Should I tell my parents about ex husbands secret child?

[Stacksandstacksofbooks]

Recently separated from my husband and we may be considering a trial separation. When we first met, a few dates in he told me that his ex girlfriend was pregnant with his child, I said I would support him, however, as time went on he described her as mentally unstable, psychotic, bunny boiler and said for his own and our safety he would have nothing to do with her, he also stated that she tricked him into getting pregnant.

The child would be a teenager now and ex has paid child support since birth, he’s not on the birth certificate. He even said at the beginning that the child might not be his but since stated it is. His child was a forbidden topic in the house, I didn’t agree with his choice to never meet or try to see his child and our own children do not know of their half sibling.

My parents are aware of the issues in our marriage and how I was treated but my question is - should I drop the bombshell or keep quiet? In telling them it would paint a bigger picture of why I left but it also may finish them off! They are elderly and already stressed and very upset with the fact that I’m separated.

Also ex recently said that he thinks his child might be trying to get in touch with him via facebook.

He had PTSD! Wow cool story

I don't think your parents need to know anything except that you feel the separation is something you need to do and that you are OK and will manage, and that they can support you just by being there and doing normal things with you.

i wouldn't tell them, but to be honest everything you have said tells me you were probably deceived, that he was probably mentally abusive manipulative to you and the mother of his child, takes no responsibility for his actions and blames everyone else. if he never saw the child shows what sort of man he is not to be in kids life and played the ex is a nutter card. if i am wrong i apologies but i have a feeling im not

If they're elderly and this would cause them stress or upset, I wouldn't tell them.

If Your parents have decided to make it all about themselves, being stressed and upset because you have separated despite knowing the issues in your marriage, which you’ve said that they do, yes I’d tell them. Being elderly is not an excuse to land further guilt on their own daughter. Just because many of their generation clung onto any old shitty relationship doesn’t mean you should. They sound extremely selfish.

If only a trial separation then don’t slate him too much, as if you get back together you may move on, but others don’t. I say that from experience.

So you went out with someone whose partner was pregnant and only broken up for a few weeks. You then thought a few months later when he refused to see or support (physically and emotionally) the child that he was someone worth being in a relationship and have children with. Now you are keeping a huge secret from your children and are thinking of telling your parents as revenge to your ex. Wow !

They don't need to know. What would it achieve; apart from to make you feel more justified in leaving perhaps?

OP has to tell her DC or they could end up dating…

Besides that, it just feels totally wrong to hide a sibling like that.

Wow, why on earth did you stay with this man when he told you all that? Shows what character he is. I wouldn’t bother telling them, and don’t know why you’re thinking on a trial separation. Just do it.

Well you were happy to turn a blind eye at the beginning
now it’s going tits up you want to tell your parents I suspect the reason is to see him in a bad light thus gaining more support for you

I question your motives for sharing this info now

As a parent I would be the opposite.

But I’m not a victim blamer. Way to go blaming the person he spouted lies to!!

Abusive relationships are steep learning curves and the OP has learnt he is a liar and her ex husband held fear over them if they tried to raise or discuss issues- have you ever lived like that as it is awful really awful. These people can have you doubting your own shadow.

OP I would say - ex lied about some issues before we got together and then was aggressive and would not discuss when we were together, these issues are on him. My relationship with him wasn’t normal he was and I can see it now - controlling me and what I could ask or discuss as I became conditioned to the fact if I tried to raise things in an adult way he would sulk, get angry or abusive so it was really difficult to have a normal marriage.

It turns out although he denied it at the start, that he probably has a child who is …..20 years old and has been reaching out to him. He’s not supported them or had anything to do with them - he’s been a dead beat ‘father’ and lied and covered this up. This is not something I would have agreed with and told him if the child was his - they could have been part of our family but he behaved in such a way I could not discuss it. I am going to be telling our children who are 14,16 about the situation in case the child from Derek reaches out direct to them - and try to help them navigate the situation in an age appropriate way. Ex is being an idiot and still won’t discuss this - so I am going to be making some decisions about how to navigate this situation over coming weeks and months. I don’t need you to do anything but wanted to give your an outline in case Dean and Sarah (my children) mention it. This is not the reason for our divorce it is a small part of the lies and coercion and intimidation to behave in relationship in a certain way. This divorce is the right decision and I’m more then capable to mothering solo but as always appreciate your support.

You shouldn’t be telling your parents (as it’s really not their business). But, as PPs have said, your DC should be told.

I would tell your ex that he needs to tell them.

As above this is none of your parents business but is your dc’s. Telling more people risks your dc finding out from other people before you tell them.

This was literally my thought. I wouldn’t open Pandora’s box if it wasn’t something you wanted them to know for the past 13+ years. Not telling them was your choice surely

”however, as time went on he described her as mentally unstable, psychotic, bunny boiler and said for his own and our safety he would have nothing to do with her”

Who leaves their child in the care of someone who is “mentally unstable, psychotic,”?

Men describing their exes this way is a huge red flag, 99% of the time it’s the man who is the problem, and they just blame their ex. You imply he’s treated you badly during your marriage, which probably means he treated his (pregnant) ex badly too.

To answer your initial question tho, what would you really achieve by letting this secret out now? Is it worth it?

No point telling people to make him look bad now you’re separating. I would think you were almost as bad as him for shacking up with someone with a child on the way and then hiding the child.

If this woman is such a psychopath, why did neither of you safeguard the child and inform social services? Seems like you both know that’s not true and decided to bury your head, seeing his child as an inconvenience.

Your children should be informed. What if they were to meet this secret sibling on a night out and begin a sexual relationship with them?

Expect a backlash, I would be furious if my parents his a sibling from me.

I would support him, however, as time went on he described her as mentally unstable, psychotic, bunny boiler and said for his own and our safety he would have nothing to do with her

But…… he is absolutely fine with a person like this raising HIS child all by herself for years…… 😂

You would be telling your parents out of spite. Not cool.

I’ll be honest that I haven’t read all of your posts but my first impressions are:

1. you knew about the child and were happy to keep his secret.
2. especially when you had your own kids because…?
3. and now you think he is a bad partner and want people to see him how you see him.
4. but also you are portraying that keeping the secret is protecting your stressed, elderly parents?

You didn’t protect anyone other than yourself and now that it suits you, you want to reveal the secret? I’m not saying you weren’t scared and coerced by him, just be honest…what’d the actual motive of revealing the secret? Because if it’s trying to do something right by the abandoned child, then fine but if it’s revenge, then no. Though it will probably be revealed in the end.

Im sorry you’re going through this despite my harsh words.