To make DD buy her own lunches?

[Thailandherewecome]

DD is in the first year of 6th form. Currently I pay for her train pass and give her £25 a week for lunch. DD complains frequently that this is not enough but can’t be bothered to make lunch to take with her to make the money go further.

She has finally managed to get a part time job and if all goes well should take home >£500 a month which is obviously wonderful for her.

Would I be unreasonable to continue buying the train pass but ask her to get her own lunch? my reasoning being is that she need to learn the value of money and making choices how you spend it (she is currently terrible with money and will spend it the second she has it). Obviously she is still very welcome to take lunch from home if she doesn’t want to waste her money.

If it makes any difference £500 is a lot more disposable income than I currently have left each month.

Or am I being really mean?

Nope not unreasonable at all. This is how you teach them. Otherwise they fly the nest, never having had to budget because they've always had the safety net of you buying the essentials and they crash and burn because they just don't know how.

Also agree with this.

I would offer the £25 as long as she puts at least £25 a week in a savings account, one that isn't instant access.

It's all part of growing up isn't it? You do need to teach her that buying ready-to-eat food isn't a good choice (financial, health and environmental).

Tell her that packed lunches are much better all round, and eating out or buying a meal deal is a once a week treat that needs to be budgeted for - you could reduce her £25 to £10 for example, and she comes with you to the supermarket each week to choose packed lunch ingredients, and makes time each evening to make them herself.

And then of course with her own money now she's earning, she can grab a 5 Guys or a takeaway curry any time she likes!

I think YANBU, and it’s extremely important she learns the value of money, even £5/day. But don’t envy or compare your take home to hers (that’s not fair to her), instead do guide her on saving and financial literacy. I wish my mother had done this rather than constantly complain when me and my siblings started working alongside school, telling us we had to start earning our way/paying her back (for parenting?!).

Also, do make sure the food you are providing for packed lunches is healthy and worthwhile. My mother only ever provided us rock hard cheap muesli bars and cheap bread that became soggy & squashed by the time you buttered it (let alone surviving until lunch). And unripe fruit. Occasionally a cheap rice crispee or similar. This was meant to get us through from 6:30am until 7pm. Then she complained that we wouldn’t eat enough. We were always so hungry as kids, and it did affect stamina at school. She packed herself a much nicer lunch with flatbreads, dips, vine leaves, chocolate, etc, and meals out.

I guess my point is make sure you’re actually teaching the lesson you intend to teach, rather than another one.

I would try to get her to open a savings account with the intention of saving 400 per month and having 100 to spend. I would still pay the train pass and the 25 lunch money because I would not want her to feel penalised for the job and I would want her to build savings.

Also, it might be a good idea to sit down with her and go through the monthly budget one day, spelling out every expense you incur from council tax to fuel through to subscriptions. That would help her gain perspective of her earnings, and the difference between responsible spending and disposable income.

I pay for my 6th formers bus pass and she can put whatever she wants on the grocery list for packed lunches. If she wants extra treats when she leaves campus at lunchtime and goes to the local shop, she funds that from her own babysitting money.

I don’t think you should withdraw her lunch money just because she now has a job. This feels like a punishment to me and I think she could resent it.

I personally would be worried that she’s doing TOO many hours… assuming she’s on minimum wage, that’s 16 hours per week!

£25 is loads! Meal deals are less than £5. If she wants to spend more than that she absolutely needs to pay for it herself.

I actually don’t think compromise here. You’re already giving her plenty for lunch! £5 per day is a lot and options from home.
I say don’t compromise because it’s better her realising now it’s ’just x per day’ and thinking it’s nothing. The transition to uni student or real working adult is going to be a lot harder without her understanding now that it’s not always viable to spend that kind of cash on lunch and it’s a luxury x

As long as you’re buying food for the home that she has the ability to take with her I see no issue with saying that if she wants to buy food instead, that’s on her.

You’ve said yourself she doesn’t take food from home because she can’t be bothered, if she now has to pay for this junk food every day herself I can guarantee she’ll think twice about how much she’s spending.

