Phone transparency in marriage

[Spacemoonpf1]

Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate some advice.

I’ve been married to my husband for 13 years. Throughout our marriage, I’ve come across flirty texts especially whenever he travels. Messages are usually deleted, and a few years ago there were messages on his phone he slept with a prostitute on his stag do. Because of all this, I’ve struggled with anxiety and never really felt secure.

Recently, on another trip, he gave his number to a woman who he knew was clearly interested in him. His explanation was that I should trust him that he won’t take things further and that he “talks to lots of people” and that he gives his number for lots of reasons (business etc). At the same time, because I was feeling really low and ignored, I chatted to someone too (I didn’t meet them, and nothing happened). I even told my husband about it so he could understand how it feels. He said it hurt him deeply, but then he started talking to another girl himself because I chatted to someone -even though it’s something I’ve never done before -in fact the chat only lasted 3 days as I felt uncomfortable flirting with someone else on text.

Most of these women are far away, but the behaviour keeps repeating: deleting messages, gaslighting, turning things around so I look like the problem. When I ask for transparency, he gives the wrong passcode to his phone , then later give me the right one, then changes it again.

I’m now in therapy and slowly getting my self-esteem back. I’ve told him I need full transparency on phones going forward. Not to snoop, but because of years of broken trust. I’ve said that if he refuses, I may have to move towards divorce. We have no children together (I have my own), and I’m not too worried about the financial side if I leave.

My question is: Is it unreasonable to expect full phone transparency after repeated broken trust and deleted messages?

I grew up being told “this is what men do,” so I tolerated a lot. But reading here, I’m realising some people actually have marriages without constant suspicion or anxiety.

I’d love to hear your perspectives.

I just asked him again for full phone access and he said he’s got no issues with that but it’s because I should have a reason to go in his phone

Phone transparency isn't the answer here. From my point of view, he's cheated on you multiple times and will never be trustworthy. If you feel the need to go looking through his phone, you can't trust him.

In the 13 years we've been together, i have never looked through my husband's phone or asked to, we know each other's passcodes, we borrow each other's phones if we need to Google something for example.

Please find someone else, there a good men out there who will not treat you so badly.

I think this just about sums it up.

Phone transparency is the least of your worries here

Honestly the ship has long since sailed. “Phone transparency” is an attempt to put a band aid over a gaping wound. Policing someone’s communications is literally an admission that the trust is gone.

You don’t trust him, and you are right not to trust him. He’s clearly shown that he’s not worthy of trust.

I wouldn’t waste any more time on this. Your marriage is dead. There’s a better life on your own or with someone where you don’t have to have them under surveillance.

In simple terms you are wasting your time

for anything to heal you HAVE to draw a line under it and move on not dragging it up

you clearly won’t be able to trust him
as he’s living under scrutiny and there many a true word in if you are cgi if to get blamed u might as well do it

to been able to move this forward years ago he has to behave himself and you have to move on and not dragging it up
I don’t think ether of you can do this

You are being unreasonable in disliking yourself so much that you would settle for this absolute cock womble. Real men don’t do that. I hope you find out how amazing you are and have the strength to kick this loser to the curb.

Did I read that right? He slept with a sex worker on his stag do and you still married him?

Thank you all. Your messages gave me strength to speak to my solicitor who gave me some key facts. I’m getting my ducks in a row and serve papers by end of December. Anytime I think of staying my hear races and anytime I think of leaving I’m soo excited. Can’t believe I allowed this all this time

Great update @Spacemoonpf1 x

If you need full phone transparency then your marriage is already dead. I’d leave now.

Well, YANBU for wanting transparency, but YABU for not hoofing him out the door some time ago! Sounds like he's been taking the piss for years! Get your pride back, get rid of him and move on.
It ISN'T what men do, it's what arseholes do.

I’m sorry you have tolerated a lot and that you grew up believing all men are like this. They really aren’t. Your husband cheated on his stag so with a prostitute - I mean it’s bananas to me that anyone would behave like this - but that was the time to chuck him. What you need isn’t phone transparency - you need a divorce.

there are wonderful men out there. I know this for a fact because I have one.

That sounds like an awful way to live op, and it’s destroying you slowly. You deserve so much better than this.

My question is: Is it unreasonable to expect full phone transparency after repeated broken trust and deleted messages?

Wrong question.

The one you need to ask yourself is "what is the point of a relationship where there is such an absence of trust that you need to remove any pretence of privacy".

He can easily get another phone for shenanigans.

I don't think you have anxiety issues. I think you're married to someone who's absolutely untrustworthy and you're trying to persuade yourself that he won't cheat. But cheating is his default setting. You deserve so much better than this.

You already know you can’t trust him. He sleeps with prostitutes and probably anything that will have him.
You would likely be much less anxious and much happier if you divorced the revolting lying, untrustworthy cheat.

The fact you feel the need you need to look at his phone to check he is not up to something says enough. Checking his phone proves nothing, he might have a second phone, or delete all messages. You don’t need to see anything more to prove what you already know. You don’t/can’t trust him. His behaviour has caused this.

You either stay and accept it, or you don’t.

you don’t need to see his phone, you need to divorce him

Phone transparency wont fix this. He'll either delete them before you can see them or he'll get a burner phone which he will hide and you wont be able to see that.

The issue here is that your husband is a piece of shit. I am sorry but you need to get rid of him, this will only end in misery for you.

I don’t understand why you’re still with him, sorry.
Slept with a prostitute? Jesus.

Fucking hell.

You want phone transparency, he'll give it to you, just not on the burner phone he'll gets so he can continue cheating. And you still won't have any trust in your marriage, so nothing will change.

Why the fuck are you putting up with this sleazebag? You do know there are men out there who don't act like this and you are well-deserving of one of them?

Me and DP trust each other completely as well, but I have absolutely no access to her phone and she has none to mine. I consider my phone at extension of my brain at this point, and I don't want anyone else rooting around in there, not even DP.

All this is irrelevant to your situation @Spacemoonpf1 though. Accessing your husband's phone isn't going to help you. Leaving the bell end is.

I don’t think phone transparency is the answer. I have never asked to see DH’s phone, other than to look at pictures he has taken. If you don’t trust someone enough to not need to check their phone (and you have very good reason not to trust him) then the relationship is only going to make you miserable. Particularly (as in your case) when your partner doesn’t even want to try to win your trust back.

Sorry @Spacemoonpf1 you are unreasonable because you are still with him.

He is emotionally abusive and untrustworthy and keeps doing it because he knows he can. He has no respect for you.

with your emotional and mental health - you would be so much better if you ditched him. What other reason do you have to stay??

On the other hand, marriage isn't a prison, or one of the people involved doesn't revert back into
a child to have their privacy policed. You are entitled to your personal space and things, which a phone would be.