Husband being tight with money

[Babymomma47]

Weve had a really tough couple of years. My husband lost his job and I’ve thrown myself into my career to get a promotion. We’ve really been penny counting it’s been so stressful and I’ve cut down on food shop going out holidays clothes etc. I earn quite well and even with my promotion I kept in tight. At one point we thought we might lose the house and never been through this before so it’s been so hard. I think I’ve started to resent this and blame him for it. Anyway he has a new job thankfully and things are on the up although we do have debt but still I can breathe a sigh of relief and so have been buying things for the houses nothing experience and some cheap bits from SHEIN as felt like I’d earned it. Anyway the other day he was finalising our online shop and he said wow do you really need sparkling water! We have water in the tap. That is a bit extravagant. He would never say that about a bottle of wine or biscuits or chocolate. I can’t face talking to him and think how ungrateful he is of all the sacrifice I’ve made for him. The whole sparkling water makes me think can I even stay married to him. It cost 5 quid I spend more than that on lunch. Please help. He’s realised am not talking to him but can’t work out why. Am I being unreasonable.

You’re being incredibly unreasonable if you’re not talking to him so he doesn’t know why.
Use. Your. Words.

I think he is seeing it from the perspective that you have been through significant financial worries and still have debt which should be your focus.

Giving people the silent treatment is abusive.

You're being really childish. Not speaking to him? really?

Grow up and speak to him. Tell him why you want the water. And suggest instead that you don't buy wine or biscuits.

My dad nearly died and had to give up work through not fault of his own and my mum had to go full time and climb the career ladder. It's what you do when you're a couple and should not cause resentment.

Or are you saying your husband deliberately got himself sacked then has been doing nothing ever since and making no effort to get a job?

I am quite comfortably off, but no way would I spend a fiver on a bottle of sparkling water. I can see his point. But, don’t not talk to him! Just say ‘I’ll buy whatever I want, I don’t need approval.’ Having said that, I agree with him totally. Splash out on fillet steak, posh chocolate and good smoked salmon but fucking hell, water????

Don’t use silent treatment, it’s awful behaviour.

£5 does seem abit extravagant on sparkling water?

Sounds like he’s been scarred from a very stressful time and continuing to watch the pennies (within reason) to pay down debt and rebuild your savings seems sensible. Is he constantly nit picking at you or was it just the one comment about the fizzy water because in isolation it really does not sound that bad. And £5 is a lot for water! Best bet going forward might be to look at your budget and agree an amount each that you get every month for treats. Then not only does that reduce the stress for him because the amount has been pre agreed but you can buy whatever you want with your pot without him questioning it.

It cost 5 quid I spend more than that on lunch.

Perhaps his reaction to the water is the culmination of what he thinks is generally unnecessary spending, like buying lunches regularly rather than making them, when you still have debt. Not talking to him isn’t going to get you anywhere, it’s just going to turn the situation into a much bigger thing than it needs to be and generate animosity. You need to agree on what you each see as the non-negotiables when it comes to buying the things you want without feeling you have to “ask permission.”

The. manipulative behaviour of "the silent treatment' is far worse than questioning the shopping bill.

From his point of view you still have debt that needs to be paid. Instead you are spending more than £5 per lunch and £5 on a bottle of sparkling water. I can’t see why he sees that as unnecessarily frivolous when you are also presumably paying interest on the debt.

If money is tight then he's completely correct. And yes I'd also question the wine / biscuits if funds are tight, but they don't come out of the tap for a fraction of a penny.

Did you husband get made redundant or was he sacked from his job? If it was the former, then it’s really not his fault and you need to move past feel resentful to him.

He should have e pressed his views like that but it sounds like he a point. You went through a tough time, and thankfully things are better now but it sounds like you're not out of the woods yet. A little extravagance is OK, but could you be taking it a bit too far than it really should at this point.

Talk to him. Things are only going ro get much worse if you are fuelling on resentment.

