Scared to tell my new boyfriend I’m estranged from my family because let’s be honest, people judge.

[NoDramaJustDistance]

I’ve been estranged from my family for a few years now and while I’m at peace with it, I still dread that moment when someone new asks about them, especially men I’m dating. I know people mean well but there’s always that flicker of judgement, that sense that family estrangement equals red flag or drama. It’s exhausting having to explain or justify something that took years of pain and clarity to decide.

AIBU to feel anxious about sharing that part of my life with a new partner or is it just better to be upfront and risk being misunderstood early on?

Well to be honest, if you were to start a new relationship and they judged you on this, then surely they wouldn't be someone you would want to be with anyway. I wouldn't go out of my way to mention it, but when the inevitable small talk leads to family questions all you need to say is I'm not in touch with my family. No need to go into great detail and if he asks why just say it's not something you want to talk about at this stage.

A man who loves you will not care.

Saying this, I would not disclose early on. No need to say unthruths, just pivot the conversation gently away until you really know you are with the right person.

I voted YABU because your over thinking it. And men don't care like we care. You read loads of posts on here where the only reason men are not estranged is because of their partners

I'm NC with my entire family. But it's all for the right reasons. Anyone who judged me harshly on wanting to be around peace and genuine love isn't for me

I know someone who is estranged from their whole family - parents, siblings, and extended family, (have been for 10 years,) and they just tell everyone they're all dead. I mean it may come out eventually if they're with someone long-term, but so far, they've been with a new partner for 18 months and they still don't know.

It's more common than you think @NoDramaJustDistance Do people really judge? What do they say?

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This is such a bizarre thing for me. When I became estranged from my parents (their ultimatum, my choice), my brother actually said to me that he thought I was making a mistake because any man looking for a girlfriend or wife would be totally put-off by a woman estranged from her family. I asked him why and he couldn't articulate it. I didn't understand it then and I don't understand it now - I would have, and did, just tell potential 'suitors' that my parents were suffocatingly controlling, laid down an ultimatum (their way or the highway) and I took it. I saw it as a sign of strength in me, something any right-thinking man should jump to secure in a potential partner! Maybe because I wouldn't ever have been interested in a man who wanted to control me (I'm having this thought for the first time as I'm typing this, wow quite a realization after 30-odd years that perhaps this is what my brother was getting at! That men ultimately want to feel like men who can be in charge, including of a woman. Hmmm!).

Anyway, this isn't about me - I think you should accept the choices you've made, embrace them and live by them. Sounds like you're pretty much there. I guess it's tiring having to kiss a million frogs to find a prince and we all know what a cesspit online dating is these days, but I don't think this is the kind of things that is even near the top of the list of reasons why two people may not be compatible. Don't make this more important a factor than it is.

I’ve actually had very direct judgement - comments like “that’s a red flag/you must be the difficult one” or people immediately asking what I ‘did.’ I’ve been told “you’re beautiful but men won’t want you because you’re estranged.” I’ve even had people weaponise it in past relationships or say things like “you’ll regret it when your parents die.” And that’s from friends and family, not strangers.

So yes, people absolutely do judge and that’s why it makes me nervous bringing it up. Estrangement is more common than people realise but the reactions can still be really harsh or simplistic.

I get that women see it as a red flag when meeting a guy, but i dont really think guys see it as much of an issue to be honest, chances are he will be pleased he wont have to make any effort with your family.

I get that women see it as a red flag when meeting a guy

I'm not really sure why, because just as many men have toxic families as women. If it's a red flag in a man, then it's surely also a red flag in a woman.

@OP

I've been estranged from my family for years, and tbh I don't really worry about mentioning it if it comes up. People who have only recently met me obviously have no knowledge of my family, so if they are going to jump to conclusions about who is the "problematic" one, I'd say that says a lot about them and nothing about me.

If someone is genuinely a decent human being, then I'd expect them to listen without judgement provided it's a topic you actually want to discuss, obviously. If they are going to make snap judgements when they have no understanding of the circumstances, I'd say that's a pretty decent filter for detecting people I wouldn't want to spend further time with in any case.

I think most people, of either sex, would take it in broader context. I wouldn’t see it as a red flag if somebody simply said in response to the usual conversational questions about their family “I have two sisters, though we’re not in touch, we’re very different people” or “my family is small, and I didn’t have an easy childhood and so once I left home I decided to keep contact low / that it wasn’t benefitting me to keep trying to turn them into the family I should have had and so we don’t speak nowadays. I’ve made my peace with it now, but it’s not something I want to get into on a date” - because those sorts of statements show emotional literacy and a level of maturity.

