Always arguing with 19 year old, is it me?

[Mumfrazz]

I know this is not a terrible or unusual problem but I want things to get better and will try to be completely honest here as I genuinely need advice on how to change this situation.

I will say I think I am perimenopausal and I have a history of eating disorders which probably makes me extra critical of myself and maybe others.

Married for 2 decades, 2 girls both teens, eldest 18.

i work full time, do all housework, washing, change beds, grocery shopping, kids/school admin, drs, dentist appts m, Xmas present buying etc. DH does put bins out and washes up/loads dishwasher. He also picks up youngest from school as his work hours allow.

i just dealt with all the uni applications for eldest and I do some admin for her job and tax stuff. I generally help with anything she needs to do admin wise and my other daughter.

i do feel a bit of an overload with all this and I do feel a bit resentful at times towards DH, worse depending on time of month. I have asked for a bit more help from him but he actually makes it worse so I took the jobs back! I exercise a lot due to my ED and also intermittent fasting to maintain a weight I am happy with. I am aware this also may put a strain on me and my mood.

DD and I have struggled a bit since she was around 13 and covid hit, she wanted to go out with friends during lockdown and I wouldn’t allow , I feel like this was the beginning of our tumultuous relationship.

I am trying to step back a bit but I do find it hard not to say something if I think she isn’t prioritising things, like socialising too much instead of uni work etc. I think I should stop doing this.

she works part time and is learning to drive but DH and I give her lifts everywhere, not unusual I suppose. we still pay pocket money to put away own laundry and keep room tidy, but most of the time the room is a tip. Typical teenager I suppose, clothes and drinks bottles everywhere, even though she had a bin which I empty weekly. Sometimes to be nice I tidy for her and because I like it tidy, and need to hoover, she does appreciate and thanks me.

i feel a bit annoyed sometimes when she moan about there being no snacks she likes or cooking meals she likes etc, it annoys me that I get moaned at as I do all the shopping etc around my full time job.

she feels I criticise her and I feel she uses a rude tone with me.

we have a lot of arguments as I feel unappreciated and I do get quite easily triggered.

An example of a row we just had..

she has been ill this week and we had paracetamol, lemsips in cupboard and I bought her cough syrup and throat sweets. She went out ill overnight and then next day when she said the cough medicine was making her worse I said maybe it was going out all night that made her worse.
she asked for cold and flu tabs a few days ago and I admit I don’t offer to buy until today (other stuff, plumbing situation and work made me forget), I said I would get her day and night capsules as there is caffeine in the normal ones and she said , well it’s a bit late now anyway. I said there are medicines in the cupboard you could have taken if you felt that bad, she said no one takes those medicines because they are awful. Anyway it escalated into me feeling cristicised and her feeling attacked I suppose. She said something about me always having a go and being unhinged and I am always in the wrong as I always apologise to her after a row (I do but because I want it to end so I back down) Anyway, she walked out crying.

I sent her a text saying I don’t want to upset you but was just trying to discuss what medicine to get and felt attacked.

but you see it’s a trivial thing that leads to an argument and it’s a pattern I really want to break.

DH witnesses this and does not intervene ever, I think he thinks I am the issue, but I think he is a bit soft in them sometimes and should tell her to speak to me nicely. Or he’s a bit like ‘ugh girls and their hormones!’

i think the root is I feel like a skivvy, no one says thanks, in fact it’s the opposite and I get a complaint about giving the wrong nickers to someone or cooking the same thing too often. I feel very teary a lot of the time and also like I want to escape or lock myself away.

i am starting to feel like I have a mental/hormonal issue?

I guess maybe it’s a really common problem and not really that big a deal but I find these arguments so upsetting, I want to get on with her so much. I wish I didn’t get so angry and insulted and could just rise above it but in the moment I can’t bite my tongue and it escalates.

i need advise or maybe just to know we might grow through it

You haven't adjusted to parenting an adult. Either you want her to act like one and you treat her like one, or she's treated like a child and in turn will behave like one.

