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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say I’m done with the cooking?

77 replies

KittensAbound · 14/11/2025 19:12

I have a large family and I’m the only one who cooks, ever. I do enjoy it admittedly but I cook for my family and dish up everyone’s before myself (which is standard I think) but by the time I sit down to eat almost everyone else has finished. Not a problem in itself but I can never actually eat my own meal. Because everyone else has finished my DH is usually off to the kitchen to help himself and little ones to dessert or strumming his dam guitar, the little kids are on at me for drinks, playtime etc and the older kids have fucking vanished. I’ve just served a full roast pork dinner with perfect crackling, roast potatoes, homemade stuffing and yorkies and 4 veg. I was the last one to sit at the table while the rest of the family have been chatting, eating, laughing and playing little games, and I hadn’t taken two bites of my dinner before the two youngest were hanging off me trying to play because everyone else had gone. I cook because I like to, but also because I like to eat what I’ve made and it feels like years since I’ve eaten a decent meal whilst hot or warm at the very least, never mind being harassed at the same time. I’ve attempted to implement stuff over the years such as no dessert until EVERYONE had eaten and finished, or we all stay at the table to clear after dinner and THEN we do games but I feel bloody invisible at times and it seems everyone gets the benefit of my efforts but me. I’ve raised this with DH and older kids a lot and nothing has changed so I’m very tempted to go ‘on strike’. Everyone can fend for themselves except littles, husband can feed them, and I’ll make whatever I fancy when I fancy for my own dam self without worrying about who likes what or how they like it cooked and serving only myself after young ones have gone to bed so I can bloody well eat AND LIKE IT!

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · 14/11/2025 20:26

The little ones food will cool if it sits on a cool plate.

We put bowls of veg on the table, I plate the meat and potatoes, if it’s that kind of meal.

diddl · 14/11/2025 20:28

I remember talking to my husband about mealtimes as kids & he could just leave the table when he had finished with out asking or being told.

I was gobsmacked!😂

Passthecake30 · 14/11/2025 20:28

I could no way ask everyone to plate up their own dinners, greedy sods here!
I think you should ask your DH or an older child to help you plate up, so you’re doing meat and spuds, he’s doing veg (for example), then everyone can take their own in.

KittensAbound · 14/11/2025 20:32

@Redflagsabounded
Thanks so much for your message. I do have adhd but am apparently also autistic (I’m not sure about that) I only learned what I know about what family life ‘should’ be from films and tv I think. And meal times are sort of based on that. I know logically that what I’ve seen portrayed fictionally isn’t real, but I also don’t have any real life experiences to draw from so I’m doing my best to make it them as normal as possible.

OP posts:
biteybpob · 14/11/2025 20:35

Nobody starts eating until everyone is seated with food.

Nobody gets up from the table or starts pissing about until everyone has finished eating.

Tell the entire family that these are standard basic manners. They’ll need to learn this in preparation for the real world. Bums on seats throughout.

If anyone doesn’t feel able to deal with this basic level of politeness they don’t get fed.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 14/11/2025 20:40

KittensAbound · 14/11/2025 20:32

@Redflagsabounded
Thanks so much for your message. I do have adhd but am apparently also autistic (I’m not sure about that) I only learned what I know about what family life ‘should’ be from films and tv I think. And meal times are sort of based on that. I know logically that what I’ve seen portrayed fictionally isn’t real, but I also don’t have any real life experiences to draw from so I’m doing my best to make it them as normal as possible.

Edited

I genuinely want to give you a hug. You sound like such a sweetheart.

You really shouldn’t be thinking up ‘solutions’ and workarounds. Your DH is an adult and your older kids are older than 16. They can understand ‘don’t start eating until everyone is seated’ and should respect it. Tell them this. It’s not just about etiquette, it’s a basic respect issue.

If they are unable to respect you enough to wait a few minutes, then I agree you should stop cooking. I would be FURIOUS with your DH, though. Regardless of his background, you have raised the issue with him, so he should address it and stop being so thoughtless.

SillyQuail · 14/11/2025 20:42

For a while this was happening to me too (only 2 little DC though so not as bad). I realised it was because I was giving the DC their food too early. Now I plate theirs up in the kitchen to let it cool and then put the rest of the food and our empty plates on the table. They only get their plates when I'm ready to sit down. We do let them leave the table if they've finished (they're only 5 and 2 and DH and I like to linger longer and have seconds/chat) but we have a rule that the neither of us play with them until we're both done, and they can only sit on our lap if we've finished. Usually means we get to have a relatively civilised meal these days, but I appreciate that changing ingrained habits with older DC might be hard.

Emscook2 · 14/11/2025 20:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TheSmallAssassin · 14/11/2025 20:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Maybe read all of the OP's posts before replying? What an unhelpful and rude reply!

YourWildAmberSloth · 14/11/2025 21:04

You can enjoy cooking without being a martyr. 4 children over 16 - so basically young adults, they should be doing more to help as should your husband. They are rude and selfish but perhaps you and DH have raised them that way. They come to the table, sit, eat and leave. And unless the younger two are babies, they should be capable of understanding that you are eating and they deserve to be left alone so that you can enjoy your meal.

Farmwifefarmlife · 14/11/2025 21:10

Sillysoggyspaniel · 14/11/2025 19:14

Can you just plate up on the side and then everyone is served at the same time and sits together?

This is what I do, we also all sit at the table until everyone has finished.

