Always arguing with 19 year old, is it me?

[Mumfrazz]

I know this is not a terrible or unusual problem but I want things to get better and will try to be completely honest here as I genuinely need advice on how to change this situation.

I will say I think I am perimenopausal and I have a history of eating disorders which probably makes me extra critical of myself and maybe others.

Married for 2 decades, 2 girls both teens, eldest 18.

i work full time, do all housework, washing, change beds, grocery shopping, kids/school admin, drs, dentist appts m, Xmas present buying etc. DH does put bins out and washes up/loads dishwasher. He also picks up youngest from school as his work hours allow.

i just dealt with all the uni applications for eldest and I do some admin for her job and tax stuff. I generally help with anything she needs to do admin wise and my other daughter.

i do feel a bit of an overload with all this and I do feel a bit resentful at times towards DH, worse depending on time of month. I have asked for a bit more help from him but he actually makes it worse so I took the jobs back! I exercise a lot due to my ED and also intermittent fasting to maintain a weight I am happy with. I am aware this also may put a strain on me and my mood.

DD and I have struggled a bit since she was around 13 and covid hit, she wanted to go out with friends during lockdown and I wouldn’t allow , I feel like this was the beginning of our tumultuous relationship.

I am trying to step back a bit but I do find it hard not to say something if I think she isn’t prioritising things, like socialising too much instead of uni work etc. I think I should stop doing this.

she works part time and is learning to drive but DH and I give her lifts everywhere, not unusual I suppose. we still pay pocket money to put away own laundry and keep room tidy, but most of the time the room is a tip. Typical teenager I suppose, clothes and drinks bottles everywhere, even though she had a bin which I empty weekly. Sometimes to be nice I tidy for her and because I like it tidy, and need to hoover, she does appreciate and thanks me.

i feel a bit annoyed sometimes when she moan about there being no snacks she likes or cooking meals she likes etc, it annoys me that I get moaned at as I do all the shopping etc around my full time job.

she feels I criticise her and I feel she uses a rude tone with me.

we have a lot of arguments as I feel unappreciated and I do get quite easily triggered.

An example of a row we just had..

she has been ill this week and we had paracetamol, lemsips in cupboard and I bought her cough syrup and throat sweets. She went out ill overnight and then next day when she said the cough medicine was making her worse I said maybe it was going out all night that made her worse.
she asked for cold and flu tabs a few days ago and I admit I don’t offer to buy until today (other stuff, plumbing situation and work made me forget), I said I would get her day and night capsules as there is caffeine in the normal ones and she said , well it’s a bit late now anyway. I said there are medicines in the cupboard you could have taken if you felt that bad, she said no one takes those medicines because they are awful. Anyway it escalated into me feeling cristicised and her feeling attacked I suppose. She said something about me always having a go and being unhinged and I am always in the wrong as I always apologise to her after a row (I do but because I want it to end so I back down) Anyway, she walked out crying.

I sent her a text saying I don’t want to upset you but was just trying to discuss what medicine to get and felt attacked.

but you see it’s a trivial thing that leads to an argument and it’s a pattern I really want to break.

DH witnesses this and does not intervene ever, I think he thinks I am the issue, but I think he is a bit soft in them sometimes and should tell her to speak to me nicely. Or he’s a bit like ‘ugh girls and their hormones!’

i think the root is I feel like a skivvy, no one says thanks, in fact it’s the opposite and I get a complaint about giving the wrong nickers to someone or cooking the same thing too often. I feel very teary a lot of the time and also like I want to escape or lock myself away.

i am starting to feel like I have a mental/hormonal issue?

I guess maybe it’s a really common problem and not really that big a deal but I find these arguments so upsetting, I want to get on with her so much. I wish I didn’t get so angry and insulted and could just rise above it but in the moment I can’t bite my tongue and it escalates.

i need advise or maybe just to know we might grow through it

Thank you, I was thinking I could do something just me and her like that, I think it could help to just hang out away from the house together.

Thing is, things already go wrong (meds get forgotten) and rooms are messy (hers) but by handing responsibility over you will teach skills and gain helpers, get respect and appreciation when you do stepping and and will also be less stressed and moody.

Also, see the GP for HRT!

Honestly, I couldn’t imagine my Uni age children living at home commuting. I am glad they love living away and are thriving. Both my DH and I moved away for Uni at 18 too.

It must be difficult. I don’t believe it’s just on you alone either. We still have to adapt when they are home and bite our tongues to keep the peace but it’s all a work in progress. It’s getting less and less as they get older.

Definitely take a step back and let her manage her own life more.

When my DC passed their driving test at 17 and a half years old (we had to rush it as they had A levels that same year) they became much more responsible too. Maybe your DD passing her driving test will help.

For the specific example you gave, I think it was quite poor to not get cold medicine the day that the sick person needed it. You didn’t have an actual cold medicine in the house that would offer relief from symptoms. Those usually have a decongestant/expectorant/cough suppressant/paracetamol combo and really help to knock the symptoms down and make you feel better. Offering to buy it days after the fact, when she no longer needed it and was recovering, probably felt deliberately antagonistic to her. Buy it so that you have it on hand in the future. Personally I’d apologise for not bothering to get it when needed. She doesn’t live alone and part of the benefit of living with others is having people to help you out when you’re ill or injured so that you can rest. That said, your useless husband could also have done it.

