TW: Child abuse - Not sure whether I should look into this more or not.

[Newnameforthissubject]

Hi all. I’ve posted here before under different usernames about my childhood and my upbringing and got a lot of good advice, thank you all for that. I’ve recently learned something else that may or may not be true, but is significant and I honestly don’t know what to do with this information.

Im going to try and ‘nutshell’ this -

my mum was very young when she had me. She told me very often that she deliberately got pregnant with me so my dad would marry her and she could move out. Religious family background (her, not me) abortion was never an option, if you got pregnant you married the father and that was that. I was told, often, that my mum got pregnant intentionally so that my dad would marry her and she could leave her childhood home. That childhood home consisted of a lot of sexual abuse from her father, he regularly raped her and some of her siblings (not all of them)

Ive recently learned from an older relative that apparently my mum was already pregnant by her own father at the time and he made her marry my dad to cover his own tracks.

I’m at a complete loss tbh. I don’t know what to think, how to feel and I can’t stop throwing up.

I think you should do some serious thinking - probably with the help of a therapist - where you explore the possible consequences of whatever you find out, and then decide what you are going to do. If you find out your dad isn't your biological father it's going to be a lot to process, but equally what if he is? Then you are still left wondering why you are treated differently from siblings. There's also the argument made above that it's better to focus on now and the future, since you can't change the past anyway, and your grandfather is dead.

What do you think are the motivations of the person who told you this?

But it sounds like you're not ready to just set this aside and focus on the now, so I think it's important you seek support to work through this.

But the whole thing will be all mixed up now she knows, and maybe before she knew explicitly. Her mother being subject to that level of abuse, the abuse she suffered as a child and the way she's then been treated by her parents as a child will all be playing into her mental health issues. Mental health problems need treating holistically.

OP, I agree about calling the crisis line if you have one and about booking a GP appointment.

OP, I'm so sorry you've learned this. What an utterly horrendous, shattering thing.

I think a PP's advice to contact incest help groups is probably the best thing you can do. You will likely experience many powerful emotions, grief and anger and violation. To get through this painful journey safely, you should be with people who know how to guide you through it.

This sounds incredibly hard do you actually want to find out the.truth because that in itself is going to be traumatic
Is there any specialist support ,for this, even if its on line?

I do have children. I do have substantial MH issues. I do everything that I possibly can to help myself. I utilise every available resource and I put in the work. This is not a ‘distraction’

You sound patronising. And calling this horrific news a "distraction" is nuts.

I’ve had a ‘team’ since I was 10. I will see one of the team on Tuesday. I will tell her then.

Of course OP is going to tell her MH team about this! Duh

AND she wants to talk to us about what she's learned.

Who are you to shut her down here with soothing pats on the head? Jeez

Thank you for this. For reasons unknown, some people online really like to come across as though they be would so superior to you in your circumstances, whilst never having experienced anything you are talking about.

Obviously the MH and this news are connected. You can't deal with one without dealing with the other. 🙄but sure OP shouldn't be 'distracted' by this.

OP, I have no idea what to say, how awful to find out 💐

Honestly I think you’re totally right about that, but your initial comments seemed to be suggesting she try to ignore this topic until she’s improved her mental health. That just doesn’t seem reasonable because a) her mental health may be a very long term situation which isn’t about to improve any time soon (obviously we all hope it does), and b) presumably her family background and abuse is at the root of her MH troubles and how can she try to improve her MH while the whole foundation of her life is in question.

She’s asking herself whether she was abused by her grandfather or her father for goodness sake, and whether her “dad” was a shit father or an unwilling stepfather. Huge huge traumatic questions. Yes get support yes don’t feel rushed into discovering anything. I agree. But the idea of putting this to one side until “better” just doesn’t seem feasible in this case.

Ah it looks like poor OP has been targeted by a time waster. Anyway OP hopefully it’s a comfort that we all support you.

This is massive and I’m really sorry for you to have learned this information. I also went through (different but also terrible) childhood experiences that nobody can relate to and it’s actually very isolating. I’m glad you have mental health support and CBT - can you talk to your therapist about this new information? People saying that the now is what matters - yes, of course, but that is not validating your experience, this is a huge thing you’re having to face now. I think I would try and find out if your dad who brought you up isn’t your father but only if you feel strong enough to face the fact he is likely not. So you know, what then? This is where specialist counselling really would be vital and yes the health stuff is important but not, in my opinion, biggest part of this.

OP, a friend of mine went through a similar discovery. When the penny dropped, in her early 20s, she went through a really difficult period. In a way, you're in a somewhat better position than her, because she didn't have a support team at the time. She flailed around for 15 years, unable to process what she had learned, until one day she told a therapist. Then she got the MH care she needed.

She's now doing really well. She's one of those women people gravitate towards, especially girls and young women, because she has such dignity and strength. It's power forged in fire, of course.

I hope you will also find solace and eventually peace.

It has occurred to me to try this but the results wouldn’t just impact me? I don’t know if I could manage my brothers finding out I’m not really their big sister. There’s so much I’ve kept to myself already, I don’t envisage a time where I spill everything and they look at me differently

How old are your brothers?