Should we investigate adhd assessment or anti depressants for my ds19

[Anonymous07200408]

Some advice please from those with kids who have a spiky ND profile. What I really don’t need is the usual suspects who don’t really believe in ND weighing in with scathing remarks - there are a lot on here and I don’t need that kind of wisdom please - this is very difficult for us as a family and sensitive. I am very experienced with ND and work in the field - I know my son is ND but just need some help teasing our depression vs autistic burnout vs ADHD procrastination etc. I am posting to AIBU for traffic even if the ASN boards would probably be a more natural home for this.

my 19yr old ds got a dyspraxia diagnosis in year 3 and ever since then has had various educational and social challenges. Looking back at his report from then there seem to be loads of indications of inattentive type adhd. He had a small, tight group of friends but is very socially anxious and incredibly passive. Identified as very bright from early on - effortlessly managed straight As until his final year where he pretty much took to the sofa/buried his head in the sand and crashed out in exams. Luckily he had an unconditional offer to uni and is now nearly at the end of his first semester.

He has needed an unbelievable amount of scaffolding in every way - socially and academically and in terms of life skills. Luckily he is local so I have been in and out helping him most weeks. He literally seems unable to answer text messages/ engage fully with uni support services etc - to the point he is now very far behind academically and talking about repeating the year. He has actually done really well socially and made a small group of friends who are luckily very proactive but he has already pissed them off by not responding to WhatsApp messages. The amount he has struggled has surprised us. He presents as having a low mood and flat affect and without us chivvying him to get to lectures and friends chivvying him to go out I think he would spend most of his time doom scrolling. He reports as being “ok” and I think he’s enjoying some of the social stuff but his self esteem is on the floor and always has been.

We have now started thinking that we need to do more to help - the situation is untenable. My question is, should we be investigating a private assessment for adhd (i am very sure he has asd but can’t afford an auDHD assessment)? His procrastination, inability to start tasks, dreaming, torpor, binge eating, insane avoidance all fit with my understanding of inattentive type adhd (my other son is medicated for combined type adhd so I know a little about it).

Or should we be investigating ssris for his mood? I obviously have reservations about side effects (particularly blunting of emotions - they couldn’t be any more blunt tbh) and am not sure if he is actually depressed - he doesn’t really think he is but knows something is wrong.

thank you so much if you’ve got this far - so aibu to get him an adhd assessment with the idea of trialling meds

or ainbu if you think I should look into antidepressants?

any wisdom gratefully received - he is a gorgeous, hilariously funny, self aware, empathetic boy who is suffering at the moment 🙏🏼

Sorry to go against the grain but to me it sounds like you're too overbearing and far too involved in his life, and that's his biggest problem.

I actually find it a little chilling how you're talking about an adult, and how keen you seem to be to medicate all your sons just because they aren't achieving in the way you want them to

Hi. I'm a clinical psychologist - I work with children, not adults but I have several years experience working with neurodiverse young people.

Firstly, one point Id make is not to underestimate the impact of DCD on a young person's functioning. People with DCD do often meet criteria for another ND but there have been plenty of times where we have assessed young people who dont meet the full criteria for even inattentive ADHD but do have wider executive functioning difficulties:
https://www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/adults/dyspraxia-in-adults

Secondly, as this is clearly a change to his normal level of functioning, i think I would see this as a mental health difficulty and focus on how to improve his mental health. Although medication can help, therapeutic work to build long term strategies to manage the challenges of being ND may have better long term outcomes. Ideally, whether private or NHS, it may be helpful for him to see a psychologist with knowledge of ND, who can help him to make sense of what the current difficulties are, what caused them, and what strategies might help him to start feeling better - cognitive behavioural therapy is usually the go to for anxiety and depression, and i do find that it can lend itself well to people who find structure helpful, if adapted to take into account the difficulties with emotional literacy and exective functioning that can come with all ND conditions. An experienced psychologist would also be able to advise if it seemed that inattentive symptoms were a maintaining factor and would benefit from assessement/medication.

