WWYD?

[JungAtHeart]

Sorry this is a bit long and a bit of a moral dilemma 🤦🏼‍♀️

A friend asked me to help them move house. They don’t drive and wanted me to hire a van, drive to their home (100ish miles), help load the van and then drive to their new home (200 miles) and then back to the van hire (80 miles). I knew this would take up my entire day but agreed nonetheless - they priced a man with a van, removals etc and it was expensive! They paid for the rental and insurance. It was extra for unlimited mileage which I told my friend about but it was charged to my debit card on the collection day along with a £200 deposit.

Shortly after I arrived at the first property, the van broke down. Literally stopped working 🤦🏼‍♀️ so we had a van full of my friends entire life, the keys having been given back for their old home and no way of getting to the new place.

What followed was hours and hours of waiting, horrible stress, worry and negotiation. By me. Obviously the entire booking was in my name so only I could deal with it. The upshot was that the van and contents and friend were eventually relayed to the new home by a recovery truck and I was dropped to the train station to take the train home. The friend did not pay my train fare.

To date my friend has not checked how I am, acknowledged the stress/work/expense helping them may have caused me.

I am now in negotiations to have my deposit refunded and receive a refund for the booking. If I am successful, who should have the refund? The friend has already stated that they will be calling the company and asking for their money back. Due to data protection I doubt they will discuss it with them however.

YANBU - you did all the work, negotiating, calls. You earned it.
YABU - After your expenses are paid and your deposit is refunded the remainder belongs to your friend! They lucked out getting to move for free

Speaking as someone who has broken down in trying situations myself, I would never expect someone to "check in on me" and ask how I was doing. It isn't a traumatic experience. It is a hassle, yes, and eats up a fair bit of time, but that's about it. I feel you may be making more of this than needs to be.

You paid for it. You get the refund. Your friend got what she asked for - which is: you, delivering her stuff. At a fraction of the cost of a removal company. You get the compensation for your wasted time, hassle and stress. You lose nothing except a shit friend by telling her this very bluntly if she doesn't understand it.

Keep it!
She paid for a service and ultimately got it. You were hugely inconvenienced so get the money to compensate for that. Has she mentioned a refund? I just wouldn’t tell her. It will make you feel better about the whole situation!

You could both be women and it be romantic

But this to me doesnt read like a "woman's woman" a friend asked for a favour, which was a PITA but you agreed.

She expected to pay for the full amount of the van. There was a van breakdown on the day she was moving 200miles away, her new place isnt home yet and she couldnt get in her old one. She was likely panicked and stressed. And again she probably, thought you were the calm detached one. Maybe that was inconsiderate, but she isnt a mind reader. So talk to her.

Reimbursement is a refund for a service you paid for and didnt get. So if there is a refund you paid a £200 deposit, you should get that. Although if it was just a holding charge, because they paid the rest you might want to check you ever paid it? When i put a card down and its not the card i booked under the money comes back to the holding card like it does with prepay at the petrol station. The rest they should get (you already said it was expensive so would you really think keeping a large amount of money she paid?) Tbh i cant believe if you go through the small print there isnt a clause in the contract that says what happens if their vehicles break down.

You say she got what she wanted.. well so did you to help her and get home. Both of you got it in less ideal circumstances.

Either she got what she wanted in which case theres no refund needed. And you should tell her she hurt you feelings, ask for the deposit money and the train money.

Or it was a massive inconvenience, service was subpar and a refund is suitable, whereby you should each get what you paid and she should be asked to pay for your train from her share.

I cant fathom why youd think you agreeing to help her is her fault, why the broke down van means you should get a full refund - youve said yourself they got their stuff there. Why if there is a refund you think youre entitled to it all because in her panic she overlooked you had a stressful day too?

WWID? Id read the T&Cs, id persue a refund partial or full if T&Cs suggested it was possible. Then id tell my friend that I got it, I was keeping my £200 (if it left my account) and that youd give them the rest less the train fair. Id also tell her she hurt my feelings not checking in and expect shed be mortified about and apologise and we would all move on.

Of course I reached out to her to check how she is doing. The night that it happened and this week too.

I am fully aware that women can be romantically involved 🙄 the reason that I said we are both women and there is nothing romantic is because a commenter asked me. What is your gender? Is there any expectation of romance …

I’m going to stop commenting on this now. I find it really interesting that the majority of the people that have gone to the trouble to comment are part of the 37% who believe I’m unreasonable and an awful thief for even questioning what should happen
in the event of a hypothetical refund. They obviously believe I’m unreasonable for daring to question the morality of someone not giving a toss about the inconvenience, stress, financial hardship and time that they may have caused to someone just because they agreed to help them. Yes she may have been stressed because she was moving house … but I carried all that stress in dealing with the hire company, the accident management company and the recovery/relay services. It was much. Mitch more than just a phone call and waiting. I wish it had been that straightforward! The least I would have done, had the boot been on the other foot, is checked in to see that the person who prioritised me, my belongings and my convenience got home safely and wasn’t out of pocket.
Thank you to all the rational, kind people who took the time to be reasonable and not sit in judgment of me because of a shitty situation I was in just because I agreed to help someone 💐

I feel like you should get some recompense for having paid and negotiated and been out of pocket, yeah. Seems morally right.

