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AIBU?

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Original poster

Phone transparency in marriage

51 replies

Spacemoonpf1 · 20/11/2025 19:52

Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate some advice.

I’ve been married to my husband for 13 years. Throughout our marriage, I’ve come across flirty texts especially whenever he travels. Messages are usually deleted, and a few years ago there were messages on his phone he slept with a prostitute on his stag do. Because of all this, I’ve struggled with anxiety and never really felt secure.

Recently, on another trip, he gave his number to a woman who he knew was clearly interested in him. His explanation was that I should trust him that he won’t take things further and that he “talks to lots of people” and that he gives his number for lots of reasons (business etc). At the same time, because I was feeling really low and ignored, I chatted to someone too (I didn’t meet them, and nothing happened). I even told my husband about it so he could understand how it feels. He said it hurt him deeply, but then he started talking to another girl himself because I chatted to someone -even though it’s something I’ve never done before -in fact the chat only lasted 3 days as I felt uncomfortable flirting with someone else on text.

Most of these women are far away, but the behaviour keeps repeating: deleting messages, gaslighting, turning things around so I look like the problem. When I ask for transparency, he gives the wrong passcode to his phone , then later give me the right one, then changes it again.

I’m now in therapy and slowly getting my self-esteem back. I’ve told him I need full transparency on phones going forward. Not to snoop, but because of years of broken trust. I’ve said that if he refuses, I may have to move towards divorce. We have no children together (I have my own), and I’m not too worried about the financial side if I leave.

My question is: Is it unreasonable to expect full phone transparency after repeated broken trust and deleted messages?

I grew up being told “this is what men do,” so I tolerated a lot. But reading here, I’m realising some people actually have marriages without constant suspicion or anxiety.

I’d love to hear your perspectives.

I just asked him again for full phone access and he said he’s got no issues with that but it’s because I should have a reason to go in his phone

OP posts:
FionnulaTheCooler · 20/11/2025 19:54

I think if you can't trust him, and he's certainly given you reason not to, the relationship has no future. Personally the sleeping with a prostitute would have been a deal breaker for me, I'd be disgusted with that behaviour.

fireandlightening · 20/11/2025 19:54

I think its unreasonable to be in a relationship with someone who you do not, and it seems cannot, be trusted. The phone transparency isn't the issue.

Butterflywings84 · 20/11/2025 19:56

I don’t think phone transparency is going to help things - he can easily do things he shouldn’t without any trace of it being on his phone. It seems you don’t trust him at all (for good reason) and not sure how you come back from that

queenofwandss · 20/11/2025 19:57

I really think you would be happier in the long term if you leave. There is no trust in this relationship and the gaslighting is horrible. I hope your therapy helps you see how much more you deserve.

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 20/11/2025 19:58

Trust comes quite naturally in our relationship and husband would never have any reason to stop me looking at his phone or messages. I think that’s the normal that everyone should strive towards.

Notsurewhatisnormalanymore · 20/11/2025 19:59

I think it should be illegal to marry someone if you haven’t disclosed that you’ve had an affair / have cheated on that person. I’m not sure how we would police it but it’s disgusting to me that someone is allowed to lie and then the other person signs a legal document that amounts to having to give away 50% of everything they own to the other person if they divorce because of that lie. It’s so immoral. The government wouldn’t allow it to go unpunished if it were their money! I have no advice because really he’s a piece of shit isn’t he? I’m sorry you were conned into marrying him.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 20/11/2025 19:59

I know all of my husbands passwords.
I have never once looked in his phone at his messages.

If you need to look then you don’t trust him and the relationship is over,

Raindropsonaprilflowers · 20/11/2025 19:59

Gently, your marriage hasn’t been a marriage for quite some time. He will not change, regardless of what you ask him to do to prove himself to you. You are setting yourself up for evermore helpings of everything he has served you so far in your relationship. If that’s what you want for yourself then truthfully, no one here can help you with that.

drusilla49 · 20/11/2025 20:00

If I had to have full access to my partners phone in order to trust them, then I would not consider that person to be someone I wanted to have a relationship with

Anna20MFG · 20/11/2025 20:00

The relationship would have been dead for me when he slept with a prostitute.

