Embarrassed about grief oversharing and being ignored

[MegsDancer]

So recently I lost a friend in quite unique circumstances - see previous thread if necessary, it was via assisted dying.

I spent the first week grief stricken, more than expected. During this time my friend of 20+ years messaged some light hearted thing and I essentially said 'look, sorry...I've just had a bereavement.'

He sent hugs, said he was happy to listen and help where he could. So feeling safe to share I told him the details (ie. it was assisted dying, I said goodbye last weekend and I'm now supporting his partner through it).

This was several days ago and he's ignored it. I feel upset that I overshared during a very raw moment just to have my feelings ignored. Am I wrong? Should I have kept the details vague? Wish I'd said nothing beyond 'bereavement'.

@MegsDancer - I'm so sorry for your loss. You didn't overshare, though. Your friend said he was happy to listen. Clearly he wasn't. That's on him, not you. People deal with grief in different ways. But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if you don't deal with it, it affects you mentally and physically for many years. Don't be embarrassed. Grieve your friend. You're allowed to be sad. People who don't get that are dicks. Look after yourself.

@Zimunya thank you.

it wasn't easy for me to express what had happened either. I am upset that he left me hanging like that. Adding the shame of feeling like I overshared isn't helpful to my grief either I know.

I am sorry for your sad loss. Losing people in unusual circumstances can make grief worse.

I actually think your friend is a dickhead. He asked you for details and then didn’t respond to such an emotional message. Of course he could have. He just is avoiding doing so. I can’t bear people like that.

I’ve Yabu as I think you just have to let it go. Perhaps he really doesn’t have enough experience to sympathise - some people freeze up when other people confront them with strong emotions.

It is very common when you’re bereaved to get angry over things in a way you wouldn’t normally. I’d leave it a few weeks before replying

@YourXYourY I'm torn because on one hand I agree with you - I sort of feel like he's a dick for not replying. Where does friendship go from there?

And yet we've been friends 20+ years. So I don't want to drop him. But I feel like how you react to both the happy and sad moments in a friend's life matters.

@KneelyThere when his relative died suddenly a few years ago I sat next to him and listened to every detail. So he may have no experience of this but he has experience of loss. I understand he may feel frozen but I do feel he should have acknowledged it.

I think assisted dying is a very emotive and divisive topic, and you need to recognise this. It is likely when he said he was available to listen he wasn't expecting to be landed with something potentially controversial, that may well not align with his own beliefs or morals. He may be having trouble offering a supportive reply based on this

I'm sorry you are feeling down and going through a tough time, I wouldn't lose your friend over this though

But he was a dick, why don't you want to drop him?

He perhaps doesnt know what to say, or frightened of saying the wrong thing..

A simple acknowledgment from the friend would suffice, to not reply is pretty shitty no matter your moral judgment.

So when I said I had had a bereavement, he did reply. He didn't ignore that. Offered support and hugs - seems like the sentiment was there?

But then when I told him the details - nada, zilch. Crickets. So I'm asking - is it enough that he responded initially but didn't know to handle - or actually, is it pretty out of order to leave me hanging when I told him more?

I’m very sorry for your loss.

I find as I get older that every bereavement triggers memories and feelings about other past bereavements.

People often don’t really know how to discuss death, loss and grief in the best of circumstances.

Assisted dying has its own complexities and it may well have triggered conflicts or previous losses for your friend.

Of course he should have messaged back, but it might just have been too hard to find the right words for this.

If he is otherwise a good friend, I’d be disappointed but give him a pass on this occasion.

@DarkSunrise thank you.

It's hard that he didn't respond the way that I hoped he would as one of my oldest friends. Hopefully I won't go through moments like this often and I wish he'd stepped up.

But do I want to lose him too? I don't think so. It probably feels more hurtful to be ignored anyway because of the grief.

Unfortunately in my experience many people are quick to say "let me know if you need anything" and "you can always call if you need me", but they don't actually mean it. Grief really sorts the wheat from the chaff.

I didn't remove anyone from my life over things like this but I felt like I found out who they really were - some true friends, some who are just nice to go to the cinema with once in a while, I guess this friend is in the latter category.

Personal morals/politics aside, this is such a common feature that people report when they experience a bereavement and others say: "Let me know if I can do anything..." and then proceed to fall off the planet. It may be about the manner of her dying - in which case he needs to remember that it's not a choice that YOU made, you are just dealing with the aftermath. Or it could be because he's a crap performative friend when it comes to something 'serious'. Either way, he's not acting like a friend, so I wouldn't waste any time thinking about it. But neither would I forget, it would just make me think that our friendship wasn't that deep and, if I still wanted him in my life, not to share anything non-bubblegum with him ever again.

When my dad recently died I would just ignore or 'thumbs up' light hearted texts, rather than reply with 'Sorry but my dad's just died'.

Do you think he may have just replied with a platitude because he was unsure of how else to respond?

Or perhaps he read "and I'm now supporting his partner through it", as you saying you're very busy?

My oldest friend since school who, I had supported when her Dad died, dropped me when I informed her my Dad had died. I messaged her and realised after a week with no reply, only to find I had been blocked. Still puzzled. People can be cruel.

@Beedeeoh what's hard is that this friend at one point was my main confidante and vice versa.

I sort of feel like I've been downgraded but not given the memo that 'we don't talk about those deep things anymore' - which is difficult. I know I just need to focus on the people that are there for now but it's sad.

It wasn't wrong to explain your grief when he'd asked, OP.

But from personal experience, people really don't know how to respond to grief. He may not know what to reply - but even a "I'm sorry you're going through this" would have been better than nothing.

I found out who my genuine friends/family were when my Dad died. And it shocked the heck out of me.

I think he should have responded after saying that.

However I also think some people, when they don't know what to say, freeze up a bit. Men in particular. It might not have occurred to him to say something like Oh that sounds really tough. Or some men think by offering to listen it's enough to just listen but forget they should make a supportive noise at the end of it!

I don't think you need to feel guilty or embarrassed though, given that he literally said he was happy to listen.

People get things wrong or dont respond in the way we think they 'should', its life, its being human. Do we just 'drop' people for not being perfect?

IMO, men are rubbish around grief and dying.

No need for you to feel ashamed, OP. But completely understand your disappointment in him. Some people just can't do it.

Of course its absolutely out of order that he didn't reply
Totally out of order.

You can now choose how to categorise his friendship.

For example I told a dear friend about something horrible that happened to me. She didn't respond for 6 weeks and then apologised but 'I was busy'

I now know what sort of friendship she can give me. I can choose whether I want that friendship and go forward knowing who my friend is. Whereas before this, I actually didn't realise who she is

Knowledge is power 🙂

well he never used to be - he always seemed more emotionally intelligent than the average bloke which is why we've been close for 20+ years. I suppose people change.