To say I’m done with the cooking?

[KittensAbound]

I have a large family and I’m the only one who cooks, ever. I do enjoy it admittedly but I cook for my family and dish up everyone’s before myself (which is standard I think) but by the time I sit down to eat almost everyone else has finished. Not a problem in itself but I can never actually eat my own meal. Because everyone else has finished my DH is usually off to the kitchen to help himself and little ones to dessert or strumming his dam guitar, the little kids are on at me for drinks, playtime etc and the older kids have fucking vanished. I’ve just served a full roast pork dinner with perfect crackling, roast potatoes, homemade stuffing and yorkies and 4 veg. I was the last one to sit at the table while the rest of the family have been chatting, eating, laughing and playing little games, and I hadn’t taken two bites of my dinner before the two youngest were hanging off me trying to play because everyone else had gone. I cook because I like to, but also because I like to eat what I’ve made and it feels like years since I’ve eaten a decent meal whilst hot or warm at the very least, never mind being harassed at the same time. I’ve attempted to implement stuff over the years such as no dessert until EVERYONE had eaten and finished, or we all stay at the table to clear after dinner and THEN we do games but I feel bloody invisible at times and it seems everyone gets the benefit of my efforts but me. I’ve raised this with DH and older kids a lot and nothing has changed so I’m very tempted to go ‘on strike’. Everyone can fend for themselves except littles, husband can feed them, and I’ll make whatever I fancy when I fancy for my own dam self without worrying about who likes what or how they like it cooked and serving only myself after young ones have gone to bed so I can bloody well eat AND LIKE IT!

What are you doing while they are all eating?
Get everyone else to set the table, including drinks. And in future, why not plate up and then they get their dinner from the kitchen themselves? Or plate yours up and leave your husband to sort everyone else out for a change?

Agree with PPs.

People who are not cooking lay the table etc.
Nobody eats until everybody has been served and are sitting.
Nobody leaves the table without asking permission, if other people haven't finished their meal yet.

Warm the dishes? But why?

And yes family member/s lay the table and bring drinks and stuff to the table before the meal.

And yes family member/s help to do the tidying up after the meal.

Dinner is not your sole effort. DH needs to step up and children need to learn how to do their bits.

Why is it OP’s fault? Presumably she is in the kitchen sorting the food and their father is with the children eating? I assume she plates up for everyone else and does hers last. He meanwhile is eating his dinner before the person who cooked it sat down and he’s the one physically with the kids so should be modelling good behaviour.

OP is partially at fault because she, and her DH, have not taught their children manners.

Although OP is not at fault for her DH being inconsiderate and impolite.

We don’t know that the OP has not taught the children manners. She may well have taught them to say please and thank you, give up their seat on the bus and open doors for people. She hasn’t taught them one specific aspect of good manners but why should it all fall on her when in this specific situation it’s their father that’s actually there. Ignoring the fact that it’s a bit tricky to point out the poor manners to the kids when their father is doing the exact same thing.

I can’t imagine how it takes you so long to dish up others have finished before you sit downs?
surely kids line up with plates, dh has yours and his plate

then dish up and all sit down?
or start cooking meals that are far quicker to dish up

it goes without saying your dh and kids need to learn some manners

OMG. Seriously? Let me rephrase.

OP is partially at fault because she, and her DH, have not taught their children manners at the dinner table.

Although OP is not at fault for her DH being inconsiderate and impolite.

Seriously, why should the woman be responsible for everything? She’s trying to change the situation, she’s fighting against an inconsiderate man and yet it’s still her fault?

How do you serve out?

Each plate individually or some of everything onto each plate & call everyone?

Plates already on table to serve onto?

Why are you dishing up for adults? I understand doing it for young children, but older children and adults can sort themselves out, you’re not their servant. I put everything in serving dishes, everyone helps carry them to the dining table, and we all sit down together. I can’t see how you could possibly need to heat serving dishes if your family are eating so quickly they’ve finished before you’ve sat down, the food won’t have a chance to go cold.

Im not ‘faffy’ I don’t think, but I am a bit slower at doing things sometimes, I have adhd myself and several sen children and can never do much without multiple interruptions which side track me. Cooking is a genuine joy but I think the logistics escape me. I feel like everything needs to be done at exactly the same time, and plated up and still hot by the time it gets to the table. I do have a bit of an issue asking for help.

I’m trying to remember all the questions asked but I will have to post and go back to thread to answer them all. My husband and I have 6 children, 4 over 16 and 2 quite young. I didn’t grow up in an environment where people would learn this sort of etiquette and I think I’ve done very well in many aspects, my children are all doing well in many ways but I’ve fallen short at times as a parent, one of those is outlined in this thread I suppose. Mealtimes are frustrating but if this is all I have to complain about maybe I shouldn’t be comparing at all.

