To be a very poor parent to two children

[snowyfoxes]

I have two children and when I have one I’d say I generally really enjoy them, being their mum, doing things tailored for them.

When I have both it’s a different story. They fight a lot and vie for my attention. Normal I’m sure but I don’t cope with it well. I get stressed and overwhelmed. I know my eldest bears the brunt of it as I somehow expect more from him (and he’s only five) he’s constantly being told off.

I didn’t realise how having two children would compromise the relationship with both and I am not sure I’d make the same decision if I could go back in time and never ‘know’ dc2, if that makes sense.

It is a source of regret. I can’t say otherwise. I know neither of them have me at my best.

YANBU, of course. People will say that it's worth it because your kids will have one another but there's certainly no guarantees when it comes to family relationships.

I appreciate seeing stories like yours as often people who are one and done are 'encouraged' to have a second, for the first child's sake, with this idea that you won't ever regret the child you have.

In reality there are quite a lot of parents who regret having had their child or children, and it's not uncommon in the slightest to hear parents say that they wish they'd stopped at one, or they're not able to be the kind of parent they want to be to both. And that their eldest is missing out now, and the youngest getting a 'worse' version of their parent than the eldest got when they were the only child.

You're not alone and this isn't uncommon at all, and talking about it helps other parents to make their own decisions. Parenting is hard work and although some parents can be a fantastic parent to two or more, others recognise that the resources they have (whether mental, physical, financial, time etc.) can either mean a great childhood for one or an okay one for two.

DH and I are one of five and one of four respectively and both wish we'd been only children as our parents were so stretched to the limit with so many kids, our childhoods were really difficult in many ways. It's made us much more confident in our decision to stop at one and be the best parents we can be as we know we wouldn't be anywhere near as good a parent to two.

So of course YANBU. I can't imagine many will say YABU.

I far preferred just having one child. It was SO much easier as a parent. And able to enjoy parenting without being burnt out by the constant negotiations, peace keeping and everything that goes with having an addition child. I adored my eldest for the 6 years it was just us. I don’t enjoy parenting much at all anymore, with 2. I’m always cross / stressed.
BUT my DC love having eachother and looking back, eldest was bored being the only child. They occupy eachother and have such an incredible bond.

YANBU

It's worth accessing resources to help you be less triggered. How to talk so little kids will listen is a fantastic book, and Sibling rivalry would be another good read

Thanks for replying. It’s so hard as I do love them both but life with them both is pretty unbearable to be honest and I don’t really see this changing, although it will shift and alter.

I’ve read it; I didn’t find it very helpful to be honest. But I know a lot of people do.

I feel exactly the same OP. I just find the being dragged in two different directions so overwhelming, and mine don't even get on particularly badly.

I am a better parent to one child at a time, I think surely most parents must be. It is so much easier to be child-focused and give them your full attention when there's just one. But we can work with it as I had a decent gap between dcs, and dc1 had almost started school when dc2 was born, and DH is very present (home by 5.30pm and with us all weekend), and dc1 likes her after-school and holiday clubs, so I only have short bursts when I'm actually dealing with 2 on my own. If your eldest is 5 I would be using after school and holiday classes as much as possible to keep him busy and then you can just deal with the younger one.

That doesn’t sit easily with me though @Glenmate - he’s already missed out on a lot and effectively sending him away most of the time seems horrible. He’s not even five, and his time with his mum has ended because I had another child?

This is a really thoughtful post.

My husband was one of four boys and his parents were really stretched - emotionally as well as practically. His mum couldn’t cope and screamed at them when frustrated.

Now they are grandparents we still hardly get a look in as all 4 boys have families. I was one of two and when I tell him the things my parents did, I can see he gets a bit sad because I had so much attention.

We are one and done. We both just want to make a really good job of it. I

imagine we would struggle with two - you have my sympathies. But you aren’t a bad mum. I know a lot of people who struggle now they have 2.

It’s horrible because it’s just a constant source of guilt. I also feel bad because I see other mums with two children and they don’t seem to struggle. It just feels like I have nine children not two at times.

Finances are a big one. Ds could be at private school, he could have had the most amazing year before school started. I do feel sad we missed out on that, four is a lovely age but I haven’t enjoyed him being four as all my resources go on the younger one.

Big hugs @snowyfoxes
you’re in the thick of it right now. It definitely does get easier though. My two get on much better at 9 & 10, than they did 4/5 5/6 and so on.

hang in there.

I hope so @Nananaaaas but honestly I feel like it’s just going to be constant bickering, squabbling, being pulled every which way. I don’t doubt that there will be nice moments but it feels very bleak just now. Like even things that should be nice won’t be because they’ll just scream and argue and cry.

I recognise what your are describing. I I have two with a small age gap. They both want my attention when it’s just me and it’s hard on both of them.

For me sometimes it’s rough going and other times it’s lovely. Yes I do have to remind myself to be chill because kids get stressed and act out when you’re stressed. If I notice them playing nicely together or sharing etc I lavish them with praise and affection. I do not police small squabbles between them. I actually don’t expect more from my older one because the gap is too small for that to be fair. Most importantly my husband is quite happy for me to get time to recharge myself so I can be more patient around them. You can’t pour from an empty cup really sums up parenting for me.

This is going to sound a bit crap...but I find chatgpt quite good for things like this. I'd be asking for strategies to prevent and diffuse and manage arguments between siblings, giving their ages, and examples of situations that you know lead to arguments. I also think it will be very very different in another 18 months

I hope so. I don’t think there’s much way to stop them arguing at the moment; they are either silly and screamy or the younger one just wants everything the older one has got and screams the place down if doesn’t get it.

