To not bring my DM on this trip

[Pimplepop]

I have 2 teenage girls and we are going on a pre Christmas city break. It’s a place i am often in for work and a place they have been to several times so this is less about sightseeing -
more about christmassy stuff and shopping.
My DM has dropped several hints about wanting to come along (i’ve brought her to this city twice already) I would like to bring her but the issue I have is that I can navigate and balance the needs of 2 teens but adding in my mother will make it more tricky. She won’t want to do all the things they want to do and also she won’t be able to go at their pace.
I do feel quite mean but I just want a nice weekend where I’m not trying to balance or navigate different needs - AIBU

Are you close to your mother?
Are your teen girls close to her?

what are your teens view on this?

Assuming you generally get on....

I'd just say the girls want 1:1 time with you and you'd love to spend time with her 1:1 too... so why dont you go together (just you two) on a different weekend.

If you’ve brought her already I’d just say ‘ah don’t worry we’ll do it together another time!’

Having been in this situation I would say don’t do it. I found that I was pandering to my mum’s needs and I missed out on a nice bonding weekend with my girls. My mum expected me to be chatting to her all the time and was sulky when I wanted to talk to my girls. I really regret it looking back. Take your girls away and take your mum a different time where she gets the attention. Don’t feel guilty. You need to enjoy it too.

I’ve had a similar problem in the past with a friend (no daughters) who wanted to join me and DD on trips away. I made all sorts of excuses but in the end just had to be upfront and say that we needed time together. I then took a separate trip with my friend.

@Robustbutt We are close and the girls love her but they also have their trip planned and as @Luna6 said I will end up pandering to my Mum and if I don’t she will be annoyed. Understandably she can’t get up and out early and she likes a few drinks at night so it just changes the dynamic.

We have been away this year together already

@Tryingatleast I think this is what I need to do - take her on my next work trip and book a day off at the end

I’d just keep ignoring her hints 🙈 Have your DDs heard any of her hints, would they be happy or not for her to come along?

@Coconutter24 Oh yes they have heard the hints and they have said nothing as I think they know that if she comes the dynamic completely changes and in typical selfish teenager style they want their weekend !

Why not frame it to your DM that you’ve actually let the teens take the lead on planning and it’s a trip centred around them, less so you but you know it will be lovely for them. You’ve had the idea to do a future one with your DM so she should get thinking what her ideal trip to this location includes.

I'd be upfront about it but I'm pretty direct as a person and say no not this time. Your girls deserve the weekend they want.

I have been your mother in this scenario recently. My DCs were arranging going to a gig that I would have enjoyed. They initially suggested me coming along, and then the issue of getting home came about. It was going to be a rush to get the last train home, and Ubers would have cost a fortune, plus I can only walk slowly generally.

I decided for them that I wouldn't go & they appreciated it. My mother is the opposite, and has a history of guilt tripping me when I do anything nice and don't include her.

Over my own dead body will I be like that with my DCs. Mn is full of selfish mothers who think their DCs owe them something, and oftentimes it's the parents who really didn't put a whole lot of effort into parenting back in the day, who have this sense of entitlement that they deserve to be ncluded in everything.

Enjoy your precious times with your DDs without your mother, OP!

@PhaseFour That was nicely done by you. A shame you couldn’t enjoy it though

Then I think I’d definitely ignore her hints or if she mentions her coming along I’d just tell her no, it’s a trip for you and your DDs and you’d like the alone time with them

Your DM sounds very demanding if she thinks she should be included in every thing you have planned.
Surely she can see you and your DD deserve to have time together without her tagging along ?
I would ignore her hints. And if she has the cheek to outright ask to come along then just explain you want to enjoy the trip just with your DD.

Have a fabulous pre-Christmas weekend with your girls.

To add your mum would change the dynamics. You’re not being mean.

If she is hinting can you ignore it as a direct ask, and plan your next trip with her,? So she has something to look forward to? If she comes out and asks just be Truthful and say it is a busy weekend and you had planned it with just them and if her feelings get a bit hurt I think that is for her to sort out.

It isn't selfish to want time with their mum or do their own thing, I know you were replying to someone else, but i don't think they are being negatively selfish.

We did this once and found it hard as the trip changed from what we planned. Teen DD and me like to plough on and see as much local stuff as we can. DM walks slowly and likes to keep stopping for a coffee break and wandering around charity shops.

We did a city break but DD and me felt like we missed out on some of the things we would have seen because of the amount of time we spent having coffee or browsing charity shops.

I can go to coffee shops and charity shops all I want when I'm at home. I don't see the point of spending time and money just to visit a different branch someplace else.

I just had to say sorry DM but your wants on a city break don't align with what we want to do so we've never done one again.

Of course you don’t have to take your mother on every trip you go on. It’s perfectly normal to do things with just your own kids. Not everything in life has to include every generation of your family! People are allowed to do things independently.

I'd just ignore the hints. I absolutely bloody hate "hinters".

your dc deserve to have the trip they want and you should be able to make the memories with them! She sounds very difficult and you would have a miserable time trying to please her. Tell her straight that not this time. If she pushes you, add a packed itinerary of stuff with lots of activity and early morning starts. Tell her she wouldn’t enjoy it and would be alone.

Your mum's also being selfish though.. we're all conditioned to say it more readily about teens than we do about older people. When all are as capable of it!

Agree with saying straight out it'll be too much and not a trip she'll enjoy. Remind her that she came with you on a trip earlier this year. Now it's the girls' turn.