Yes it’s tight fisted. But agree a budget and stick to it for food shopping and reasonably allow for individual purchases. Husband the same when I wanted a case of still water. It was less than £2 and had the whole it’s in the tap.

But I don’t spend £5 on lunch and £5 on water is a lot!

in sure he eats more than you and you don’t penny pinch it back.

I am sorry OP that sounds very annoying. I think people are missing that you are the higher earner, have turned the ship around and are successfully paying off your debts. There is nothing wrong with treats, I am in a position atm to be able to buy what I need, but I have been at the crackers for tea stage with no money coming in. I think that some on here will be surprised that some of the debt charities will factor in the cost of a lottery ticket, because they do not want to take away hope from clients. So get your fizzy water and enjoy it… there are plenty of other occasions when you can drink tap water.

Also, would be interesting to know how many actually pay off their credit cards each month, yet still buy chocolate rather than paying down their cards…

Spending money on lunch instead of taking from home, plus sparkling water and tat from places like SHEIN, would annoy me too if we had debt.

First off don't give silent treatment talk to personally I think its fine to treat yourself considering everything you've done for him while he didn't work enjoy your treats

This. Its abusive.

This isn’t about sparkling water!

The real issue here, I suspect, is that you understandably resented your dh for losing his job and putting you through such a stressful couple of years, and perhaps that you don’t feel he has expressed sufficient acknowledgment of your contribution, throwing yourself in to your career and keeping you both going on one wage. Or that you resent him telling you what to do now, when you saved the day!

And although you couldn’t say anything at the time when the crisis was ongoing, now he has another job, him controlling the budget irritates you, because you weren’t the one that caused the crisis in the first place.

Was there an issue with how he lost his first job? Or was it just one of those things?

There is a lot you need to discuss op! Remaining silent and expecting him to guess what is on your mind isn’t going to work! Have a calm discussion like mature adults.

I can assure you if he has been out of work that he will be acutely aware that you've been carrying the family financially, he will be acutely aware of debt and the interest it's costing you both, and he will be determined to try and get things stable.

To see you justify a £5 bottle of water - which is frankly an unnecessary luxury in your situation - by saying that you spend more than that on lunch really does not paint you in a positive light.

For comparison, I try to feed my family of four for under £5 during the week.

First, we would tell a woman whose husband was giving her the silent treatment that he was being abusive and that she should make plans to leave him.

Second, if your justification for spending money on something not needed is that you had spent even more on something else unneeded, your DH has a point that you have no financial sense.

Why are you blaming your husband for your financial woes?

Was he sacked for misconduct? Did he not try to find another job?

YADBU for giving him the silent treatment and not telling him why.

I always buy bottles of water when I go shopping, about 5 or 6 quids worth but it's multipacks of individual bottles. Maybe ops getting loads of it (we also used to buy sparkling water in bulk back in the day)

Inveteratewinedrinker

For comparison, I try to feed my family of four for under £5 during the week.

Out of interest, is this just for lunches or does it include breakfast and dinner too?

I know already everyone has piled on about the silent treatment, but you need to understand that in John Gottman terms, the very esteemed relationship psychologist, it has been identified as one of the ‘four Horsemen of the apocalypse’.

That side, if we did a role reversal, what would it look like to you? Your husband saying the same things about you? in a relationship you both need to make sacrifice and effort to get out of deep dark holes.

I also presumed the water was a multipack. Think everyone being harsh to the OP and maybe her reaction was down to how her husband has behaved during this difficult time for them both.

Has he been as focussed on getting a new job and managing the debt as his wife? Has he been appreciative of what OP achieved in work and how she has carried them? Has the worry and stress been shared?

If the answer to above questions is no then I can fully understand why OP is angry. Sulking isn't acceptable but I don't think OP is wrong to be resentful.

Yes it's petty and mean to tell her she can't spend £5 on what's most likely a multi pack of sparkling water.