Firstsuggestions · 20/11/2025 20:02

I think putting in rules to manage this stuff is the death knell. It's amazing that you are working on this though and finding yourself again. I couldn't be with a man which such low self esteem he constantly needs to chat up other women.

Me and my husband don't have a rule about phone transparency but it's just how it is. We both have the others passcode and I'll go on his phone to send myself a picture he's taken off the kids or to check information. He goes on my phone to check some school/ banking apps. Sometimes I will say, don't look on a certain chat on whatsapp if im discussing presents or something but rarely. However, neither of us snoop. I wouldn't go through his messages or search history.

HundredMilesAnHour · 20/11/2025 20:03

You don’t trust him. Because he’s a cheat. Repeatedly. Phone transparency won’t change this.

I’m glad you’re finally getting some therapy and that it’s helping you with your self-esteem. But it seems like you have a long road to travel yet. Why have you not left this man? Do you not believe you’re worth more than this?

Dery · 20/11/2025 20:06

“Raindropsonaprilflowers · Today 19:59

Gently, your marriage hasn’t been a marriage for quite some time. He will not change, regardless of what you ask him to do to prove himself to you. You are setting yourself up for evermore helpings of everything he has served you so far in your relationship. If that’s what you want for yourself then truthfully, no one here can help you with that.”

This with bells on. What is stopping you walking away?

vitalityvix · 20/11/2025 20:07

I voted YABU because rather than trying to get his passcodes you should be leaving him.

Hallywally · 20/11/2025 20:07

You have no children together and you’re not worried about finances?! What on earth is keeping you with this revolting man? Sleeping with a prostitute is vile on many levels.

Pollqueen · 20/11/2025 20:07

No, this is not normal and your DH is not to be trusted because he's broken your trust multiple times. I know i can pick up my DP's phone at any time and vice versa. No passwords, no locks and nothing to hide and that is how it should be

Bestwishes23 · 20/11/2025 20:08

I wouldn't even put in these stipulations. He's given you ample reason not to trust him. He'll likely find other methods to ensure he can carry on the behaviour even if he does agree to the phone transparency.

sunkissedandwarm · 20/11/2025 20:09

The prostitute would have been the deal breaker for me before I walked down the aisle.

You deserve a marriage where you don't have to look at his phone to try to feel secure. I get the feeling that even if you do have full access, you will still feel insecure (with reason by the sound of it).

I know my DH's password but have never needed to check.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 20/11/2025 20:10

No trust means no relationship and it doesn’t matter if it is a you problem or a him problem.

Monitoring his phone and messages isn’t going to get you the trust you want. You will likely find messages or patterns that trigger you into thinking something is going on- regardless of whether it is or isn’t.

If you can’t trust this guy, divorce, and find a guy you can trust. Monitoring each others phones is no solution.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/11/2025 20:11

I've been married for nearly 20 years and have never even thought to check up on my husbands phone, we both know each other's passcodes and only yesterday he asked me to check his email account for some tickets, if the trust is gone ( and it sounds like it is in your relationship) then it's over.

Dartmoorcheffy · 20/11/2025 20:13

How can you even want to be with him when he has regularly cheated on you. Get rid of the waste of space, he has no respect or love for you.

user2848502016 · 20/11/2025 20:14

I actually think it is unreasonable, DH and I never look at eachother’s phones, but we have no reason not to trust eachother.
I think if you have reached this stage in your relationship it’s time to end things, you’ll never completely trust him

Silverwinged · 20/11/2025 20:14

I grew up being told “this is what men do,” so I tolerated a lot.

Some men do, but not all. And you don't have to be okay with such behavior. Even if this is what all men do, if it harms your self-esteem is it worth to stay in the relationship for the sake of being in a relationship?

Ddakji · 20/11/2025 20:17

He told you who he was when he slept with a prostitute on his stag do.

He won’t change.

Make plans to leave.

sprigatito · 20/11/2025 20:17

You sound like a really lovely person who just wants to be in a normal, loving relationship with someone you can trust and respect. That’s not a big ask, at all, but you’re not going to get it with him no matter how hard you try. He’s just not a good enough man. If I were you I would bite the bullet now and get rid of him, because it won’t get better. The longer you stay, the longer you have no chance of finding the genuine relationship you want - and you’d be stronger and happier single than trying to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.