It isn’t so much the estrangement that’s a red flag, as how you approach and speak about it. Red flags start waving when somebody is at pains to get across how everyone around them is crazy or narcissistic so they’ve cut them all off, less so when they’re just giving the information candidly but bare bones. I’d imagine that at least some of the men you meet will have family difficulties themselves, and will understand something of your situation. And as a previous poster said, if they want to make early judgements about you based on something that just is and is never going to change, it’s better for you they take their leave early on.

I was estrange from my family for about 10 years and its only over the last few that the relationship has thawed a little. I still dont have very close ties with them. I dont really speak about my family to randoms. If they ask I just say that they live in another city so I dont see much of them. I find that a good conversation stopper.

I’ve had similar judgement OP and I understand your concern. I don’t say anything early on until I know them better. So for most this never has to be discussed. I don’t live where I grew up which makes it easier and my family are dispersed. I only talk about the family members I have a relationship with, not the ones I’ve chosen not to.
Say little until you know them better and if they judge make a hasty exit, they’re not worth your time.

I had similar trepidation when I first told DP I was estranged from my family. It was a non-event and he didn't judge - it "helped" that his parents are also very difficult, albeit in a different way. It was also one of the moments I knew I could trust him, he would have my back and he simply wasn't the type to judge. Ultimately it strengthened our relationship.

You have to remind yourself what you already know rationally - yes, some people judge, and the type of person who judges based on assumptions and stereotypes is not someone you want in your life at all.

If I met a man estranged from his family I would be a little wary. At least until I got to know him, and the circumstances. So maybe take your time introducing it?

I perhaps wouldn't mention it on the first date but the older I get the more I think - you can't say the wrong thing to the right person.
And I refuse to hide who I genuinely am - being open and honest and vulnerable without making yourself vulnerable TO the date can only be a good thing.
I hate dating games and hiding things.

I’m estranged too but I understand why it is a red flag for those without dysfunctional families. They often don’t have the life experience and insight to get it and family is extremely important for most people and it should be. The right guy will understand though. DH completely gets because his family are as bad.

If asked in the early days just respond "I don't really have family, but that's one for another day" and change the subject. Disclose more in stages as trust builds.

Obviously I can't speak for all men, but it'd certainly be a bit of a red flag for me (Sorry @NoDramaJustDistance )

Someone is going to be the reason for the estrangement, and theres a not insignificant chance it'll be the person I'm thinking of dating. By itself it probably wouldn't be a reason I'd reject someone, but it would make me more wary going forwards.

Again, sorry OP, I know that's probably not helping, but I do think it's probably a conversation that better to have earlier than later, I think I'd find it more of a red flag if it was something she'd intentionally tried to hide from me.

I don't necessarily see it as a red flag with a guy, but it's something I would take under advisement, if that makes sense.

I know that there are plenty of toxic families out there, and I know it's difficult to cut ties with your family. But conversely, I'm aware that I'm only getting one side of the story and it's possible that the man was the toxic one.

If I witness "red flag" behavior from him myself, the fact that he's estranged from his family may be additional cause for concern. If I don't see other red flags, then whether he's estranged from his family won't affect how I see him.

You have to find someone who will accept you. If he doesn’t he doesn’t.

When the time comes be honest and be vulnerable. Nothing wrong with sharing how you feel.

It's not the guy to worry about, it's any judgemental parents that they have IME.

Yes people do judge. But this is actually a good test of a new man. Their reaction will tell you a lot about them.
I'd wait till you're a few weeks in, if you can. Because the judgement, if it comes, can be hard to handle. No point going through unnecessary pain if the relationship is going to fizzle out anyway.

OP, I haven’t read all the replies so sorry if I’m repeating what’s already been said but my lovely husband told me he was estranged from his father very early on in our relationship and the whys and wherefores of the situation…he was also estranged from his brother for a few years but that was sorted yonks ago and they are close now…..I couldn’t have given less of a shit then nor does it matter to me 20 years on…if he’s the man for you he won’t care either my lovely xx

My DH is estranged from most of his direct family. It never occurred to me to judge him. He told me why, I sympathised, and that's that.

Anyone who judges you after a reasonable explanation isn’t worth your time.

I would see it as a red flag but thats because the last 2 times I was with men who said this they definitely turned out to be the problem