To feel hurt by this

[PixieAndProsecco]

I think I've posted something similar before, if not then previous posts may highlight bigger issues within my immediate family and shed more light.

I feel like I've hit the point where, for my own self and feelings, I need to go low contact with my mum and sister (not as much my dad) and it's something I'm struggling to accept.

My sister has always been my mum's favourite child, always. She was never the one who got in trouble, always me as the older sister. There are a number of times where my mum clearly took her side but as a child I didn’t realise it was wrong, and as an adult I've just stuck some rose coloured glasses on. One example I can think of is when my sister and I were younger (I'm talking less than 10 years old), she kept leaving her stuff in my room. So like any 8 or 9 year old I got annoyed and threw it out, however one of her teddies went a bit too far and landed in the toilet (clean, before anyone asks). As a result my sister took a cable and repeatedly chased me and whipped me across the back, arms, legs, and left big red welts. My mum told me it was my fault as I annoyed her and being a child you accept it.

Fast forward to being a grown up and my sister and I did grow closer, both of us realising that our mum was not a good person. She fed us, kept us warm, clothed us etc but she wasnt a good mum. She never attended any sports events, never showed any interest in our lives, and due to her own mental health left us with significant amounts of trauma (mostly me as I was older and could remember). One time my mum tried to jump out a moving car as she was drunk and didnt want to leave the party we were at. I fully remember her opening the car door as we were on a dual carriageway, unclipping the seat belt, me screaming from the back and trying to hold onto her, my dad trying to keep his hand on the steering wheel and across her chest. My sister wasnt there and denies it happened, because my mum denies it.

To everyone else though my mum appears kind and generous, would do anything for anyone.

However, as a result of our childhood my sister and I have slowly become two different people. I don't expect anything from my mum, or anyone else, and I don't ask for anything (I have never asked for a birthday present etc). My sister on the other hand will forever ask my mum for things as she knows my mum will do it, almost like a way of buying that affection and love or forgiveness for our childhood.
I have tried to maintain a semi-distance from my mum as a result, my sister not so much as she is forever wanting from them.

My sister has had holidays paid for, garden renovations, house renovations, car down payments, and has barely ever paid it back in full or on time. My mum would whinge to me constantly about this and I'd just nod along because there was no point in saying anyrhing as my mum would never stop, and my sister won't either.

It's now growing to the point where my mum barely interacts with me at all. She claims she cannot come see me as she has a bad leg and cannot drive (a 10 minute door to door drive). However she can go to the gym with my sister, lunches, days out, help with renovations etc.
I have two children and my sister has none, my mum sees my sisters dog more times than her grandchildren. My mum wouldn't cancel a gym class to watch my youngest for a few hours so that I could attend a seminar at uni, for a presentation that made up 30% of my grade, but would cancel it to go on holiday or an overnight with my sister.

My final straw has come recently. My sister wants to go away on holiday for her big birthday. My mum has said her and my dad will go, and she'll pay for my sister too. My sister is annoyed that I've said I can't go due to finances. My mum hasn't once said she'd help, ever, never been brought up. They're both happy to be annoyed and disappointed I can't go though.
For my similar big birthday my mum begrudged paying for a dinner for me. I know if I suggested a holiday I'd have been told no, or been told I was paying for myself, while my mum paid for my sister too.

I feel like I am rambling a bit but this has been the straw which broke the camels back, so to speak. I am so tired of my mum treating my sister so blatantly better than me, for my sister being the favourite, for it to be so obvious too. Like have a favourite but so it sneakily.

It isn't about the holiday, I wouldnt accept her offer even if she did offer, its just about the fact she wouldnt ever offer for me. However, it feels like after putting up with so much having this be the straw is a bit ridiculous and does make it seem like i am being unreasonable.

I just don't know how to feel, and I know it isn't really an AIBU but when it comes to my mum (and family) I don't really know if I am being reasonable or not to feel the way I do, because of everything that's happened.

So much so odd

you don’t like your mother or sister
and they don’t like you
your mother gave you a very fucked up cChildhood

in your shoes, I’d have nothing to do with her and wouldn’t have my children around her

It's now growing to the point where my mum barely interacts with me at all

so why would you think she’d pay for you to go on holiday?

and your dad is oddly a background figure

YWNBU to distance yourself from them. Your Mum sounds awful and your Sister sounds like she’s just out to milk them for all she can.

Im sorry you had a shitty childhood. Do what you need to in order to protect yourself from the constant let down.

Your mum and your sister are not very nice. They aren’t going to change. I’d be LC if I was you - actually I’d be NC but you may feel that’s too far. Why interact with people who constantly show they feel you are less important, must be shit for your self esteem. Where’s your dad in this? Passively ignoring? Or does he stand up for you?

I don't think it's odd.

For a long time, and even now, I could acknowledge that my mother gave me a childhood that, in some ways, was better than a lot of my peers - we never went without, always had the latest whatever, holidays, trips, clubs etc. However, that doesn’t negate the rampant abuse, both physical and psychological (which was often worse).

My sister and I were/are best friends for the past 10 or so years, once we both grew up. However, I had rose coloured glasses on when it came to the relationship between the three of us.