Pick your lane.

Kindly, you need to step back. Why on earth did you do the Uni applications? That's her job. Not yours.
Could she not buy her own cold tablets?
You are a hot and cold mix of doing too much and then being annoyed by ingratitude.
She's a fledgeling adult. Let her do more for herself.
Paying her to put her own laundry away is madness.
Fine to give pocket money but stop babying her.

You’ve got the classic blurred lines of an adult child who hasn’t flown the nest. You’re treating her like a child (doing her admin, giving her pocket money, driving her around) and she’s treating you like a parent (asking you to look after her when she’s sick etc).
But because she’s not a child, you’re both getting resentful. She resents you because you criticise her (being out all night is her decision - she’s an adult) and you because she takes you for granted (as she has done all her life until now, as children do).

Sounds like she’s going to uni next year - is she moving out? You both need space from each other. She needs to grow up and become independent from you, and you can live in blissful ignorance of what she gets up to. You’ll both me much happier.

You are treated like a skivvy because you are behaving like one. Why are you doing all the running round for 3 adults and a teenager?

Also, you are treating your DD like an 8 year old, so she is behaving like one. Treat her like an adult and expect higher standards.

Family meeting, assign chores and responsibilities. Everyone has a share of housework, cooking etc. Assign yourself the jobs that you cannot bear to be done to a standard that is lower than yours. If people do jobs to an entirely unacceptable standard then raise it politely at the time.

Your older DD is an adult so can do her own uni stuff and admin. You can help her if she asks. If she can't sort this out on her own, then she shouldn't be going to university.

"perks" such as lifts and the food the DC like are in return for behaving like reasonable human beings that live in the house. So they do their jobs (they do not get paid for them), or parental taxi service stops.

you are far too involved. why are you doing her uni applications, for eg? all teenagers can be hormonal, don't you remember? I just walk away and give them time to cool off / adjust to whatever they are feeling.

You are doing way too much. There are at least two other adults in the house - your DH and 19 yo DD. Family meeting, be honest about how you feel, and propose a plan. Eg It’s a total cop out to say that after your DH did some jobs badly you took them all back. Either accept he may not do them as well as you want them done and live with it, or explain how to do it (but even then, be open to the idea that you don’t have the only “right” way to do a chore). As for the wrong knickers in the wrong drawer, why are you sorting and putting away everyone’s laundry? I don’t subscribe to the view each person should do their own laundry, as that’s not very environmentally friendly, but in my house all clean laundry is piled on the master bed and everyone goes in and fishes out their own stuff to put away. Including 12 year old DS. Stop being a frustrated upset martyr and tell everyone else it is adult time.

You are very over involved.

ideally during the teenage years you step back and they do more for themselves.

they don’t appreciate what you do, no. You need to step back and give them independence.

stop doing laundry for them and set up a system they can use. Then it’s their problem.

if they want stuff they either add it to the shopping list or buy it themselves.

you are aiming to train them to be good housemates.

stop martyring yourself,

I wouldn't do most of that stuff for my 14 year old she wouldn't let me

As PP said, you are treating her like a child so she is acting like one.

In the example that you gave it sounds like she's been feeling a bit unwell and felt she waited too long for the capsules that she wanted?

Don't worry about it, she's 19 and I am pretty sure I was like that at 19. Can definitely remember my mother telling me that I'd miss her when she was gone - and she was right!

It will pass. I don't think you have done anything wrong nor has she.

I also agree you’re doing too much. Take a step back. Leave her to tidy her own room. If it’s a pigsty, so what?! You’re not living in it. If she doesn’t like what you’re cooking, buy ingredients she wants and let her cook herself. My 19 year old prefers to cook all her own meals. Why would you do her uni application? That’s really not your responsibility.
Being honest, from your post, I think you have more issues than just your daughter here, but you’re projecting those issues onto your daughter so you don’t have to admit the real issue, which is you doing everything and DH doing very little. It feels like you’re taking your anger out on her rather than him.

