Marriage

[Spacemoonpf]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to ask something that’s been on my mind. Is it ever truly possible to be completely happy in a marriage — I mean a marriage where there’s no flirting to a point of exchanging texts, cheating, secrecy, or any of that? A relationship where you never have to worry about what your husband is doing on his phone, where everything feels open and transparent?

I’m asking because growing up, and even now as a married woman, I’ve never really seen an example of a marriage that feels genuinely safe, honest, and free from that kind of stress. It might be down to the culture I come from -African culture- we are encouraged to stay in a marriage even if it’s not healthy and personally that’s not something I want, but I’m curious to hear from others: does a marriage like that actually exist? And can someone truly be happy in it?

Is it unreasonable to want that kind of marriage and be truly happy?

Of course that's possible. That's what a healthy relationship should be. It's certainly what mine is and many of my friends have. Seems like a bare minimum really to trust your partner and not have to worry about cheating and deceit.

Yes. Mine is like that.

1. I chose the right man - one who wanted to live the same way as me.
2. We discussed everything practical before we married. Finances, chores, religion, parenting style should we have children, our boundaries when it comes to cheating (does porn count, does staring at someone else count etc).
3. Because the man I chose was completely honest (I had never seen or heard of him lying even to someone he disliked or to get himself out of bother) I knew that meant what he said about everything in point 2.

😂😂😂

Yes it’s possible and what everyone should strive for in a marriage. My son borrows my phone every other night for a dog walk and I used my husbands phone in that time last night, there was no worries about ‘finding’ stuff because we are completely upfront and honest with each other. I wouldn’t have it any other way

I can't comment on whether it's cultural or not, but what you're describing ("no flirting to a point of exchanging texts, cheating, secrecy, or any of that") is what I would consider a very normal marriage.

The only secrets I have from my husband are what I do in the bathroom and what I spend on his birthday present. I'm confident that the only secret he has from me is what he spend on my present (because I know far more than I would like about what he does in the bathroom).

Good, but difficult question.
My parents were married for 60 years and had a really friendship/partnership marriage, where they both supported one another, took decisions together etc. etc.
I have numerous friends, who have been married for over 40 years, again, friends, equal partners etc. etc.
You need to find someone you get along with and also fancy and the feeling has to be mutual. Not so easy these days.
Joint thoughts on things like careers and children.

Of course, it's just a bare minimum thing.
There's no happiness with a cheater or general shit quality man though.

Ditto.

But me and DH don't keep bathroom habits secret - the door's always open and we generally give commentary on notable happenings 😂

I think it is possible although unfortunately all of my relationships have included the behaviours you describe.

I live in hope of better though!

My marriage is good, as are t he marriages of all the people I know, but growing up Dad cheated on Mum and there were a lot of sleazy dishonest men in the crowds they ran with. I think the problem is, if you're surrounded by it then the real thing must seem like a fairy tale.

😱 I do think there is such a thing as too much information.

It does. Doesn’t mean everything is perfect though - there can be all sorts of worries outside of basic fidelity.

Is it ever truly possible to be completely happy in a marriage — I mean a marriage where there’s no flirting to a point of exchanging texts, cheating, secrecy, or any of that? A relationship where you never have to worry about what your husband is doing on his phone, where everything feels open and transparent?

Yes, of course. That's pretty much how all my friends' marriages are, and my relationship with my DP is like that too.

No relationship is perfect despite what people claim, this is because no one and nothing in life is perfect. HOWEVER, imperfect doesn’t mean shit. Of course you can have relationships where you don’t feel unsafe or walked over, or taken advantage of, or worried you are going to be cheated on every two seconds. It’s crazy you think differently.

A poster above said about it being the people you’re surrounded by. If you surround yourself with sleaze you will expect sleaze or will set your bar far too low. Then you attract the sleaze, or set the bar at “least sleazy of the sleazy bunch” then guess what? Unhappy, unhealthy relationships. Surround yourself with role models and seek out a partner who is also surrounded by the kind of marriages you wish to see. I’ve always said you can tell a lot about someone by the company they keep.

This all feels like a fairy tale to me, honestly. I never imagined people could be this genuinely happy in a marriage. I think I ended up with a lot of anxiety in mine because I grew up being told “that’s just what men do,” so I normalised things that actually weren’t healthy for me.

I’m working on myself now and trying to put myself and the kids first. It’s encouraging to hear that the kind of marriage I always thought was impossible really does exist for some people.

You realise the bar you’ve set here for a ‘truly happy’ marriage - being able to trust that your spouse is not lying, cheating or coming onto other women - is actually very low! That’s the absolute least I’d expect in a barely satisfactory marriage!

OP, why do you think marriage vows are as they are?

I think think truly happy marriages exist and they are many. Although what defines them might not be the same for everyone. Some feel happy and secure in relationships where flirting and maybe more is acceptable. Define what it means for you.
Be clear what you need to feel safe and dont settle for a partner you dont feel safe with.
I totally disagree with 'thats what men do' or whatever women should do. That would require me, an African wife, to be more domesticated than I ever care to be.
DO YOU, and find someone who can match your rhythm even if it differs from the 'happy' others see.

I've been married for 22 years. Dh has never given me the slightest reason to be suspicious or worried about his behaviour (towards other women or in general). I have never given him any reason to be suspicious of me either! This just seems normal to me though.

Tbh when I read your initial question about happiness in a marriage, my first thoughts were about getting on well, sharing the domestic load, matched or mismatched sex drive, enjoying spending time together etc. Those are the kinds of things that make a marriage actively happy. Whereas a lack of infidelity and secretiveness are just basic, non-negotiable expectations imo.

There is quite some diversity in various African cultures. Even regarding marriage.

You definitely are seeking the wrong type of partner

I'd say around a third of marriages are solid and loving and tight, with very little danger of betrayal. But the majority are not like that. Marriage is hard – really, really hard. When you think about it, living with a complete stranger in a small brick box for years on end is so unnatural. Frankly, it's a miracle anyone manages it. We weren't built for it. 42% of marriages in the UK end in divorce, and of the remaining 58%, probably half stay together for the kids. A lot stick together out of fear. I'm in my 50s now, and of all my old school friends, only one is still happily married. The rest are either divorced or enduring a miserable marriage with a man they dislike. The happiest person I know is childfree and has never had a boyfriend.

I so pity women in places like rural Africa. God knows how many intelligent African women, who could have pursued interesting careers, are pressured into marriage and endless pregnancy and never get to fulfil themselves.

But Africa still has the highest birth rate in the world. In parts of sub-Saharan Africa, the average is six kids per woman. In fact, the African population is going to double (just as climate change is causing chaos).

Men have always tried to control women. And the best way to do so is to deny them an education, marry them young, and keep them pregnant. That way they are vulnerable and dependent. I'd love to see the African birth rate drop, not just for the sake of the planet, but for African women themselves. When a woman in rural Africa has six children, she has no chance of educating herself or pursuing a career.

My marriage is far from perfect but trust dh and feel safe in my marriage.

I have said you are not unreasonable to want this. I’m sorry you haven’t seen or experienced it. I think it is actually quite normal. I’d say that although all marriages have their problems at times, no marriage in my wider family has involved the sort of unfaithful behaviour you mention. There has only been one divorce and that was a cousin who was in an emotionally controlling relationship.