I’m just trying to work out how this would all work, how you’ve described it.

so, you dish up person 1. Say it takes 30 seconds. Then just call them through? And they start eating? Then on to the next. And so on.
eating a plate of food takes about 15 minutes.

unless there’s 30 people in your house, I can’t even picture how it would work.

Oh sorry cross posted. Ignore mine!

This really seems like a non-issue. I don’t understand how they could have all eaten before you’ve sat down, unless you’re really slow at plating.

Solution: DH sorts little ones. Your older 4 are more than old enough to set the table, sort condiments and drinks, plate everyone else’s food and serve it. So you cook it. You tell them it’s ready. Then you sit at the table and wait to be served. If they don’t know how to do it, let your DH teach them. And they are also old enough to clear up after. Between the 4 of them (and DH) you shouldn’t have to do anything other than cook.

Put your foot down.

I hope you learn from this thread op that meal times are the focal point of many families to actually talk, but that includes EVERYONE. They should all be waiting till everyone is sat, that is absolutely standard.

it will be in their interest to learn this, otherwise if one of your children goes to a restaurant with friends and starts wolfing down their food as soon as it’s served, they will get some shocked looks from their friends!

I feel like some people are blaming DH for not doing better with this, his upbringing was considerably worse than mine. He literally grew up in a cult. Not everyone has the same background or socialisation that you might expect. I just feel unappreciated at times and would like to learn some ways to better manage the things that we struggle with. I also would just really like to eat my dinner.

We're a household of 9 and I'm a bit baffled by this situation.

You seem to be stuck thinking in extremes - either you make elaborate meals that you do all of the cooking, plating and table setting in a specific way that results in a significant gap between when some people start eating in others or you refuse to cook at all. But that's an artificial dilemma.

Simplify the majority of family meals and your serving method.
Set portions that need to cool for small children aside in the kitchen instead of serving them early.
Anyone over age 4 should either help with preparing the meal (cooking, setting the table, plating food, getting drinks for themselves and younger siblings) or cleaning up after the meal.
For weeknights use a mixture of family-style table service where you bring a dish (preferably the same one it was cooked in) to the table and people dish there and pre-plating in the kitchen based on what will save time both before the meal and during cleanup.
Everyone sits down together and eats as a family. Stay at the table until excused and then the parent who didn't cook the meal leads cleanup.

This is what I've done ever since visiting a friend who did this. It solved so many issues (puts everyone in control of how much to put on their plates for a start) and means everyone eats at the same time and everything is more relaxed.

My mother plated up but everything in the middle is so much better (for some things I just plunk the pans on the table on heatproof mats, but it depends what we're having).

Hi OP. I'm the one who questioned on the level of faff, and since your update I think that you perhaps need to relax a bit about perfection. Feeding 8 people (some with SEN) with interruptions and ADHD yourself is an achievement. It really doesn't matter if some dishes are a bit hotter or cooler than others.

I'm also surprised that 4 adult/teenage children and husband don't contribute (don't think of it as help - families are about teamwork, not it all being your job and others to help you). I'm not surprised you are feeling narked off.

It all needs a reset. Whoever's cooking just cooks. The other parent marshalls the troops and organises the table setting, serving and clearing. Everyone waits until everyone is seated before starting. No one leaves before everyone is finished. Dinner's should be family time. All the family, including you.

The way we do it…

DH cooks. Others lay the table. Everyone gets their own drinks.

DH announces food is ready. We all help ourselves and take our plates to the table.

No one gets dessert or leaves the table until everyone has finished. People can go and get seconds before then, but would ask if that’s ok, and would make sure there is enough for everyone.

Everyone except the cook clears up, washes dishes, wipes sides, loads dishwasher, puts away leftovers etc.

Would a system like that work?

I was brought up to wait until everyone was served before starting to eat.

I think it often depends what you're eating as to how to serve.

Lasagne for example, put on the table & help yourself.

Roast-easier to serve some of everything rather than clutter the table!

Bless you. You are doing brilliantly! As is your DH, in the circumstances.

The thing is, that a lot of us who are lucky enough to be brought up in a stable family situation, are taught that nobody eats until everybody has been served. And nobody leaves the table, if others haven't finished, without asking permission.

@KittensAbound you are doing too much.
I cook at my house and a while I’m cooking my husband or children lay the table. Drinks get served by the kids or DH while I’m serving up some bits. Only the main part gets dished up by me, the rest is usually self service.
I have a small kitchen so limited space; keeping everything hot is impossible so maybe lower your standards. It also depends on how small your younger ones are but you could definitely ask your husband to do more.