You will be teaching her the value of money, encourage her to stop being lazy and probably bettering her diet.

I think you have been overly generous to give your DD £5 a day for lunches when there is food at home to take, she just can’t be bothered to take it. There is no way I would do this, nor did my parents.

Can you perhaps give her £5 on a Friday for her lunch and put £20 into a savings account for her… maybe give it to her on her 18th birthday to pay for driving lessons or something?

I made DS1's lunch for him before he went to uni and will make DS2's lunch until he has finished A Levels. I make my own, so am happy to do theirs at the same time.

Yeah, she should spend her wages on lunches out/cafes or supermarket supplies to make lunches. If she refuses the bread/sandwich fillings supplied at home to be shared.

Definitely not mean. It's an important lesson, and sounds like it needs to be learned now tbh.

When dd1 was at sixth form I gave her the choice of making her own packed lunch with food I would gladly provide, or using her own £ to buy lunch. She didn't spend on much else but generally chose to buy a meal deal for her lunches.

Dd2 is now in second year of 6th form. Completely different character, wealthier friends, much more entitled attitude imho. But the same rule applies - make a packed lunch here, or use your own money. I can't afford to buy lunch out every day (and even if I could, I'm working for that money and can choose what to spend it on). Dd2 chooses the packed lunch option because she has a Vinted habit to feed 😁.

Now is the time to get on top of this! We all want to be able to give our kids everything they want, but it doesn't do them any favours and lately I've been thinking I'm actually glad I couldn't, dd2 in particular would be insufferable I think.

Imo, paying for train fares, providing food for lunches/thinking about what they might like = part of the job. Providing hundreds of pounds a month for them to spaff on food = personal choice. But not without risks, esp if she's already inclined to be entitled.

The point though is not whether it’s reasonable to pay for lunch per se (as opposed to a home packed lunch) but whether it’s reasonable for OP to withdraw that money that was previously freely given, on the basis that the daughter now has a job.

If she takes a packed lunch once a week then she can spend £10 one day and £5 on the other 3 days.

A fiver a day is only stingy if you’re expecting to go to a fast food shop or coffee shop. My son went for supermarket meal deals, packed lunch or canteen lunches and had enough for some fun or subsidised hot chocolate/coffee at college. He took water from home or drank his meal deal drink.

Not at all. My DS is the same age and pays for his food himself. There's the odd day he comes home for lunch when he has a couple of free sessions but the other days he'll grab a meal deal or a greggs. His part time job pays rubbish, usually gets £70 to £100 a week but he manages fine. Ive got another child at high school and school dinners become rather expensive with multiple children.

Does she go to college Monday - Friday? I’d find out how much the college meal deals are and give her that each day.
If she wants breakfasts and drinks then she can either eat at home and then take a bottle of water or whatever with her, or that equates as an extra and she can pay for those. I think that’s a fair compromise.

I think £5 a day for lunch is fine. I'd continue to just give her that and if she wants more she can pay it herself.

This.

Posters are constantly recommending “if they want that new top/game/shoes they should get a part time job”. Working part time whilst still in school is a tough thing for a 16 year old. Getting a job at that age is to buy the things they want, not to pay for their own lunch. She’s still a child.

I add £20 a month to my DD’s school meal account. She generally gets canteen food on a Friday and a few snacks a week. With a packed lunch / snacks/ drinks from home as standard day to day .

honestly I think £5 every day is really excessive if you are buying plenty of packed lunch foods in the weekly shop that she can prepare and take with her.

I don’t buy a lunch every day as that would be really expensive and isn’t ’real life’ for many people. I pack my own lunch and see buying a lunch / meal deal as an occasional thing.

Could you compromise and give £20 or £30 per month, for the odd drink/snack , and ensure to buy the things she likes in the weekly shop - to encourage her to pack her own lunch / drinks / snacks as standard?

defo still give travel money.

im guessing she will start to see the value of a packed lunch if she has to pay £5 out of her own money every day!

Whilst at school/Sixth Form I paid for lunches £25 per week. If your DD gets a job she should not be penalised for it.