Embarrassed about grief oversharing and being ignored

[MegsDancer]

So recently I lost a friend in quite unique circumstances - see previous thread if necessary, it was via assisted dying.

I spent the first week grief stricken, more than expected. During this time my friend of 20+ years messaged some light hearted thing and I essentially said 'look, sorry...I've just had a bereavement.'

He sent hugs, said he was happy to listen and help where he could. So feeling safe to share I told him the details (ie. it was assisted dying, I said goodbye last weekend and I'm now supporting his partner through it).

This was several days ago and he's ignored it. I feel upset that I overshared during a very raw moment just to have my feelings ignored. Am I wrong? Should I have kept the details vague? Wish I'd said nothing beyond 'bereavement'.

I don’t know why men are always excused just because they are…men.
That was fucking appalling of him. To just totally blank your response, that he himself welcomed. He could’ve just said ‘argh god that really sounds so tough’ instead of ignored. Shitty.

@MegsDancer I'm going against the grain here. No one knows why he has not answered. And, as you say, this is a 20 year friendship.

My advice is... call him. No messages, because tone and feeling are lost in writing. Call him and talk to him and explain you were hurt by his lack of reply to such a heartfelt message from you, and you need his friendship now that you're suffering.

His answer on the phone will give you the information you need. Nothing can be worse than waiting and getting no reply. Even if the call proves to you he's not the friend you thought he was, it will be better than this suffering with nothing. And who knows, there may still be an explanation. He may be in hospital himself. Something may have happened to his family. The message may not have arrived. He may have replied a lovely message and thought he had sent it, and it's still in drafts (this has happened to me).

Just call him and clarify.

@aurynne I get where you're coming from. The 20+ friendship matters.

But the last thing I feel like doing is doubling down. He has ignored the message. So what am I going to do, call and make him listen to an even fuller explanation? I've seen him updating social media, he isn't in hospital etc.

I mean, I wouldn't have told him this level of detail if I didn't need his friendship. He has seen and ignored that reality.

Yes, but you're suffering over this, and you don't need any extra suffering right now. From a selfish point of view, you can get closure over this matter with a simple call. Forget about what he should or shouldn't have done, and do this for yourself only. I know what I am talking about because a similar thing happened to me not once, but a number of times. One of those times the reason I had no answer was perfectly legitimate. If I had not called, both of us would have lost a dear friend. Even if the chance is small, true friendship makes it worthwhile.

Whatever you decide to do, I am sending you a big hug.

Is this the same friend whom you posted about, who you said had not checked in on you during the past 3 months?