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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not bring my DM on this trip

41 replies

Pimplepop · 15/11/2025 07:55

I have 2 teenage girls and we are going on a pre Christmas city break. It’s a place i am often in for work and a place they have been to several times so this is less about sightseeing -
more about christmassy stuff and shopping.
My DM has dropped several hints about wanting to come along (i’ve brought her to this city twice already) I would like to bring her but the issue I have is that I can navigate and balance the needs of 2 teens but adding in my mother will make it more tricky. She won’t want to do all the things they want to do and also she won’t be able to go at their pace.
I do feel quite mean but I just want a nice weekend where I’m not trying to balance or navigate different needs - AIBU

OP posts:
WelshRabBite · 15/11/2025 11:19

You’ve had your mother-daughter trips there with her already.

Now is your time for your mother-daughter trip with your daughters.

Amy454 · 15/11/2025 11:24

This sounds absolutely suffocating. You need to have far better boundaries. Why does your DM even need to know what trips you are going on?

Gettingbysomehow · 15/11/2025 11:31

I wouldn't have told her I was going in the first place.

CountryGirlInTheCity · 15/11/2025 12:18

Ignore the hints and be prepared to speak up and be clear if she still pushes it. ‘Not this time mum, this is just for me and the girls.’ You don’t have to explain beyond that.

She’s got a real nerve if you ask me! My nan was like this - always muscled in if mum was doing something just with her kids and then wanted everyone pandering to her needs. My mum gave in to it every time and it’s taken a long time for me to work through the resentful feelings about that. Your girls deserve some of your time and your DM needs to learn to accept that.

I just can’t imagine doing this to my own DD. If I wanted to spend some time with her I’d make arrangements to do that, but I wouldn’t expect an invitation every time she does something nice with someone else!!

Wishimaywishimight · 15/11/2025 12:36

"Navigating different needs" is making a bit of a meal of things imo! How hard is it to suss out a couple of things each person wants to do and work out a rough itinerary for the trip. Sometimes do stuff together, other times split into groups of 2 if people want to do different things.

Seems a little unkind to leave your mum out if she wants to spend time with you.

LoveSandbanks · 15/11/2025 12:59

You want a few days centered around your daughters. If your mother comes along the entire trip will be centered around her with your daughters tagging along. Either ignore her hints or bluntly tell her that it’s their trip.

And when she tells you that she’d never have left her mother out of a trip like this, ask her how many trips were actually organised by her for her mother and her daughter!

TomatoSandwiches · 15/11/2025 13:00

Your priority is your DDs so I would just ignore the hints and do what you said, book an extra day during a work trip.

lazyarse123 · 15/11/2025 13:02

Wishimaywishimight · 15/11/2025 12:36

"Navigating different needs" is making a bit of a meal of things imo! How hard is it to suss out a couple of things each person wants to do and work out a rough itinerary for the trip. Sometimes do stuff together, other times split into groups of 2 if people want to do different things.

Seems a little unkind to leave your mum out if she wants to spend time with you.

The op and her girls have already made an itinerary of what they want to do. Op wants to do all these things with her girls. Her mum has already been to this city.
Not everybody has to be included every time.

Ellie56 · 15/11/2025 14:43

I think trips with your mum and children work ok when the children are small. In fact my children were always delighted when we went on a trip with grandparents in their early years.

But when those children are old enough to voice their own opinions and preferences it doesn't work. You either have to be mum or daughter; you can't be both at the same time.

shesaysshestiredoflifeshemustbetiredofsomething · 15/11/2025 16:43

Wishimaywishimight · 15/11/2025 12:36

"Navigating different needs" is making a bit of a meal of things imo! How hard is it to suss out a couple of things each person wants to do and work out a rough itinerary for the trip. Sometimes do stuff together, other times split into groups of 2 if people want to do different things.

Seems a little unkind to leave your mum out if she wants to spend time with you.

The itinerary is already planned, why does that have to be changed because someone who wasn't invited wants to tag along? It's "unkind" of OP's mother to impose on the trip, not for OP not to invite her.

Original poster
Pimplepop · 15/11/2025 17:55

@Wishimaywishimight I agree to a point but I’ve visited this city with my DM and girls before and we did this - bits of what everyone wanted to do.

The issue is around the pace and the type of break - DM will simply not be able to keep up with DDs pace and christmas markets, shops this time of year etc are full on

OP posts:
Original poster
Pimplepop · 15/11/2025 17:57

Ellie56 · 15/11/2025 14:43

I think trips with your mum and children work ok when the children are small. In fact my children were always delighted when we went on a trip with grandparents in their early years.

But when those children are old enough to voice their own opinions and preferences it doesn't work. You either have to be mum or daughter; you can't be both at the same time.

This articulates exactly what I feel.
I end up completely torn in two on these type of trips

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 15/11/2025 18:05

I would ignore any hints. I only deal with direct communication - as an adult I expect people to have a conversation about things they want to do, not hope that other people pick up on their hinting.

If she directly asked to come I would happily say, 'Not this time, Mum. It's a trip for me and the girls to have some time together. You and I will do something another time if you like'.

CountryGirlInTheCity · 15/11/2025 18:10

Pimplepop · 15/11/2025 17:57

This articulates exactly what I feel.
I end up completely torn in two on these type of trips

Show quote history

So don’t do it. Are you somewhat afraid of your mum’s reaction? Are you used to doing what she says and/or not doing things that might upset her? Does she guilt trip you into doing what she wants? I’m guessing so as you still don’t seem to have decided what to do.

My mum was like this - she would often say ‘I feel so torn’ but she ALWAYS did what suited her mum and my DSis and I had to just take the leftovers. She just wouldn’t stand up to her mum and put us first, even once. We both love her very much but it took a long time to get over that. I’m obviously biased because of this but if you can stick to your guns I think your relationship with your girls will benefit long term as well as short term.

Ellie56 · 16/11/2025 20:35

Pimplepop · 15/11/2025 17:57

This articulates exactly what I feel.
I end up completely torn in two on these type of trips

Show quote history

So don't do it. Just tell mum this is a trip for the girls and what they want to see and do and the pace they will do it at just won't be right for her.

Notsurewhatisnormalanymore · 19/11/2025 12:18

I’m struggling with this issue at the moment. Over the years (kids spread out) I have invited her to so many things but now that I’m not doing that as much I can see she is finding it difficult. (Literal hints) I still see her and I still do things with her but meeting the needs of people in their 60’s/70’s and then meeting the needs of children at the same time is hard! I don’t think yore doing anything wrong to not invite her at all.

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