How respond to behaviour like this

[Mistymeg]

I’m learning, in later life, the way we respond to situations and people, is a gift.

A couple we were friends with are seemingly phasing us out. They’re local parent friends, children are drifting apart, all fine.

The challenge I have is the husband is point blank rude to me. He all but rolls his eyes when he sees me, ignores me when we do go to group events with them. We are all in a small tight knit community, and bump into another often. This man is one to offer his help, whether it be running after or watching one of the kids briefly when out, or lift something. A true gentleman. However, recently he watched me struggling In a situation for an hour or so and again just pretended I wasn’t there.

If I try to speak to him, he keeps it as short as possible and walks off, and won’t be back. Won’t say hi to me first. I don’t know what has changed as we were once at one another’s for dinners, play dates and most weekends for walks and such.

I am not a confrontational person, and I don’t mind if people have other priorities, so naturally I would do as I’m doing, just be polite but not make an effort but I’m at a stage now where I feel like just not saying hello and ignoring him, because I’m fed up and also to see what he does. Given I don’t care enough to fix it, I’m happier just taking back a bit of control and stop welcoming someone I see who clearly would rather not be engaged with.

Is that immature?

I don’t see why you have to do anything, though, if the children are drifting apart anyway, and he’s not greeting you, far less talking to you. Just ignore if you’re in his immediate proximity, or a brief nod at most. I’m not sure why you’re ’making an effort’ when he clearly doesn’t want you to, and you’re clearly angry with him too. It’s almost certainly nothing to do with you.

Or are you saying you want to revert to what your relationship used to be like? Almost never possible.

Is his wife still friendly to you?

Either he just doesn't like you, or he fancies you. It'll be a binary, one-or-the-other thing like that. Just ignore him.

He looks annoyed when he sees me, just doesn’t like me and tbh when we were friendly with him he had strong opinions about people he liked and didn’t like. It’s not too surprising.

@CrispShirti don’t make an effort, I say hello first as he doesn’t bother but am probably just going to stop even doing that. The reason to ask why do anything is I bump into then all the time. She is still friendly enough but probably feels awkward I’ve made it onto his hit list lol.

He sounds like a man with a very big chip on his shoulder.

I would ignore him, OP. It's not childish to do so.

I would just ask if he's okay or have you done something to offend him.

If he says you haven't, treat him as he treats you.

He isn’t a true gentlemen, he’s a prick. I would be point blank refusing to acknowledge his existence going forward.

But I still don’t understand why it would be ‘immature’ to stop saying hello to him, when he looks annoyed when you do and never greets you. He’d clearly prefer you didn’t. Greet his wife if she’s there. Otherwise write it off as one of those situational friendships that has gone weird as it dies. Other people’s shit is their shit.

Just ignore him - I’m not sure why you’d do anything else.

Have you asked them what you’ve done to offend/upset them?! There’s clearly been something.

Yes this is the 3rd option. Just not sure it’s in my character to do this. I have a notion of if people make an effort then so will I and if they don’t then I won’t. I don’t like digging or asking, I’m a bit proud like that. I do wonder physiologically whether facing the problem head on as you suggest vs mirroring their actions (ignoring back) leads to any different outcomes. Tbh I’d rather rip the plaster off than entertain this slow phase out. There’s other things that have happened.

Do you know why he's like that? (rightly or wrongly?)

I would just ignore him. Or if you are in the mood, very cheerfully greet him and be over the top, just to piss him off. Or do both, depending on the day. Amuse yourself.

Do you think I should, really? If they’re just trying to phase us out I find this so desperate.

This suggests this friendship wasn’t important to you, if you’re happy to just let it go without understanding what went wrong.
In which case just let it go. Grey rock. Move on.

It’s not desperate; it’s grown-up!
As I said (in a cross post), if the friendship isn’t important to you, then don’t bother. If it is important, find out what happened and try to fix it.
They aren’t just fading you out. The eye rolling, unpleasantness is more than that.

Not unreasonable at all, sounds like you're both done with the friendship so save your energy for people you want to give it to!

I think that’s fair.

It’s uncomfortable when those ‘ friends for a season’ set ups reach fade time, but usually civility remains at the very least! He’s being weird, I’d probably ignore him unless I actually liked him and thought we had had a rapport, in which case I’d ask ‘ what’s up?!’

Whenever a man has behaved like that to women I've known, it is because the wife has picked up on an attraction or he's done the stupid thing of comparing etc and now he's got to completely blank the woman. There's something happened and unless it's between your DH and them, then this isn't on you at all and start to blank him.

You've outlived your usefulness. Therefore he doesn't value you anymore. This has happened to us lots too. It hurts. Especially as I don't make friends easily and am often lonely.
Don't know how I added a giphy! Although it is an appropriate one!!

Where were you that he watched you struggle for an hour?

I’d say his wife is attractive, turned out well, exercises a lot. I scrub up well when I can be bothered, although day to day I’m probably a bit too in my loungewear/comfy/scruffy hair era. Six more months and I will be back to feeling normal I think. My hunch is they think we didn’t make as much effort as they once did and by the time we did, they had new friends and think we are low energy, a bit reactive and not as pristine as they are in how we dress and such. Their new friends dress their children like the Tudor era and talk about ironing around the clock, even the kids Nursey clothes and casual wear.

For me, there’s a big difference between friends drifting apart and someone just being blatantly rude.

If the friendship is phasing out? Fine. Be cordial when you come into contact and it doesn’t need to go any further than that if either party is no longer interested in the friendship.
But him being rude like that? I’d have to ask him wtf his problem is. (But then again, I’m quite a confrontational person!)

But you sound as if you think this couple are awful, if you think the main appeal of their new friends for them is a shared bond over ironing and ultra-clean children clad in period garb. If so, I wouldn’t give either of them another thought.

It doesn't sound as if you are finding the way you respond to this to be a "gift" at all. You've obviously given it a lot of thought to the point of ruminating about it.

Who knows why he is doing this. I suspect other posters may have hit the nail on the head!

However, a valuable tip I was given with regard to reacting to the way friends treat you is to simply match their energy.

If you think a friend is distancing themselves and you really don't know why, then adopt the same temperature. So, for example, if they cancel two coffee/play dates with a rubbish excuse, then don't fall over yourself to re-arrange: a breezy, 'Not to worry, see you after Christmas' is the type of reply to give.

If they are dropping you, then they won't have the satisfaction of thinking you are upset about it and if they aren't, well let them make a positive move towards you, as they can see that you are a person who respects your own time, not a rag rub.

Match their energy...always!