What do you think of this situation? unreasonable or normal?

[inapickle99]

Sarah and John have a young child together (3) and John has two older children (7&9) who stay with them 40% of the week. They have been together for 5 years.

John is self employed and was working at the weekend, Sarah was at home with all children. Sarah invited to go on a day out with her sister and niece and agrees. She drops off two step children with their dad to spend the day at his work with him and goes with their joint child on the day out (to an aquarium).

Do you think this is reasonable? No option given to the other children to go along.

Fair enough, I am able to identify with Sarah having been in her shoes. It is sad for the kids, but from what we know from OP, Sarah’s not having a whale of a time either. We don’t know enough to judge but we do know the person ultimately responsible for everyone’s unhappiness, with the power to change it, is John.

I’d imagine most parents who have separated ended up having arguments which were overheard by their children before finally splitting. It’s not great, obviously, but things are clearly at breaking point between them. These arguments will be overheard by her own kid too. Very few mothers will argue in front of their children, or leave their children’s dad, unless they feel they have no other options.

John is the twat and he’ll be a single dad of three if he doesn’t sort things out.

OP it takes a strange sort of person to use children to score a point! At the end of the day they are children and dont get why they are being left out. The fact that it is so blatant as well is what would suggest to me that it is deliberate.

When she married your ex she knew he had children and knew what that would entail. at some stage she decided to punish him, using them and its really not on. To me she is clearly trying to make them uncomfortable enough that they dont want to visit which Im sure would be much more convenient for her. I had a relationship with someone who shared small children with his ex. She was a nightmare! the kids were so confused and upset with how she would behave that myself and their dad spent most of our time with them trying to reassure them. It was awful.

Im sorry this is happening to your children - its so horrible for you watching it too.

I’ve read enough threads here to recognise the pattern of John…

• pushes for 50/50 (or as close as possible) to reduce maintenance
• offloads parenting to the nearest woman
• is “self employed” = fiddles the figures to reduce maintenance

He’s quite the caricature.

I also agree that John is the main factor here. Ultimately it is his responsibility to take care of his children and also to ensure that when he is not in a position to that the person taking care of them is content to do so!. Still doesnt make what the step mum did ok, In my book anyway, but thats between John and his wife!

This.

He usually finds the 'nanny with a fanny' very quickly and procreates with her.

If Sarah leaves him, there's be another 'nanny with a fanny' found within weeks, and until then, his mum or sister will be doing the unpaid childcare.

They’re both twats in different ways and the children are the ones worse off for it.

I wonder when it ends? Surely not many women are willing to take on three, four, five young kids with two, three, four “crazy” exes?

That’s really sad. Sarah should not have married John if she was not willing to accept everything about him - his children included. Poor kids.

@EllaVader , when the new partner starts a thread on MN and gets told she should treat someone else's children even better than as her own, and that she's the shittiest step-parent ever.

Sarah may not have been aware she would end up in this situation. It sounds as though it's been going on for some time but maybe not from the beginning (or before).

Sarah is mean and unreasonable. Relationship unlikely to last.

Don’t get in a relationship with someone with children if you don’t want to be step mum to them. He comes as a package. You can’t pick and choose which bits you want.
Go to the aquarium when the older 2 are at school, if you want some 1 on 1 time with the youngest

OP, the truth is that if you have seen Sarah taken advantage of by the loser you offloaded years ago when those children were very small, are you really surprised she's balked?

It would have been far better for you to have intervened with loser Ex to have the children more.

This is NOT your fault but sometimes as parents, even in relationships, we have to ensure our children do not lose out because the other parent isn't stepping up.

Sarah is not the problem.
She can walk out with her child and never see your children again.
She has zero legal responsibility.
That is why it is down to you and the loser Ex to work this out.

This set up is absolutely damaging for your childrens self esteem, but it isn't Sarah's responsibility.

That's a totally unreasonable thing to do. So mean to the children.
If the stepmum has issues with the kids' dad not doing his bit then she needs to take it up with him not take it out on the kids. He shouldn't be at work if the stepmum doesn't want to look after the kids. But this isn't the time and place to enforce boundaries. Boundaries should be set and enforced between the adults. Not taken out on the kids.
Poor kids. You have to be a pretty hardfaced bitch to do this to two kids that age. My guess, she doesn't like them and doesn't want much to do with them but somehow married their dad anyway. Now she's got a child of her own they are in the way.
I'd be very careful if the dad is relying on her for childcare a lot. Which he probably is. I bet she's mean to them in other ways too.

Can't argue with that. Shame women keep providing them with kids to fuck over really. But it's amazing how good these wankers are at disguising it in the early pahses.

Sarah is 1) a fucking idiot to have a child with John and 2) a nasty one too, to allow the step kids to hear the argument.

John, as you already know since you divorced him, is a lazy arsehole and poor excuse for a father.

All you can do is love your kids and be their safe haven.

Tell John the kids could hear the argument, he needs to know that's not ok.

The situation isn't Sarah's responsibility, but I'd still say as an adult in the situation it's incumbent on her not to pour oil on the fire.

No, you can’t say the same thing at all. ‘Parent’ is a legal relationship with clearly defined responsibilities. ‘Stepparent’ is not.

A stepparent is in no way obliged to take on parental responsibilities. If a parent wants a partner to do that then it’s up to them to not marry someone that won’t.

She didn't have the argument on her own.

Its easy to blame the step mothers who should have known.

Bottom line is that most women, even clued in ones like me, mid 30's having my first child, hasn't any idea what parenting is like until you have your own child.

Now she has 3 and she wants this time with one, not juggling 3.

I understand that many posters don't get this, but until you have your own child it is impossible to know how you will feel.

Sarah is sick shit of juggling 3.
She wanted a day out with just one.
She is fed up with the loser BMD father, and she is now not prepared to tolerate going forward.

If she has an ounce of sense she will off load him, he's not going to change.

No doubt he'd find some other idiot to take her place, who will also have to learn what's what the hard way.

OP needs to firmly step in and prevent her children being collateral damage to the loser Ex.

Which, in practice, means continue to roll over and let their father take the piss out of her.

‘Think of the children’ is invariably something used against women, as if it’s ultimately their responsibility to make up for the failings of the actual father at their own expense. It isn’t.

It’s incumbent on their father to stop putting Sarah and his children in this position.

So what are you going to do, OP?

If dad was at work I'd want my child with me, not some other woman.
Why won't he just let you keep them until he's off?

They aren't her children and all the emotional and physical labour that goes into raising kids for them to come back when they're teenagers with 'you're not my mum' isn't worth it. She has good foresight to realise this and not 'love' them.

wrong thread