And you sound like someone who has zero experience of parenting an adult or child who is neurodivergent- I know this is Aibu but you are exactly who I asked not to contribute (from a place of ignorance) on my thread.

you clearly have deep seated conspiracy theories around ND and medication. I understand how this kind of rabbit hole can suck you in but your views are fringe and not welcome here - somewhere I am sharing openly and vulnerably about a real life experience- not something I read about on a Reddit thread.

this isn’t the thread wild speculation. My son and I are real people who are suffering, not a platform for you to air your unhelpful conspiracy theories. I have nearly 20 years experience of parenting 2 ND and 2 NT kids - completely differently according to their needs. I also work in the field. Respectfully please stop commenting on my thread.

Thank you. This all sounds very sensible. So interesting how dismissive I have been of the dcd - and actually how it is generally viewed as a “lesser” condition. I do wonder when I had him assessed (when we all had much less understanding of ND) whether we were all just skirting around the issues of his asd/potential inattentive adhd though. I was definitely scared of an autism diagnosis in those days (2012) whereas I’m not at all now.

He’s in his first year of university and needs to find his feet without you breathing down his neck. Your posts read as if you’re panicking because he isn’t as academic as you want him to be. It’s actually upsetting to read how over-involved you are in this very important phase of his adult life. You shouldn’t know everything about his life at this age. Does he have any privacy?

Exactly this and very well said. I have similar experience and know how incredibly difficult it is . Sounds as if you’re handling things really well OP. My dc are doing so much better now they’re getting the right treatment and meds. One thing I’ve learnt is life isn’t linear or what you often expect with ND. The resilience these young people have which we often take for granted helps them push through even at the times everything seems desperate. When uni is involved it adds another layer of difficulty due to the expense and distance however it’s important to keep things in perspective and the world won’t end if they need to retake things and remember that ND is hugely disabling so they’re doing amazing just being there .❤️

ND young people often need a lot more support. It’s not breathing down his neck, it’s support.

With all due respect, you sound like Amanda Jette Knox.

She was so desperate to find a condition for her son that ticked all the boxes (she tried autism and ADHD but that didn't lead to the change she wanted) that she settled on him being transgender, and put him on puberty blockers for years (until he revealed that he wasn't a girl).

The fact you wanted a diverse range of responses but not anyone who disagrees with you is rather telling.

The fact that I have received a diverse range of responses and you are the only one coming out with this utter bollocks is very telling 🤣🤣

I have a child with AuDHD who did a physics degree.

firstly, the nature of the degree will not be helping. Maths degrees they recommend not to take a year out because of deskilling. Each year (like physics) also builds on the next.

my dd had trouble in third year because she’d worked strategically in second year and not studied whole sections that were then assumed knowledge in third year.

we got her diagnosed and medicated just before college (access course) and the adhd meds did help but also unmasked the autism. So more work done, more able to pay attention but much lesssble to tolerate people,

she got dsa and also weekly study support (basically someone meeting with her weekly to help plan her work and give her a kick up the bum). Uni were very helpful. She has physical illnesses as well.

she’s been on anti depressants as pain meds for some years (has auto immune illness) so can’t comment on that.

What are you on about?She has had alternative views, mine included which she has handled with careful consideration. You on the other hand with due respect are sounding a little obsessive.

Again - with all due respect I don’t believe you have any idea what it is like to have a child like mine. The fact that I have another ND child who is thriving, working, succeeding academically with no input from me, conducting relationships and has great executive function and 2 NT kids who I am not very involved with should tell you all you need to know.

I couldn’t give a shit if he is academic or not. He is though so I would like to give him every chance to explore that if he wishes. I have also encouraged him to quit uni if that’s what he wants to do. He doesn’t. Maybe read the thread again.

Thanks so much. This is the exhausting bullshit I should expect on here and why I should probs stick to the asn boards but so many people have shared so willingly and helpfully I don’t regret it.

Yes just ignore it. You do get more responses on yabu. You will always get back up from those of us with actual experience rather than conspiracy theories.

Yes I didn’t understand the deskilling part until it was too late sadly. Maybe we should assume resits and a repeat of the year at the very least - if that’s what he wants to do. I’ve asked about alternate courses but he doesn’t seem to have any ideas - just a conviction he wants to stay.

im feeling much better prepared for the dsa meeting on Monday which is great 😊

Your neurobabble is relentless. How can any young man flourish when his mother is constantly seeking diagnoses on his behalf? There is no sense of his agency in your posts.

