WWYD?

[JungAtHeart]

Sorry this is a bit long and a bit of a moral dilemma 🤦🏼‍♀️

A friend asked me to help them move house. They don’t drive and wanted me to hire a van, drive to their home (100ish miles), help load the van and then drive to their new home (200 miles) and then back to the van hire (80 miles). I knew this would take up my entire day but agreed nonetheless - they priced a man with a van, removals etc and it was expensive! They paid for the rental and insurance. It was extra for unlimited mileage which I told my friend about but it was charged to my debit card on the collection day along with a £200 deposit.

Shortly after I arrived at the first property, the van broke down. Literally stopped working 🤦🏼‍♀️ so we had a van full of my friends entire life, the keys having been given back for their old home and no way of getting to the new place.

What followed was hours and hours of waiting, horrible stress, worry and negotiation. By me. Obviously the entire booking was in my name so only I could deal with it. The upshot was that the van and contents and friend were eventually relayed to the new home by a recovery truck and I was dropped to the train station to take the train home. The friend did not pay my train fare.

To date my friend has not checked how I am, acknowledged the stress/work/expense helping them may have caused me.

I am now in negotiations to have my deposit refunded and receive a refund for the booking. If I am successful, who should have the refund? The friend has already stated that they will be calling the company and asking for their money back. Due to data protection I doubt they will discuss it with them however.

YANBU - you did all the work, negotiating, calls. You earned it.
YABU - After your expenses are paid and your deposit is refunded the remainder belongs to your friend! They lucked out getting to move for free

I’d take the money - they are a CF and won’t offer you a penny

I think youre massively over reacting. A hired van broke down... it must happen all the time. You rang becuase it was in your name, they sent recovery. Your friend could have, and should have checked in - but probably she was stressed too not knowing what this would mean for getting their stuff home and has just forgotten. Or wrongly assumed it was her move day, her worrying about her things broken down in the road and the general stress of moving she was more stressed and hasnt been as considerate as she should.

They didnt do this on purpose and they didnt make yoh handle it, as the one with the driving licence unfortunately it had to be your card and therefore you making the calls.

And you didnt need to do this favour but you did and now are blaming them because you were inconvenienced as were they.

You defo shouldnt be out of pocket. I dont know why youre thinking of stealing from your friend because you made some phone calls and caught a train so youre entitled to it?

And tbh the voting thing.. I was initially confused because you said both they paid and it was on your card. Any money, you paid you should get back, and any money they paid they should get back less any additional costs you incurred.

Goodness, I'm wondering who the CF is here! No you can't keep her money. What a thing to suggest! You take only what your owed and no more.

The van breaking down was nobodies fault but the hire companies and the fact you agreed to all this makes the fact you had to sort it not your friends problem!

You aren't entitled to her refund no. I thinks she should have paid your train fair back though and apologized and acknowledged what a stress it was at the very least. I probably would have got you a gift to say thank you.

Yes I find it upsetting too how this "friend" hasn't even asked how her dear helpful friend is, since the distressing incident, even to this day 😥

I'm so sorry that your friend hasn't even bothered to check how you are since - Following everything you did to help your friend 😢Maybe they're too embarrassed to bring it up, & /or acknowledge what you went through, because you wouldn't have gone through so much stress, if she/he hadn't requested your noble help
Thinking of you & I'm praying you find the words to express your disappointment with this whole experience 🫂

Thank you so much for your kindness. I wasn’t planning to ‘steal’ the money that my friend paid to hire the van. It just seemed like a grey area … the only reason any refund will be paid is if I manage to negotiate it. She did 💯 get what she paid for … her belongings to be moved from A to B because I insisted on it. It just took a little bit longer than intended.

How is it a grey area? She paid for a service. The service was unreliable. A refund was negotiated. Its her refund.

Dont negotiate for it if you dont want to do the graft for it, you arent obliged to do it for her. And if thats means there isn't one so be it.

But dont negotiate a refund of her money and decide its yours. Thats full CF

Agree with this

So she should receive the full refund? She hasn’t lifted a finger to get it, she hasn’t checked if my security deposit has been refunded, she hasn’t checked in to see if I’m stressed being out of pocket and dealing with it … she did get what she paid for. Her belongings moved from A-B…I was totally wrong to agree to helping. I see that now. The likelihood is that I will be out of pocket for the deposit and train fare … a lesson for sure. The refund is hypothetical btw, the hire co haven’t actually agreed to it.

If you they don’t refund you should be sending a bill to your friend for the deposit and train fare. You should not be a cent out of pocket for the very kind favour you did for your friend.