For the rest of it, loosen the reins a bit. Sometimes they just need to get on with it in their own way and you trying to pick up all the slack is only making you upset. Does she always need a ride? Can she make her own way sometimes? Can she get money for more reasonable things like cooking a dinner for everyone once a week? And remember that at this age, the less conversation or discussion about some of these things, the better. Plop the clean bedding on their beds and let them get on with it. Leave their laundry to them. They are old enough to do some things for themselves.

If you’re going to bicker and fight with someone I really think it ought to be your husband. In fact, I wonder if your frustration and resentment are mostly towards him but being projected onto your daughter now that she’s older.

We did have cold medicine, I mentioned, lemsip and paracetamol and I went out and got cough syrup and throat sweets, but she doesn’t like those ones.
It started as more cough throat and then congestion came after.

that said I just went to shops and forgot it again! 😂

back I go!

If she is well enough to go out she is well enough to get medication. Stop pandering to her and step back. She does her own washing, own admin, etc. You put in new boundaries that enable everyone to live together as adults. She pays her way. She needs freedom and responsibility and you need to help her get it. It is a hard transition but is possible.

You haven't adjusted to parenting an adult

Yeah, this. Try behaving towards her as you would if she happened to be a young adult lodger or relative staying with you. Which is essentially what she is now.

If she had gone to live in halls at uni she would have had to:

to clean her own room with out being asked
possibly clean her bathroom (if she was en suite)
do all her own laundry, including changing her bedding
shop and cook for herself
manage her own budget
do her own admin.

Other than the cooking, which might be more practically managed as a family she should be doing all the other things.

On the other hand:

She also wouldn't have to ask permission (or seek forgiveness or be judged) for going out.

She wouldn’t have anyone reminding her to wash her clothes, change her sheets or clean her room. She would have to do it, or leave it undone.

If you both work full time your DH should do half. Sit him down work out a list of responsibilities, don’t pick up the slack if he doesn’t do his.

I mean this kindly, but stop being such a wet lettuce - why are you apologising/backing down if you haven’t done anything wrong - you are modelling very poor conflict resolution to your daughters.

not the point, but i use uber eats for getting stuff we need that i CBA to go out for or don't have the time/energy. and when i was sick, using them for a quick shop from the local morrisons/sainsbo for medicine and tissues was a life saver.

If she is commuting, and able to go out, she's able to go to the shop and get her own medicine.

I can understand her not liking what was in the cupboard, we're all fussy, i will only use lemsip max sachets and halls soothers, whereas my 19yo is strictly a cold & flu tabs and aloe vera tissues kind of cold person, and another person in the house likes the Beechams All in one liquid (Which i can't take as it makes me throw up)

On the whole, you need to be setting her up for independence, and just be her safety net, not be doing it all for her!

I think this is such an important part of relationships with your kids. I never stopped ‘hanging out’ with mine, it just went from soft play and trips to the park to shopping, cafes, or a day out exploring.

Aside from doing far too much for a 19-year old, you don't mention dealing with her tone of voice when speaking to you. As long as you allow it, she will continue, and you will be showing that you have no self respect. My zero-tolerance technique was to say in a very calm voice that she had to repeat what she'd just said, paying attention to her tone. This phase lasted only a year or so and she rarely had to repeat anything more than once.

It’s a difficult balance between the hassle of getting help and just doing things yourself. There’s certainly some control issues because you want her to behave a certain way, but she’s an adult. You need to move from an authoritative relationship to a collaborative one. You’re also shooting yourself in the foot by taking on jobs and then being resentful about that. For example, your husband needs to be assigned some jobs and you need to be ok with them not being done how you do them. You can’t happily choose to control everything and then complain about it.

Instead of offering solutions for your daughter, you’re taking complaints as criticisms because you’ve assigned yourself as the cure-all and manager for everything in the house. I strongly believe teenagers need jobs, they need to buy their own snacks (beyond basics) and toiletries, and they need to manage their own schedules. By giving some of that responsibility over to them, you then relinquish more control about how they spend their money, manage their time and eat/drink. She’s coming to you to ask for guidance, responding with criticism or negativity will never end well.

I think you gave a DH problem. You seem to carry the entire burden of the house unsupported and when he does do something he (an apparently capable adult with a job) fucks up so badly you have to take it on again. I think it's really interesting that you put your understandable frustration at being everyone's skivy down to you being hormonal or mentally ill and also mention that your husband uses that language around your arguments with your daughter. Does he often bring up your hormones when you try to discuss him doing more in the house. What is he like regarding your weight?

He always says my weight is fine, that’s totally a me thing, since before I met him.

I say they are all dirt blind, they literally don’t care of things are clean and tidy but I do, so I feel that’s kind of on me too.

He will offer to help but yes sometimes he ruins clothes beyond repair but I think it’s an honest mistake.

he is crap with house work and cooking but is great with kids and running them about

I think I also control the shopping and cooking because of my ED as I like to control what I eat.

I know this is totally my issue and I have worked all my life on it and had treatment.

i know it’s a factor

You know you need to control the shopping and cooking to feel comfortable, so focus on other things that you're not so anxious about? Top of the list is stop doing the DDs' washing. Looking back I can't believe no-one showed the teenage me how to use a washing machine or what the laundry symbols on labels mean 😩 Tell both girls they're sufficiently adult to look after their own cleanliness. Show them what to do. And step back, completely (Using words like "personal hygiene" and "smell" will do the trick. And they'll learn never to buy anything that's 'dry clean only' - a useful life lesson 😆)