She’ll be off to Uni soon. Let it go. Things will change again. Most important thing now is her A levels.

Thanks for responses so far

Sorry just to correct my original post, she did do her uni applications, she switched last minute, was really ill (she had a bad allergic reaction that took two weeks to recover from)
I helped to sort out the change of enrolment as she was too ill to deal with
she is at uni but commuting now

It sounds like you are a perfectionist. You say yourself that you have little tolerance of how your DH does things. Being a perfectionist it is hard to hear criticism. It does sound as if you are stoking up a lot of these issues yourself, I agree with other posters. You need to step back from organising everyone.

Your title suggests the problem is DD, but it sounds like DH is actually more of a concern in terms of how little he does for the family and his passivity, which has led to you taking on too much and feeling resentful. I do agree with others that at 18-19 I would not be expecting these things from my mum.

You deserve a break and that might help your relationship with DD.

So she lives at home and will for the foreseeable future?

Why did she not want to move out to go to Uni?

My DC couldn’t wait to move out and move into Halls and they only turned 18 the August before they started in the September!

She chose to commute because of money, she didn’t want to pay for halls and she loves the part time job she has here

This.

You are allowing them all to take advantage of you. Your daughters need to become more independent (especially your eldest), and your husband needs to support you with this.

I think your daughter sounds like a very normal 18/19-year-old who is a bit stroppy and probably ready to fly the nest. It's a shame she's commuting to university as it sounds like she'd benefit from a bit more independence.

Ok, well for example I have my DD at home after uni as she is doing a gap year.

we are more like housemates.

i never go in her room. I don’t care if it’s tidy or not. Not my problem.

i don’t do her laundry. I don’t care if she has clean clothes to wear or not, not my problem. We have an agreement that if we want to put something in the washing machine and the other person has wet atiff in there we take it out and put it in an Ikea bag,

she has two cupboards and half the fridge in the kitchen and does her own food shopping. We eat breakfast and lunch separately but mostly have dinner together and there is a rota for who Cooks it.

you need to step back. If she’s doing uni from home then you are aiming for housemates type situation.

Your using quite emotive language: Trigger and attacked for basically a spar with your dd

I knew I would get honesty here! 😂

I needed it, and heres the message I am getting.

I need to step back, stop assuming responsibility for everything, I am being a martyr. ( I am a bit poor me)

I need to stop punishing myself and everyone else for not being perfect (I am setting everyone up to fail and this triggers me)

I need to ask for help/support with daily tasks to help them learn and help me cope

and also chill the F out

Things will go wrong, rooms will be messy, but lessons will be learned

But what's your thoughts on the unanimous opinion thay people have shared? Seems odd to come back and correct one thing but ignore the responses.

Cross post!!

I was digesting them all, and waiting for more, have responded now

I have a 19 year old dd too.... I totally get where you're coming from. We're very alike and have had lots of minor arguments recently. I'm a single mum, work full time, have a challenging ds13 and my dd's boyfriend lives with us. DD has recently started working full time and is doing an OU degree.

It's really hard! I have to do everything, and she bangs on about being an adult but doesn't behave like it. But I never clean her room and I don't do her laundry. Those are basic life skills! A couple of nights a week I stay at my boyfriends, while my son is at their dad's, and she looks after the dogs and cooks dinner. That bit of independence is really good for her.

What I did recently was have an afternoon out with just her. We only went shopping, I bought her a few bits as she desperately needed some clothes and despite working is feeling a bit skint as she started part way through the month. We laughed and chatted, and it has really helped! I forgot how much I like her, and what a great time we do have together.

I have really struggled with my adult son being home again (there are other issues!) and did a bit of a therapy to help me find a balance. The therapist said to me "You both want him to be treated as an adult, but that also means he has to act as an adult" - it might seem obvious but it was really powerful! She also pointed out that it was reasonable to expect another adult in the house to pull their weight and I felt that gave me permission to expect more.