You're most welcome original commenter 🤗I didn't for 1moment assume you wished for any of her money & confused why some would presume this 💚🤔💚What I find most upsetting is your friend not bothering to check how you are, offer at least to pay you back for the train fare, or even give acknowledgement for how stressful & draining the whole situation was 😢Personally I feel she/he does know how much you went through & sacrificed, she/he's just feeling embarrassment so wishing to sweep it under the carpet - In the hope it will just blow over - But of course ill feeling is the result, instead - Maybe you could try to express your disappointments to clear the air - Honestly don't feel you've anything to lose but it might open the door for your friend to stop living in denial of the upset & the honesty gives her a chance to save a good friendship - Because you've been a loyal friend & I'm sure she/he won't wish to lose you
💚🫂💚

Reading this made me shudder, remembering years ago how I helped a friend move miles away. She organised the brand new van hire and I similarly paid the deposit on my card. All furniture moved, as planned, and then when driving the van home alone in the early hours, after a seriously long day..... an uninsured drunk driver in a stolen van, smashed into the back of me on the motorway on the way home! Unbelievably scary and still can't believe how I managed to weave along from side to side and end up on the hard shoulder. I spent all night with the police, ambulance etc and was eventually taken home by a recovery vehicle,the brand new van having been written off .I then spent months battling with the hire company who tried (unsuccessfully) to take me to court for the excess. There was no real acknowledgement of the impact of all this or thanks from now ex friend either!! Just a horrible, horrible experience!!

I do see your point, and it’s a shitty situation. But you still can’t take money that she paid.

take the deposit and train fare, and money for snacks / food etc throughout the day, and give her the rest.

i would probably never talk to her again though.

how do you know her? And how long have you known her? Are you male or female? Just wondering if there’s any romantic expectations or expecting you to help with something she sees as a man’s job?

I would certainly make sure all your expenses are paid then I would refund the rest to your friend once she contacts you. If she can't be bothered to contact you why should you chase after her.

She should recieve her share of it.

You agreed to help her. Knowing it meant taking a degree of responsibility because you were the driver to do legally it had to be your card. But if this had gone as planned either she should have, as agreed, repaid you the deposit or if it was refunded it was yours and you should get that part.

I dont think its unreasonable to ask her for your train fare if you cant get it from the company. Or remind her if she owes you deposit money. But not more than that.

I genuinely dont get why youre this huffy and entitled over something you agreed to take responsibility for. And tbh most hire companies have a contact number for if their vehicle breaks down. They were stressed, with all their stuff in a van that might need to be taken to a garage with no way to transport their things and no way to reach their destination. They were probably stressing about what they would do. And Im not saying you werent stressed, but all you will have needed to do is call, report the breakdown and wait. You didnt need to worry about all your possessions being stranded at the roadside 200 miles from home. You made a call and waited.

But because they haven't asked about your hard time, you want to negotiate a return of their money and keep it? Why is your stress greater than theirs? Why would it entitle you to their refund? Why if its hurt your feelings that she hasnt asked haven't you told her?

Only to avoid bad blood going forward...give the money back, but don't do anything for them in the future. Avoid if needed, see how future plays out

No. There’s nothing romantic at all. We’re both women. I think I’m very much a woman’s woman and didn’t want to see a friend struggle as they don’t have a drivers license …

I have to say I'm a bit surprised at the responses. The refund is basically compensation for the inconvenience, the friend is not out of pocket, they got what they paid for. And you've both been inconvenienced, so surely you should split the compensation? You can't keep it all though.

I agree with you that your friend got what she needed which was her belongings transported from A to B.
The refund wasn't becase the hire company couldn't the provide a van and so you had to hire one from elsewhere, but it sounds like the refund is because of the stress and inconvenience as a rest of the van breaking down. This affected both of you, and it sounds like you were inconvenienced more? On that basis I would say that you should deduct the cost of the train ticket and split the remainded.

There is nothing grey about this area. You only paid for this on the basis that she was paying you.....which she did. You were effectively a broker between herself and the hire. If you wanted a brokers fee then you should have negotiated this before agreeing to anything.

Of course she should be eternally grateful and shower you with gifts but that is just about morals and principles.

Keeping her money would be nothing short of theft

I’m not sure what you mean about a ‘brokers fee’. I didn’t want one. I see in hindsight that it was a mistake for the deposit and the additional unlimited mileage fee be charged to my debit card …but I didn’t realise there would be charges until I went to collect the van.

I have never expected her to be ‘eternally grateful or shower me with gifts’, but an acknowledgment that a substantial amount of MY money has been tied up for a week now and I have needed to make countless calls and send emails to try to resolve this …all because I agreed to help her wouldn’t seem unreasonable.
Anyhow 64% of readers don’t think I’m not being unreasonable. I’ll take solace from that.

Payment for your time would be my view.

I would take the refund, and if friend asked for it back - I would transfer it, less the train ticket & probs just back off going forward. It was a stress for both of you but ultimately they got what they paid for. You, on the other hand, learned a hard lesson in why doing people favours can be more hassle than it’s worth.

I’m astounded you’re even asking this. No you should absolutely not take her money, only the costs you incurred. Also genuinely confused by the number of people on here saying you need to end the friendship.

A person is entitled to ask a friend for help if they need it, she did nothing wrong there. You agreed - this was very kind of you but you didn’t have to. The situation became more stressful than anticipated but that’s neither of your faults. Getting the money back is just an extension of the help you agreed to give her - the parameters of the situation changed but again that’s not her fault.

It sounds like the real issue is you feel under acknowledged for your efforts which is fair enough to an extent, but really, she probably hasn’t checked in because she’s just moved house and is incredibly stressed about that?! Has it occurred to you to reach out to her and ask her how she’s doing?