibling - how could you keep this from them? And now the child (or whatever age they are) might be searching for him on Facebook? This is not something you should have kept from them. You need to rectify this ASAP. I'm appalled.

have you thought about the impact on your children when they find out that their parents kept from them that they have a sibling. It is well documented that these situations cause lasting damage.
I am also very worried that you are just interested in revenge on your ex. If you felt your parents deserved to know this should have been shared at the beginning of your relationship.
you chose to be with someone who would leave their child with someone who is described as toxic and to have nothing to do with them.
I find this thread really sad.

You have a ticking time bomb of your own co-making.
You decided to go ahead with the relationship knowing this was happening. You colluded in keeping a half sibling from your children.

It was always highly likely that his child would look for him. And if not now, through Facebook, in the future through some Ancestry thing. Or because something happens to precipitate the ‘psycho etc’ mother getting in touch. (They always say the woman is psycho/ bunny boiler etc).

Work out how to tell your children, think about your own role in this, but do not do it as revenge against your ex.

And think how much worse it will be for your kids if they realise that not only you and H knew but didn’t tell them but their grandparents knew too.

Do not tell your parents and cause needless distress to them but do think about how you are going to talk to your children and when, depending on their ages.

Agree with those who say what would be the point and consider the upset.

But are you thinking about the credibility of this story, because I think you should

Quite weird that you were complicit in hiding this huge secret from your children. That’s the main issue here, not your parents.

I have adult children with children of their own and quite frankly if you told me, years later, that you had got together with this man after knowing what an absolute shit he was I would judge you as well as him. Can you honestly say you believed his nonsense, someone who says that crap about their previous partner, it’s almost a script of how to justify his lack of involvement in his child’s life. If she really was that crazy should he have left the child in her care, he could have informed SS if he couldn’t be bothered to do anything else. No way would a man like this pay child support if he thought the child wasn’t his, have you seen proof of the payments?
Be prepared that he won’t bother seeing your kids if you officially break up, after all he has form for it.

I don’t know about telling your parents. But please tell your children about their half sibling.
I have been that person who found out they had a half sibling they knew nothing about when the half sibling got in contact with me through Facebook. My dad knew that sibling may make contact and he still didn’t tell me.
Finding out about a half sibling is a shock, but finding it out from the sibling in question (who is a stranger at that point), rather than your parents, is something else.

I got together with him thinking that he would be seeing his child and that his child would be a part of our lives. It was only after his ex had the baby that there was no contact. Ex would turn nasty if I mentioned his child and he knew how much I disapproved of there being no contact, I always tried to encourage him to see the baby and could never understand why he wasn’t fighting to see his child. He said that his ex had broken him and he didn’t have the strength to fight her, he told me he had PTSD and was too traumatised. By that time I was expecting our first child and he refused to discuss it ever again except when the CM statements arrived and he would go into a black mood.