I think as I've grown up more, had my own children, I've started to remove those glasses and that's where I am noticing these things. But I don't know if I'm being ridiculous because maybe some parents do have favourites, maybe parents express how they feel differently, maybe my sister needs that whereas I actively try to avoid it.

As I said, I am so very confused and that is in no small part caused by my childhood and the feelings I am left with as a result.

But it would seem your mother has been seriously withdrawing from you for ages so going LC / NC will presumably not be a source of upset for her?

is your sister divorced? Live with them?

The relationship is broken and has been for a long time it would seem

My sister is annoyed that I've said I can't go due to finances.

your sister doesn’t sound great either

My dad is a victim of abuse too, which I know many people don't seem to acknowledge when it comes to men.

My mum was the higher earner, my dad had his own business (not a big business, simply doing the job he did every day since he was 16). My mum transferred everything into her name as my dad was self employed, should anything go wrong.

My mum tried to kill him twice, as far as I can remember, but no charges were brought and there was no police involvement. She also belittled him constantly, threw things at him, hit him etc.

She drank a lot, and he did too, although he was definitely more of an alcoholic than she was. I've no doubt he stayed because he didn't want to leave us, and knew we wouldn't be able to go with him as he couldn't afford it. I also think we wouldn't have wanted to go with him, as my mum tried to poison us against him.

He's sober now, but still with her, and he is a present parent and grandparent. However he is still very much a victim of abuse and I'll never judge him for not being able to leave that situation.

Why did you ask this person to have sole care of your children?

She probably wouldn't care no, and possibly wouldn't even notice.

My sister is married, and lives in her own home.
Even the entire weddings were different. My mum gave me a set amount, so she could tell her friends she contributed. She wasn't interested otherwise.
She paid for my sisters entire wedding venue, went to every appointment etc.

I think id go no contact with your mum & sister, and just see your dad on his own. You will feel better for it, see a therapist too.

Because she was the only person I had.

She also isn't as bad as she was. As an adult I can acknowledge that she was going through a serious mental health crisis and had her own unresolved trauma.

She isn't abusive, in that sense, anymore.

Are you okay? You seem to be picking arguments in everything that I am saying.

I think I probably do need it.

I've gone so far the opposite way, and have such lasting issues, that even feeling like I might annoy or upset her makes me feel as though I am in the wrong.

It's so difficult to navigate and to unpack my own feelings.
She was an awful person at times, but she also had awful things happen to her.
She was an awful parent to me at times, but also have me a lot of experiences and opportunities.
She was an awful parent to me at times, but was a better grandparent when my children were younger.
She was a better grandparent when my children were younger, but now she isn't interested in them.

Even with my sister its the same confusion. She has a lot of her own trauma to unpack, and maybe its not her fault she is the favourite, and maybe she should stop the milking it, but also why would she if it makes her life easier.

It's a mess.

That's exactly it.
I stayed to have bins thrown at my head, bruises left, permanent trauma, relationship issues all because i hope my mum will pay for a holiday for me too.

It's nothing to do with dealing with the obviously complex nature of abuse.

Well done.

Op please don’t ask your mother to look after your children ever again

and it is you that is constantly mentioning money

The jumping out of the car incident - It's weird that your sister doesn't believe it happened when she wasn't there.

What does she say when your dad confirms that it did happen?

It is mentioned because, in context, it is relevant. It is how she is buying my sisters favour, or how the favouritism is shown quite clearly.

At no point have I said "I want that too". I've actually said I don't ask for anything, expect anything, or want anything. However you've glossed over that.

You said you already keep a semi distance relationship - essentially low contact. Your mother reflects this back at you with her behaviour.

At some point as adults we have to accept our parent are who they are. We cannot change them or change the past qnd sometimes lables arw unhelpful. Just learn to make peace with the facts as they are.

My mum denies it, my dad will never talk about any of the incidents from our childhood.

I remember more, as I was older I have more lived experiences of it and I think there may have been an element of her brain blocking out some of them.

I mean, we both remember my parents coming home from the pub, my mum trying to strangle my dad repeatedly, us screaming bloody murder, my phoning my grandparents and asking them to come to our house (at 1am), the neighbours phoning the police, my mum throwing a disposable razor at my dad and the head popping off and bouncing into my bed and cutting me, and my grandparents and the police arriving. We both remember us having to go to an aunts house for 2 or 3 days, my mum staying in the home and my dad going to my grandparents. We both remember it not going any further as no one could corroborate what was said and my dad being too scared to say anything.

We remember those incidents, but the jumping out the car is a step too far.

I am genuinely too scared to bring it up with my mum, and as I said my dad just shuts it down. However he is also a victim.

And how do you make peace with it?

Because I thought I had, until this latest thing about my sister's birthday. Even the videos of them on holiday together just now, that I wasnt invited to, weren't bothering me.

There is no rhyme nor reason to the things that cause upset.

There is something I learned a few years back - cannot change the way people behave, only how you react to it. That's the only part you control. If your family make you unhappy, then do what you need to do to protect yourself. Hugs.

Very true and I suppose that is something that I need to learn how to manage. However, I don't know how to learn it because speaking to someone in real life makes it all just seem a bit too real. It was always real, and is always real, but I don't know how to bring it into my current real life without falling apart.

If your mother hardly interacts with you, is it you contacting her?