If will be different in 18 months but I’ve kind of lost hope it will be better. Just same shit older kids! My main sadness is how lovely they are alone and how much I’d have loved parenting just one of them.

Having two is the trenches. I’ve had to put things in place to manage them when they’re together. It was a nightmare!

As the eldest child. Stop taking it out oh the eldest child. They don’t forget.

I know and that’s the problem, isn’t it? I could have had one happy child and I feel I’ve got two unhappy ones but their behaviour together is borderline unmanageable.

I think what you're describing is perfectly normal.

You can't stop age appropriate behaviours, and they're both going to want your attention, and you know that.

The thing is your children don't need you at your best, they need you at your most regulated.

You being regulated means better coregulation for them when they are fighting, bickering, climbing the walls and being willful little boundary pushers.

You might benefit from things like loop earplugs, or ear defenders. They don't totally block noise out, but when kids are loud or argumentative, it just takes some of that buzz away, and it also gives a visual cue to the kids that they need to be quiet. This is one I use at home. I put my ear defenders on, I cross my arms and give my sternest Paddington bear stare, and I don't talk or take any action until it has calmed down.

If it extends to physical or harmful behaviour, I pick up that child and I take them to a corner and I say if you hurt me/them/us, then you can't be near us. Rinse and repeat. Ear defenders still on because I'm not about to get overwhelmed with any tears or screaming. It's just a consequence of the actions.

My mum used less conventional methods, but they still worked. She used the talking stick. Whoever held it could talk. When chaos descended we got stuck on the sofa with a plastic envelope that had paper and crayons, seated at opposite ends, while she took herself off into the kitchen for 5 minutes.

Ultimately, you don't have to copy any of my suggestions, the important thing is finding something that works for you, that doesn't resort to shouting, it isn't targeted at either of your children, and it just breaks that cycle instantly so you can get a moment to get your head straight.

What's the age gap? I felt like this until fairly recently but now the younger one can talk properly it's starting to feel like the three of us together is a kind of 'unit' and the DC play together a lot, mostly peacefully (eldest is 5, they're 2y4mo apart). I can even do something else briefly while they're playing and they're not constantly demanding my attention. I've also got really good at coaching them through taking turns, asserting my own boundaries (no you can't both climb all over me at once) and marshalling disagreements. I felt like it was rough on DC 1 for the first year or so especially because DC2 was very clingy with me and cried a lot so I was constantly stressed, but it's got so much better in the last few months. I really make a point of praising when they do things nicely together or when the older one helps the younger one to do something and they really do seem to feel like a team now.

Agree with this. Especially if it's the younger one who is the worst behaved.

Op, all of us with more than 1(not saying 1 child isn't difficult but for this conversation) really bloody struggle. Whether we show it on social media or to friends/family is a different story. My kids are 6 & 8, and the arguments drive me up the wall some days. When my youngest was 5 she screamed at her brother.... He was breathing too loudly. She actually asked me to make him stop, breathing.

A solid routine can help, so like in the evening when the youngest is in bed/with your partner (not sure on dynamics) you sit with dc1 and read, play a board game, play their favourite toys etc. always apologise when you shout unnecessarily and explain that you shouldn't have, and what you'll do next time to not do that. It's what we expect/want from children so I personally think it's fair for us to do in return.

Is your partner helping enough? Can he also make time for 1to1 with eldest to give you time with the youngest too. You have to stomp out any sibling favouritism (like giving in to the youngest for a simple life or whatever, not sure if it happens but just saying) and also remind both kids that they're both equally important and you care about their needs and wants equally. I'm a single mum now(always was essentially anyway) and there's some days I just sit in a dark room and cry. But, thankfully they're few and far between now. Grounding by touching a cold surface is good, taking 5 deep breaths before you continue the conversation is also good(helps you to not shout, been there myself not judging!).

If your eldest is well behaved and youngest isn't, start praising your eldest more in front of the youngest and just ignore them when they're being bad for attention. Any hitting, move them away and carry on with eldest. Eventually the youngest will realise you're serious about that (but this does depend on age obviously) and that the only way to get attention is by being well behaved (I do not mean literally deprive your child before anyone comes for me haha). Even a reward chart with a guaranteed treat (could be anything big or small) could help. Nursery would be good to prepare for reception if you're not planning on home schooling. It isn't punishment, eldest will probably be relieved to get away from youngest for a couple of hours and then have a happy calm mummy to come home to!

I understand what you're saying. Most parents of multiples enjoy time one on one- of course it's easier having one at a time for short bursts than 2 small children. And I often feel the same about my eldest- he's 5 too and did definitely miss out on some things.

But I also see how much he's gained by having siblings. How much they miss each other when not there. How much fun they have together, always having a playmate. I'm an only child myself and could never have done that to a child. As an only child, I've never met another only child who hasn't admitted longing for siblings.

It's hard now but won't be forever. Having one is easier and yes they get more adult time and money spent on them but I'm not sure that always equals a happier person.

Read 'Siblings Without Rivalry'.

Basically you want it to be those 2 vs you. They should be the close team and you the parent. Then you'll get some time to just watch them.

Even if you do nothing, it will definitely get better soon. Youre in the worst bit now.

Especially so, my mum can’t get her head around our broken relationship.