Scared to tell my new boyfriend I’m estranged from my family because let’s be honest, people judge.

[NoDramaJustDistance]

I’ve been estranged from my family for a few years now and while I’m at peace with it, I still dread that moment when someone new asks about them, especially men I’m dating. I know people mean well but there’s always that flicker of judgement, that sense that family estrangement equals red flag or drama. It’s exhausting having to explain or justify something that took years of pain and clarity to decide.

AIBU to feel anxious about sharing that part of my life with a new partner or is it just better to be upfront and risk being misunderstood early on?

It shows an issue within a family unit regardless of who is to blame. We are all estranged from one sister, we waited till our Mother died, she had an affair with another sisters husband, we are 5 sisters. My older sister had a breakdown and has never been the same really. I’m sure she would spin some excuse about it but that is what she did. She deserved to be cut out.

Oh God Op I know exactly what you mean.

I DREADED telling new friends, colleagues and boyfriends about it. Because I was so worried they would instantly judge me as a
flighty, highly strung, narcissistic nightmare who ghosts family over the smallest slights or trivial matters having taken advice about ‘toxic relatives’ from Instagram. When actually it was decades of my dad’s extreme alcoholism and aggression, and my mum’s partner’s domestic violence which she allowed to ruin my childhood until it all wound up in court (and in addition to that the many years I tried to resolve the above and have a normal relationship with them even as an adult).

DH accepted it without question, but MIL is a spiteful nightmare who still regularly asks if they’ve been in touch or sent my DC birthday presents with a glint in her eye, knowing full well they haven’t.

Dsis has been in touch with parents on and off over the years, her husband was a bit ‘surely they’re not that bad? What is the fuss about?’. He then had to deal with my dad when dad sold a flat to them, and the stress of dealing with him meant BIL lost a stone in 6 weeks. He had to concede that regularly communicating with dad (he hadn’t had to do that before) was an absolute nightmare, which was quite validating for Dsis.

Totally agree with all of that. It's how you frame the breakdown of these relationships yourself that's the giveaway. Some people I would listen to them telling me all about every awful member of thei awful family and think 'Yeah...no. It's probably you. You're the problem, I'd put money on it.'

It's something that I would want to keep an eye on, one or both sides of an estrangement are difficult people and I'd want to keep eye on how they are with other relationships. But I wouldn't stop seeing them, it wait and see how things pan out.

I wouldn’t mention it too early on, as it flags you as vulnerable. You don’t want strangers knowing that you don’t have family support, that if you go missing they won’t be looking for you. Or even just finding out that you have a difficult upbringing . There are some nasty predator types out there who can sniff out a woman on her own.

This.
Better to be estranged than to have to be involved with a batshit difficult family, any day.

I guess you’re looking for a caring, supportive man. If he reacts badly to your estrangement then you can probably assume he’s not the caring supportive man you need.

You’re not obliged to tell him or anyone, just say you live far apart and don’t see much of each other or similar. It’s nobody else’s business.

Oh just tell.him. He's going out with you, not the bloody family. Life will be easier for him anyway.

'We are not a close family at all, I've not seen most of them for years' ...would that cover it?

Seems like you're talking about it a hell of a lot. Why can't you just say you're not that close and rarely see each other? No need to even use the word "estrangement" I mean what are you expecting them to say to that? You're making it into a big thing. And how are you getting comments from family about how you'll regret it later when you don't speak to any of them? are you only estranged from your parents?

At this early stage, I would just play it cool like I'm an independent type purely because I wouldn't want anyone to think I would be easy to take advantage of.

This is a very good point. There are folks who look out deliberately for people who have obvious vulnerabilities and do not giving much away in the early stages of a relationship can be a protective thing to do to avoid these types.

Some great suggestions here about what to say. I wish I’d read this thread 10 years ago when everything was raw and I definitely over-shared. But that’s where I was. I wasn’t really ready to be in a new relationship.

Now I’m more comfortable with just telling it as it is. My partner knows what happened and understands how it affects me but it isn’t a big deal.

Exactly what @ComtesseDeSpair said.

I know what you mean OP. I realised over the years that men who come from functional, loving families tend to look for the same thing in a partner. It sucks and is just another way that having a crap family puts you at a disadvantage.

I wouldn't say anything at this stage and even later on, just minimal info. It's something that most people just don't understand unless they've experienced it.

I only raised it because the poster explicitly asked what people say when they judge. I answered based on my own experience. And just to clarify, the comments I mentioned came from people I was still in contact with at the time the estrangement happened, not now.

There isn’t a human culture out there where estrangement from family is not a big thing. Come on?

Yes!!! Thank you.
I actually posted too soon because I was going to say that there are people who instinctively home in on lonely people that are without good support networks, because they are easier to isolate .

I totally get it. I feel the same way. I have been estranged from my son, since he was 9 (now 14), as for my own mental health, I couldn't deal with my ex husband, and how my son was morphing into him (there's a lot more to this) My son wanted to live with his dad full time, and I couldn't keep battling the 2 of them; despite how unwise a decision this would be.

I'll be looking for a new job early next year, and i dread how to frame the conversation to future colleagues.

My experience of estrangement is that it massively reduces the drama, and being strong enough to walk towards the calm, despite the sadness that comes with it, is actually a sign of strength, particularly when the drama is most likely something that has been normalised in your family.

What I do think, if you're dating, especially OLD, is that estrangement often goes hand in hand with a history of trauma, and you need to be awake to the risk of attracting men who are actually looking for someone with a trauma history in the hope that you are fragile and can be abused in due course.

That must be incredibly tough. Would you consider getting some counselling before you start a new job to just work through these feelings, and think through how to manage the inevitable questions?

Don’t forget that other people will have shit going down that they don’t want to be general knowledge. Perhaps a close family member in prison, or a suicide, or a drink driving conviction.

I'm in the same situation so completely understand your hesitation to tell him

When a lot of people hear about your estrangement they have either been there or they judge you because theyve caused someone in their family to be estranged

Its fucking tough. Plus, men often respect you in relation to how much other men respect you. If they find out theres no dad or brother or 'village' looking out for you, their behaviour towards you very much could change

Tbh, I would rather be alone than deal with all of that but I understand you, I think. Hope you get some good advice ❤️

If I were you I'd shut it down and say something like "I'm not willing to discuss the matter." If they mind at least you can move on. I think if you're just dating someone you don't need to discuss it but engaged or further then obviously yes.

Yeah but the point is I wouldn't go full in with being "estranged" I'd just shrug it off with "we're not close" at first until I knew someone really well.