TW: Child abuse - Not sure whether I should look into this more or not.

[Newnameforthissubject]

Hi all. I’ve posted here before under different usernames about my childhood and my upbringing and got a lot of good advice, thank you all for that. I’ve recently learned something else that may or may not be true, but is significant and I honestly don’t know what to do with this information.

Im going to try and ‘nutshell’ this -

my mum was very young when she had me. She told me very often that she deliberately got pregnant with me so my dad would marry her and she could move out. Religious family background (her, not me) abortion was never an option, if you got pregnant you married the father and that was that. I was told, often, that my mum got pregnant intentionally so that my dad would marry her and she could leave her childhood home. That childhood home consisted of a lot of sexual abuse from her father, he regularly raped her and some of her siblings (not all of them)

Ive recently learned from an older relative that apparently my mum was already pregnant by her own father at the time and he made her marry my dad to cover his own tracks.

I’m at a complete loss tbh. I don’t know what to think, how to feel and I can’t stop throwing up.

You do not have to tell them, whatever the result.

You are their big sister. That doesn't change.

There aren’t any motivations, she is quite elderly and has dementia. I don’t know what to think mainly as I’m told some things she talks about will be her misremembering things or crossing memories, and also that some things she will remember with perfect clarity. She was just just casually chatting and this came out.

They’re all younger than me but they’re all adults. Youngest is 29.

How awful for you. I think it would be a good idea to have a DNA test with your siblings.

Op are there likely to be any genetic implications for your own health or your children?

I think genetic counseling would be smart.

i Hope you get the right support from people who specialise in this area. They’ll tell you what the common responses are and support you making the decision for dna etc. you don’t need to rush.

My view if you deserve the truth if that’s what you want and other people aka family just need to get into line.

Not the same but when sexual abuse was uncovered in my family from a generation ago people did have varying responses. Some disbelieved my relative. Some half believed her. Or believed her for a while and then didn’t believe her. It was a bit nuts. Mostly I think she deserved the truth to be spoken and the support. The treatment she endured as a child was crazy making nevermind the abuse.

I hope this doesn’t sound patronising- how amazingly you’ve done.

@Newnameforthissubject I come from a family with incest too, you are not alone and unfortunately it is way more common than people like to think.

There will be posters who respond here who shouldn’t because they do not have a good understanding of the issues and if those posters lack sensitivity it is actually cruel of them to respond so try your best to ignore them.

This is an enormous shock for you and one which you will need to process ideally with specialist help from people who do get. Survivor groups would be of huge benefit to speak to. You are bound to feel like your whole world is turning upside down and right side up at the same time as all of those feelings you had in childhood make sense but equally the enormity of the reality you have to face sinks in. You will process this situation. You will be ok in time but for the moment it is time to pull up the drawbridge and take really good care of yourself. I remember I learned of the scale of the incest and dysfunction in my own family and even though I too had been a victim it was completely harrowing for me. I did process it I did move forward and I have been able to have an amazing life that I have huge gratitude for, you will get through this stage. You are worthy and like I had to learn it doesn’t matter that your parents can’t accept that in time you can.

I'm so sorry OP. It isn't something I have personal experience of, though I have worked with many people in similar situations (social work) and sadly it is a lot more common than people think. As others have mentioned there are a number of different 'survivors' organisations that you might find helpful if you want support from people in similar situations, or someone more neutral. I hope you can find peace with things eventually, it is a shit situation and you don't deserve any of it.

No. I am in zero contact with my parents.

From a clinical perspective I would have your own DNA tested first. This will give you a good enough indication as to whether your biological
parents were related. I would do this in order to understand any genetic risk to my own children.

then you can deal with the facts once you have them. Your test could come back confirming your dad is your dad…. And this is just a rumour from long ago.

You need to avoid spiralling without all the information you need to understand what happened.