If I was the friend I would think great, we get a refund, that means I can give my friend something for her trouble. I agree she doesn't need to be refunded herself because she paid to move her stuff and indeed her stuff got moved.

She might well be thinking phew moving was so expensive thank goodness I get that money back. You can't make her prioritise you, and it's understandable if she doesn't, so just chalk it up.

I would check in with myself - why offer to do such a big favour if you think it's a bit much? Maybe it was just all the unexpected bits but it does feel like you sucked up a lot of costs and inconvenience and now you're annoyed she hasn't noticed. I'd be annoyed too but you could have been more vocal about not being out of pocket in the first place. Or when it came to get the train you could have turned to her and said "I'll need a single to X, do you want to buy it now or transfer the money to me now?"

Your friend got her stuff delivered in the end which is what she needed and the person who was inconvenienced by the breakdown was you.
I would expect her to offer you the money tbh, not for you to have to ask. I would be loathe to so such big favours for people in future, a decent person wouldn’t have asked this from you in the first place.

If/when you get the refund I would definitely take out the additional costs you have incurred before refunding her. I would also point out that originally you thought this would take around 8 hours which you were prepared to do as a great favour to a close friend. In the end it took you over 12 hours ( or whatever it actually took) and was an incredibly stressful day for you. I would point out that her belongings were delivered without any personal inconvenience to her, so bearing in mind how much extra effort you had incurred you had expected her to tell you to keep the money or at least buy you a bottle of wine/take you out for a meal.

I mean the “friendship” is over now already presumably, so you may as well point out that’s now how decent people act. She will probably block you, but it may help the next doormat she comes into contact with.

I think the lesson here is possibly if you’re doing favours, the expectation is that the person you are helping also takes on at least 50% of the effort. She seems to have you confused with Bert the professional moving man, or her Mum.

I put YABU to keep all the money,

But I think your friend hasn’t treated you well when you did a lovely thing to support them! It sounds like an awful stressful day all round, and your friend is definitely the more unreasonable here!

The fact they were trying to dispute the mileage charge is shocking!

Give them the refund minus your costs including any extra charges or train ticket.

Then maybe talk to your friend about it, I’d be questioning the friendship though!

Actually reading this it doesn’t actually say a full refund has been offered or received. I suspect they may only offer a partial refund and that’s when the dilemma starts surely. Who gets how much of the partial refund? The OP needs to take any of the money that is actually hers but that may mean the OPs friend gets nothing.

You said "No. There’s nothing romantic at all. We’re both women." Like the fact youre both women explains that there isnt anything romantic. Theres nothing romantic would have been an answer on its own

Im a woman too. Not really sure where your going with your "is there an expectation of romance..." bit 🤷🏼‍♀️

I voted YABU. You've been put through so much hassle, I think it's dreadful that she hasn't been in touch or got you a gift (might she have some flowers or something online coming via post to you?) But I don't think you should keep the money no.

You cant ask AIBU and then complain youre getting judgment because thats what AIBU is, other MNs pass judgement on a scenario you pose. And it isnt irrational or unkind to disagree with you.

She did get what she bargained for, to move her stuff, but you got what you bargained for which was to help her.

I understand you feel underappreciated and absolutely think you should talk to her about how stressful you found it and how she overlooked it. And i dont think its even unreasonable to say you still haven't paid for the van deposit, and ask for the train fare.You shouldnt be out of pocket. And if the issue is she isnt appreciative enough, thats not your moral dilemma and pocketing a refund wont change the issue.

But two wrongs dont make a right and i do think its wrong to get a refund of money that isnt yours and keep it. Her misfortune shouldnt be your windfall.

I dont think anyone thinks you shouldnt get your £200 deposit or train fare. Helping her out shouldnt leave you financially out of pocket. And if youd done it for me id have bought you a gift or a dinner because you did give your time. But its not being a generous friend if you punish her for asking for a favour and taking it without giving you a gift or enougj attention. And if you push for and recieve a refund, you shouldnt profit from her money behind her back. You'd lose any moral ground.

I honestly think your hurt feelings and the money are 2 separate issues.

Okay. I’ll explain again. A commenter asked me what are your genders? And - are there any romantic expectations? I answered the twofold question. We are both women and no there are no romantic expectations. I didn’t insinuate there were not romantic expectations because we’re both women and I stated our genders because I was asked … does that make sense now?

If the booking is in your name the refund will come to you on your card. Take out the cost of your train fare & give them the remaining balance. Explain this to them when you send the money over & say you hope they've settled in after ALL OF THAT STRESS! They may have too much on their mind to thank you or refund you or are waiting on the refund to reimburse you your train fare. either way just deduct the cost from the refund & send them the rest.