Your son sounds like my son, definitely ND, a combo of ADHD/ASD with an element of PDA. Major difference being that DS1 always had at least some academic struggles and a miss match between potential and performance. He dropped out of school at the beginning of Fifth year so not even any Highers. Various routes and ideas were tried but nothing stuck and the only thing he had any traction with was semi pro gaming! He basically mostly stayed in his room on and off for years managing some part time work with a lot of help and prodding from us. Very sloth like and passive and often very low mood, I really worried.
the thing that made a difference was an ADHD diagnosis ( private) and meds, it was like he had the mental energy to tackle things for the first time, passed his driving test, went to college to do access course and HNC, progressed to uni and is now in fourth year. Still needs scaffolding ( lives at home) but has sorted out all his disability accommodations himself. He is older though, 27 now. He burnt out every time he tried things when younger and without meds ( eg he joined the Navy at 18 but couldn’t stick it past basic training). Couldn’t have managed uni at 18 even if he had the entry requirements.
Meds aren’t without issues but made a massive difference to performance and mood.
he’s still a bit of a tricky character and it will be good to have a break when he finally moves out but I’m proud of how he’s come on and that we’ve got a decent relationship with him as an adult after all the tribulations.
started this post in the small hours, waking up at night worrying has become a rather ingrained habit!

Maybe be humble enough to realise you don’t have the full picture and you may not be the expert on this topic. Why would I value your contribution when I have dozens of people who have lived and breathed this showing empathy, understanding and decent advice?

where is the lack of agency? Could his reticence possibly have to do with his neurodivergence?! Do you think executive function might have a teeny tiny something to do with his apparent lack of agency? I’ve told him he can leave/stay/repeat/avail himself of any of the support I’m offering. Or not. He is asking for this support.

Thank you for getting it and showing some of the boring skeptics accusing us of helicopter parenting what it might actually be like. Really glad he has come on and very interesting about the meds.

what the very few naysayers on here don’t seem to get is that the meds are not a slippery slope to addiction. My other son uses them when he wants to “lock in” as he puts it. They are metabolised and then gone and he barely takes them any more. Some people do not have a clue.

Also, this literally doesn’t make sense. He got a dcd diagnosis 13 years ago and I am now, at nearly 19 and at his request looking into a different assessment. How is that constantly seeking diagnoses ffs?! Not to mention the massive struggles he has had throughout his life which you are barely privvy to. Do you think I want to throw 1.5k I can barely afford down the toilet for fun? Have a word with yourself, you’re exhausting 🙄🙄. You do know it’s not compulsory to come onto every thread on aibu and proffer an opinion when you know nothing about the subject?

It’s horrible being judged by others who seem to think you are collecting diagnoses for fun, I have three sons who all have diagnoses. Only one is on meds.
DS2 has an NHS diagnosis of ASD but because he got straight As at High School and coped with Uni and is polite I know some people are a bit sceptical but they didn’t notice how awful primary school was for him, he developed mental and physical health problems no small child should have to deal with. They don’t refer children to CAMHs just because a parent is a bit of a worrier!
Providing scaffolding is like “ a stitch in time saves nine” I’d rather help when needed in the moment than pick up the pieces when they have been left to “ learn the hard way” because that is ultimately exhausting and demoralising for everyone.

If you can diagnose, why can't others?

To me it very much looks like the mother here has Munchausen by proxy. Treatment should include high dosage medication.

The son just needs to learn that there isn't actually anything wrong with him. Of course he's asking for support - his mother is constantly telling him his brain isn't functioning normally

ADHD route first port of call. They sound like they’re drowning without executive function. If you can, go private and get them on drugs - it at well be revolutionary

Wow. You’re quite something. I assume you’re trying to be funny with your munchausens by proxy? You’re not. You’re actually being pretty cruel but yay for cheap laughs on Mumsnet.

luckily I have a thick skin and 3 normally functioning kids who are independent and thriving - thus I have little involvement beyond normal parenting. I don’t really give a shit what you’re saying - some other people might not be quite so robust.

thankfully the world has moved on exponentially from old fashioned ridiculous views like yours which is enabling so many more people to be seen, understood and helped to thrive. You need to get back to the 80s.

Thank you for sharing your experience and empathy. That’s the thing - so many different presentations make it very complex.