DuchessofStaffordshire · 14/11/2025 21:11

If I were you I would:
Heat all plates and serving dishes in the microwave. I completely understand this as I like to eat off a hot plate and keep the veg, gravy etc warm.
Have the meal served at the table with everyone seated at the same time.
Have your over 16's prepare a meal once a week. My 13 year old does this as he's chosen cooking for his D of E skill and it'll set him up well for the future.
Have another of the over 16's set the table.
Have another clear the table and help clean and tidy the kitchen.
I'm sure your husband is capable of chipping in too.

BuffaloCauliflower · 14/11/2025 21:20

Hi OP. I have ADHD too and think you might have some black and white thinking and time blindness playing into this, also completely appreciate everyone doesn’t learn the same things growing up.

  • you don’t need to warm plates/serving bowls. It’s a nice to have but I literally never do this and it’s never mattered
  • kids over 16 are adults in this situation and can lay the table and get drinks ready. They can probably also share the cooking tbh.
  • put the food in the middle of the table, get drinks on the table, don’t call everyone to the table until it’s ready to eat.
  • as you all sit down serve yourself first and the little ones if they need it (my 4 and 2 year olds can serve themselves like this though, with support). Everyone else can sort themselves out. Or you can serve everyone up on the side if easier, but still, don’t summon until it’s actually ready for everyone
  • eat your food. You’ve done the work, enjoy your meal.
  • We do no dessert until everyone’s finished if we’re having one, but it’s not something we have every day.
  • I don’t make everyone stay at the table until the end because my kids are small and I’m a slow eater.
  • others clear the table and wash up. 4 kids over 16 should absolutely be able to do all this until SEN is severe

I think this is one of those things where routine and clear expectations really helps everyone, but also your needs and wishes matter and you’re allowed to assert them

NarnianQueen · 14/11/2025 21:32

PictureParfait · 14/11/2025 19:24

I was taught that nobody eats until everybody has been served.

This!

the current situation is failing to teach your kids a really normal, basic etiquette

it’s going to be embarrassing for them when they do this with people who are less forgiving than you!

NarnianQueen · 14/11/2025 21:33

Plate up for yourself and the little ones, then call everyone else and let them serve themselves

Cornishclio · 14/11/2025 21:48

Surely the answer is that you all don’t start eating until everyone is sat down. Plate the two youngest dinners first so they are cooled down and then your DH and four eldest can lay the table, help with plating up and get drinks. No one starts eating until you are all at the table with your meals in front of you and no one gets up until all have finished. You can blame upbringing but if you know this now why not implement it? Enforce this and tell your children you will be finishing your meal and won’t be getting desserts until you are done.

user1497787065 · 14/11/2025 21:56

My DC always stayed at the table until we had all
finished and if for any reason they wished to leave the table they had to ask to be excused.

Prelim · 14/11/2025 21:56

KittensAbound · 14/11/2025 19:24

I’ve tried this in the past but have a small kitchen and a small oven, I don’t often have room to warm the serving dishes before dinner. I wonder if I just stacked them and put them in the microwave would work?

Edited

But the food is cold by the time you get it! It doesn’t matter. Cold plates and small portions of the little ones food will be cold by the time everyone is ready to eat. Everyone can eat together. It will be quicker, you just need to tell your husband he has no manners.

Prelim · 14/11/2025 21:59

Cornishclio · 14/11/2025 21:48

Surely the answer is that you all don’t start eating until everyone is sat down. Plate the two youngest dinners first so they are cooled down and then your DH and four eldest can lay the table, help with plating up and get drinks. No one starts eating until you are all at the table with your meals in front of you and no one gets up until all have finished. You can blame upbringing but if you know this now why not implement it? Enforce this and tell your children you will be finishing your meal and won’t be getting desserts until you are done.

But why does she have to plate them? All the dishes on the table or the side whilst her husband gets the children to set the table. Her husband can dish the smaller ones whilst she’s getting things out of the oven and the children are setting the table.

Eenameenadeeka · 15/11/2025 04:08

Your husband needs to model to the children having more respect for you.
We don't start eating until everyone is sitting, and I'd get a drink before starting the meal but if someone asks when you are eating, they can get it themselves or wait.

Theyreeatingthedogs · 15/11/2025 04:29

Nobody starts eating until everyone sits down. Isn't that what should happen? I think your idea of little jobs for others is good.

Tryingatleast · 15/11/2025 05:06

Dh is the cook here and the rule is everyone has to start at the same time because the person cooking deserves to get to sit and eat with everyone. And we’re chaotic here but it’s one of the things we do that works

Elsvieta · 15/11/2025 09:13

Have a couple of the older kids help cook / serve. Then the other two and DH do ALL the clearing up, while you put your feet up.

JingleBongle · 15/11/2025 09:40

You are making this into a huge issue when it isn’t. If 4 of those kids are over 16, you both have failed in teaching them how to dish up for themselves. If you feel it’s less mess or easier for you to do it, then why isn’t one of them setting up the table and another clearing up after?

it takes a few SECONDS to dish up each plate, so where is the huge drama here? You missed the boat with the older ones, but why are the younger ones eating dessert when everyone isn’t done eating.

you and dh haven’t taught them basics here and buying buffet style dishes aren’t the solution. You really can’t blame you having adhd as not knowing what to do.

have you all never been to a restaurant? Does each child walk out as soon as they are done? Have you never noticed what you do in a restaurant?

HorrorFan81 · 15/11/2025 09:51

OP i wouldnt worry about warming plates and serving dishes- weve never done that

Think you need a good chat with the family about meal times and expectations and have a full reset. Everyone has a job helping get the table set, get drinks and condiments etc. No one starts eating til everyone is sat down. No one gets up until everyone is finished. Then others help in clearing up and getting desserts etc. This is exactly what we do and it works well