How to deal with unkind behaviour in Reception class

[Dinoswearunderpants]

My DS started Reception this year and I genuinely thought he would settle in fine.

He's had nothing but issues. Accidents, rock up his nose (which he's never done anything like this before), bitten by another child and constant issues with one particular child.

At first I've told him to avoid this child, if he doesn't want to play to walk away and play with something else however it's constant.

I finally spoke to the school before half term and they said they'll keep an eye on them in the playground and try to keep them separate.

This week my son has started saying he doesn't want to wear his winter coat (was wearing a rain jacket before), turns out the reason why is because this kid keeps pulling the hood off.

I'm trying to teach him to be resilient and walk away but it's hard when your child is upset.

I'm wondering the best way to manage this? I was going to suggest inviting the kid and Mum over for a play date and see whether one on one they would get along.

I'm waiting for the school to get back to me. I don't want to cause issues but equally I don't want my child being upset.

Any practical advice welcomed.

The playdate idea is a good one, though I'd keep it short and supervise heavily in case it goes wrong.

Other than that and what you've already done, I can't really think of anything else.

I do think the jump in ratios can be a bit of a shock from nursery to school and some children really need closer supervision still. It's tricky.

Well I definitely wouldn’t invite the boy to your home. Imagine if someone invited your workplace bully to your home to see if you got along better? It should be a safe space.

I think you keep speaking to the teacher, help your son foster nicer friends and practice role play for dealing with scenarios that occur. If it doesn’t stop or escalates then you take it up the chain at school.

In my, admittingly only two children so limited experience, the only way is to keep following the school complaints procedure for each incident. Be polite but firm.

Or failing that he might have to push or hit the child back. I know it's frowned upon at school and, well with other parents, but our eldest had some issues and the school was useless at sorting them out so I emailed them and said all this, very factually, and said as the school are unwilling or unable to keep my son safe I have told him now that he is to hit the other child back as hard as he can and if you have an issue with that to take it up with me.

And he did hit him back as hard as he could.
The school said nothing, no punishment, nothing sent home to me, we bought him an ice cream because he wasn't, still isn't, a natural fighter, and he had to muster up a whole heap of brave to do it.

Child backed off though.

I don’t think it’s a great idea to invite the bully over either. Sounds like a recipe for disaster and also rewards the bully.

I would suggest speaking to the school again.

If you know the parent well enough you could have a chat, but otherwise your child needs to try to stay away from them. Focussing on other friendships can help to give your child a bit of a “base” and make them a more difficult target for the bully.

Maybe arrange a play date with someone he does like instead.

Yeah I wouldn't entertain inviting the bully over. No chance, at best they might become mates and he becomes like the nasty one.

If someone was bullying you in an out of home setting, would you like an authority figure inviting them into your house as well?

Handle this all via the school. Go back again. Tell his teacher what you've said here. Practice role play with your son for scenarios that are happening. Foster other friendships with classmates.

Thank you for the comments. I was on the fence with the play date idea. I'd hate for my son to feel uncomfortable in his own home but I wondered whether it would be a good opportunity to see them play together but I honestly don't know who this kid is or what the parents are like.

I know my son isn't perfect and I'm sure he's doing things that might annoy this child but I certainly don't think he's doing unkind things first.

If son isn't keen for a playdate then no, I wouldn't force him to do it. I was thinking it might be a good idea if they sort of get on or sometimes play together but it goes wrong. In a quieter situation you can see a different side to a child.

Also depends on how the mum is. If she's nice but struggling to manage her child's behaviour as well then it can be positive. If she's disengaged or aggressive, it might not go very well.

Learning social skills is one of the most useful things about school.
I would chat to your DS everyday and if he's had a negative interaction with this kid, note it. Raise it with the class teacher if necessary. Never be afraid of doing this - teachers can see everything that goes in, a lot of unkind behaviour happens in breaks when supervision is even less.
Role play with your DS how to deal with 'friends' like these. Walking away is often ineffective as they will just follow. It's about getting a response (for the annoying child) so run through different ways he could deal with it if it happens again.

Another way to try to observe their play together without actually having a playdate would be to attend every possible thing at school, volunteer to go in and do reading, or try to note if parents either bring children to the playground early, frequently stop somewhere on the way home (e.g. nearby park) to let children let off a bit of steam etc, and observe there.

I'm sorry but how else do you suggest to deal with it?

I was bullied so badly at school and literally hid in the class room at lunch. What I wish I had done now is punch them in the face however I will not suggest this to my 4 year old.

I know they all have big emotions at this age so I don't want to add fuel to the fire so to speak.

Having had three children go through (or going through) PS, you'll regret being too nice and too passive.

I would not invite the child into your home.

Follow up with class teacher, in writing. If no improvement follow up quickly - go to the head, reference the school behaviour /bullying /attendance policy (whichever is relevant- attendance if child is reluctant to attend) and he clearly on what you want- action in place to ensure your child is safe and happy. If that doesn't work, I'd encourage your child to stand his ground and hit back if needed.

In my experience hard and fast escalation via complaints procedure, or a short and sharp retaliation is the only thing that stops this sort of thing effectively.

Ask the school about:

What strategies they have for teaching, managing and supervising children who do not have social skills, therefore more prone to rough/violent behaviour

What rules and routines are being taught to ensure behaviour is calm and less fractious

What supervision is supposed to look like during more ‘free’ moments, such as playtime

Say you are worried about your child, that they may learn that anti-social behaviour is something normal, to be tolerated.

