Maternity Leave and money

[Lch207]

Hi,

I am currently off on maternity leave with my first son. I’ve had a tough birth and first few months but did receive six months full pay, part of which I used for a family holiday and part I saved in the hope of not ending up in debt.

We have moved to a more expensive house whilst I am still off and things are really tight. My husband expects me to still cover half of everything now I’m on statutory pay (soon to be £0) which will leave me in debt. I also do all of the nights, cleaning, cooking, managing bills etc. Am I wrong that this feels unfair? If I try to bring it up he just gets angry and says he works really hard.

I don’t know what to do and it’s really upsetting me. Has anyone been in this situation and can anyone advise?

Bit late but how come you didnt have a conversation about this when you got pregnant?

Charge him for raising his baby - that’ll change his mind.

Of course it is unfair. How does he expect you to pay half when you’re not going to be getting any wages soon. This needs to be sorted very soon as men like this often expect the women to pay 100% for the childcare on top of their share of everything else. Currently you’d almost certainly be better off if you separated and I’d be telling him this. What an arsehole.

Bill him for the care of his child.
He is on board with your child being a joint responsibility? He will be paying at least half of the childcare feed when you return to work.

Does he know how much nursery costs because if you went back to work now, he’d have to pay 50% of nursery as well and it’s not subsidised yet as your child is very young.

It’s very late to have this conversation now- where did he think your 50% was going to come from when you’re earning zero? Does he want you back at work and baby at nursery?

I‘m not usually part of the LTB brigade but your husband is selfish and unreasonable. He doesn’t respect you or have any appreciation for what you’ve been through. Not sure I would be able to forgive my husband if he had treated me this way postpartum. You have every right to be upset.

LTB

This is vile.

Look up the cost of a 24/7 nanny and a housekeeper and invoice him for 50% of this?

Also you need to make sure that he knows that when you go back to work the childcare and housework then goes to 50-50 (or you doing bit more if you’re working part time and him full time). Do not keep doing 100% of everything when you go back or you’ll be doing 100% of everything forever including school runs etc in the future. This probably means he’ll have to start stepping up now or he won’t know what he’s doing. If he’s not on board with this right now, once again, you need to consider your relationship and do not have more kids with a lazy bastard who won’t care for his child.

Beyond being unfair, he’s fucking stupid.

I’m so sorry you’ve had a baby with such a selfish, unreasonable man.

I hope someone can give you some useful advice and that you have some support in real life too.

He doesn’t see you as a team, a family, a partnership, he sees you as someone who he doesn’t want to spend ‘his’ money even though he can only earn it because you’re looking after his child while the child is tiny.

He’s awful.

honestly it baffles me that women accept this - why on earth would you.

it’s quite obviously not equality

of course you shouldn’t be paying half - you’re not working because you’re looking after his child and doing his washing.

it won’t get better- when you go back to work he’ll expect you to pay half and still keep doing everything

when there are articles about poor men and how l lonely they are now it’s because most women have the self esteem not to put up with this shit

he won’t change. Get a backbone and leave and make sure you pursue him for child maintenance

Jesus. What a prize.
When he says he still wants you to pay 50%, just smile sweetly and say. From what wages darling.
If he wants you to go back to work, I assume he's footing 50% of the nursery bill?

You're a family now. There's no his and hers money, except maybe a token amount of discretionary spending. You obviously can't split 50/50 when you're not earning (even though you're working more and harder than every before).

If you want to keep money separate (which is just going to get more complicated), at least make it proportional to income. So when you earn £0, he pays 100%.

It is beyond daft for one partner to go into debt to stay alive in a relationship whilst the other has money to save etc. You should be a team. I couldn't watch my husband struggle.

I don’t usually agree with the MN maxim that all money is shared money, but where does your idiot husband think your half of the bills is going to come from?

You’re going to have to get back to work as soon as possible. Not so that you can pay half the bills but so that you are not financially reliant on a pig of a man, or stuffed when you get the sense to leave him.

Totally fair for you to pay half.

Make sure you bill him for his childcare while he is at work first though.

Yes, this. I'm sure he does work really hard... but does he genuinely think that new mums don't?

Wtf? I was a SAHM for 8 years, my husband didn't expect a penny off me.

Were finances discussed before you decided to have a child?

He's either a clueless cunt or a financially abusive cunt, but he's definately a cunt.

Where on earth does he think your half of the bills will come from when your maternity pay drops to zero?

Seriously what on earth is wrong with these men. Op he’s awful and should be looking after you financially. If he isn’t then he isn’t a reliable partner and you need to start looking at an exit plan.

Thankyou for your responses. I tried to have the conversations sooner but it was sort of brushed off and I wish I tried harder. I will try and re have the conversations. He’s not a bad person but I have tried to make him understand. Maybe he just doesn’t. Thankyou all.

He’s not a bad person- but will happily leave his wife, who he is supposed to love, short of cash and doing everything. It’s all all these good dads out there who don’t do anything.

‘How can I pay half the bills when my income is £0?’

How does he answer this?

What agreement did you have with him when you were pregnant or trying to have a child? Did you discuss finances for the period you’d be on maternity leave, and what did he say at that time?

Tell him that going hour rate for a nanny is c.12-15 ( if you are lucky) then multiply by number of hours baby not asleep and divide by 2.

How is he expecting you to pay half if you're not earning anything? That seems dim, does he think your maternity pay goes on longer than days months maybe?

We had joint savings we used in my last months of mat leave - we'd been saving for a couple of years before we started trying.