Really, the biter needs a short, sharp, no-nonsense ‘no biting’ command and close supervision. They also need to be taught play skills so they can make friends. It is distressing for both your child (the bitee) and the other child (the biter) because they are going to struggle to make friends.

People are taught resilience through safety and having adults step in and help, not by being bullied everyday and putting up with it.

"In my experience hard and fast escalation via complaints procedure, or a short and sharp retaliation is the only thing that stops this sort of thing effectively".

I think this is sound advice. I am waiting for the school to return my call and if they don't, I'll follow it up with an email tomorrow and cite the policies.

Any advice on getting my little one to tell me the things that's happening? I fear it's been happening more regularly but he doesn't always tell me. I've foolishly thought because he wasn't saying things, it had calmed down but clearly not.

Just reflecting back on your post, I am dissapointed the school has said ‘we’ll try to keep an eye’ and ‘we’ll try to keep them separate’. This is not a solution.

The solution is teaching, practice, rules, routines and social skills interventions. The art of saying ‘can I join in please?’ All this needs to be taught. It’s absolutely the remit of the early years senior teacher/leader.

Don’t invite the child to your house, you are making your son vulnerable by doing this.

Your son needs to tell the teacher when the child starts bullying.

At this point, I would be asking for the child’s parents to be invited into school for a discussion about their son’s behaviour. I would want to see robust efforts to prevent this from continuing such as the child sitting on the bench at play times until he can play nicely etc.

Your child needs to be taught to say loudly and firmly ‘please stop’ and then he can seek support from adults.

What does he want to do when this boy bothers him? I would be asking for his opinion and teaching him to trust himself too. If he needs to push the boy away forcefully then that’s fine - empower him.

Whilst I wouldn't advocate your kid punching the other one, I'm also not sure how helpful it is to encourage children to be passive when bullied.
I'm sorry you were bullied OP, but schools do have more proactive policies around this but can only help if they know there's a problem.
Kids often don't want to make a fuss and are embarrassed about being the centre of attention, if they're already feeling ashamed and upset about things in school they may lack the emotional articulation needed to talk to you.
Behaviour is a good indicator - you know your child best.
Not all kids will be friends and you need to help your kids learn how to advocate for themselves - this only really works if by doing this, the problem gets sorted.
I found my DD would talk about school, but I had a few questions that got her to tell me things. Don't say 'how was your day' instead try something like 'what what the funniest thing that happened today ' and 'what made you cross today' - sometimes I would start that conversation by telling DD something about my day. But something child friendly, like I saw this really gross thing...which would get her attention.

Thank you so much, you've all been so helpful!

Love the questions @Beamur I also try saying "Mummy did xx today..." then hope he'll tell me what he did but that hasn't happened yet.

First, you go down the normal route of pushing the school for a response of how they are going to handle this.

If it continues...if, as adults, we kept antagonising and picking on someone, we could reasonably expect that at some point someone will snap and hit us. It's a natural consequence.

Yes violence isn't the answer etc etc, but if someone is continually harassing you, sometimes you do need to physically stand up for yourself 🤷

My mum was picked on at school. She is a very placid and shy lady. One day, she'd had enough of the continuous cruelty, and she snapped, pushed the girl to the floor, and hit her once. The girl never bothered her again lol.

Just wanted to add, I’d advise against inviting the bully over to your home. My parents did this with my bully at the same age although they didn’t know she was bullying me (because who would imagine a 4 year old could be like that?) and while we went to play in the bedroom she would kick me and pull my hair. I’m in my 40s and still remember it, and how unsafe I felt

When my parents eventually found out, the school did nothing about it and my parents had to change my school. But I’m hopeful lots of things have changed in bullying procedures in the 40 odd years since it happened to me!

Good luck with it all, it’s great you’re being proactive

That's so awful, I'm sorry.

Ok absolutely this child is not coming into my house.

I've reviewed their Anti-Bullying policy and I've drafted an email to send. They are clearly not following the policy :-(

You can't suggest he hits the child, but you could help him practise standing up for himself. Warn him that unfortunately it is often the retaliator who gets into trouble at school because the bully does things on the sly and then the retaliator is caught reacting. You could say something like: if he does it again, shout: Stop touching my hood! Or Stop hurting me! as loud as you can. The teacher might hear and she might think you are being naughty but you are not, so don't worry about that. Just tell her he keeps hurting you and it makes you very sad. Then it is her job to stop him.

Basically your child is being bullied, so I would be on the school's back like a ton of brick, and insist for them to deal with it and seriously.

They are the same age, but it's still bullying.

The school cannot communicate any information about the other child, which is good, so the other child and his family are not your problem.

First you contact the teacher, then if it's not resolved, you ask for a meeting with the headteacher, then you contact the governors and ofsted.

What I wish I had done now is punch them in the face however I will not suggest this to my 4 year old.
I would if this doesn't stop, and I would tell the headteacher that my child will have to defend and protect himself if no one else does it. "Being kind" is helping your children to be safe and feel safe, not to become terrified of going to school.

I have a 4yo in nursery. We occasionally have squabbles and biting incidents between children. I worry about starting reception as mine is sometimes the biter.

The child may not be a bully (they’re only 4 after all), but I would hope that teachers do a bit more than just watching and waiting. I would want my child to be told firmly, ‘no’. This is school, they shouldn’t be afraid to tell kids off.

The other parent might not be happy about the situation either.

They need to work in small groups, read books about not biting. Other parent needs to be spoken to and told what to do at home. Child needs to be told clearly that this is not acceptable and ideally feel bad about their behaviour