Maternity Leave and money

[Lch207]

Hi,

I am currently off on maternity leave with my first son. I’ve had a tough birth and first few months but did receive six months full pay, part of which I used for a family holiday and part I saved in the hope of not ending up in debt.

We have moved to a more expensive house whilst I am still off and things are really tight. My husband expects me to still cover half of everything now I’m on statutory pay (soon to be £0) which will leave me in debt. I also do all of the nights, cleaning, cooking, managing bills etc. Am I wrong that this feels unfair? If I try to bring it up he just gets angry and says he works really hard.

I don’t know what to do and it’s really upsetting me. Has anyone been in this situation and can anyone advise?

This. Tell him no you dont have it. Do not have another child with him. Do not go part time and impact your pension. Insist and enforce 50:50 of everything when you return to work. And remember what a knob he is.

this is a really unfair attitude like how much would a creche cost if you didn’t have unpaid leave and had to use one ? I’d imagine a fortune and it would cause stress as well. He needs to step up and be more supportive .

He sounds like a bad person to me.

He is financially abusing you. Unfortunately it is common for any form of abuse to start/intensify either during pregnancy or postpartum. Expecting you to run up personal debt while you care for HIS child 24/7, sacrificing your body, sleep, career etc is cruel.

Does he have other controlling behaviours? It may be worth having a chat to women’s aid as you might not recognise it so easily yourself.

As for the other posters saying “why did you have a baby with this man” and “did you not discuss finances first”, please ignore as it’s not helpful. Unfortunately selfish men can recognise a trusting and therefore vulnerable woman who only sees the best in them.

Well it's not odd set up but why did you use your money for a hpliday knowing you were going onto stat pay and he was expecting you to still cover half of everything

He is a bad person...that or he is extremely thick.

Look up financial abuse op and then spell it out to him.

Well he will need to pay won’t he as his money is not his money, it’s family money to keep all 3 of you. He’s a complete prick OP.

He sounds like a loser. He doesn't even earn enough to support his wife and child, and he's the kind of dim selfish arse who thinks married couples should always be 50/50. Not very impressive.

Another one of those 'good men' who expects you to work and pay half the bills and do all the domestic work; have a baby, pay half the bills from monopoly money and do all the domestic work /child-rearing.
May my daughter never find one of those good men 🙏🏾🤞🏾.

I can't imagine why he fobbed off the discussions. I mean, who'd have a child with this selfish, incompetent fucker?

My DH took over paying for everything. Didn’t even have to ask.

Your DH is a bit of an arse.

Sorry I rarely comment but your post is exactly where I was with my first baby. He had insisted I save throughout the pregnancy to pay for half of all bills , while he proudly told everyone he bought the fancy pram on his own. I ended up spending all my savings on that maternity as "it wasn't his fault I was off". So many memories of small things rushing back as I type this that seem red flags now

Just to warn you he then very frustrated at paying half of nursery, (his dad didn't have to pay nursery as his mum stayed home - why would I do this to our child - but also expecting me to pay half still) flat refused to take a sick day when child was not well. We divorced.

During the divorce I asked to split the joint account - he was horrified as he had paid £50 more a month in so really it was his money he said. Kept telling me I might be legally correct but morally I knew this was theft.

As part of the divorce I also insisted on financial disclosure (form E, also all communication by correspondence so he couldn't verbally wear me down or bamboozle me) and the £10k in his bank to be counted as his own asset.

• again he was disgusted as that was intended for the baby - I suggested moving it to the baby's own savings account to exclude it but he refused, so I considered it his money in the split.

There is a lot of mental financial gymnastics for some blokes. And it took me years to realise how bad some things were that I had slowly accepted as normal.

Finally in this vein, my dad loaned us £10k for the house deposit, when we sold the home as part of the divorce my ex was adamant it was a joint gift so he wouldn't repay my dad a penny. Interestingly in my friendship circle that's the bit that most found beyond the pail.

Who will be paying for childcare when you go back after maternity leave? Do you have similar salaries and similar personal spending money? How much parenting does he do? What does he do on the days he is not at work?

I'm not being ridiculous. I dont care what her earnings are.

Its unfair, vile and abusive to not nurture and care for your pregnant and recently birthed life partner.

Even if her earnings were 500k (although I doubt it as she is on MN moaning about her waste of space sperm donor) and his earning were 50k, it doesnt matter, his instincts should be to care and nourish his life parter while she births and nourishes his child immediately after giving birth. He isnt doing that. Hes moaning because she isnt doing her share - when he doesnt realise her share created another human and ensures it lives each day.

I'm not being ridiculous.

He must be a bit thick then because you can't pay half the bills with £0.

DO NOT DO EVERYTHING when you go back to work. You will burn out.

Fair enough, I just dont really need caring for and nourishing, I prefer to do things myself. I really hate relying on anyone for anything. I would literally hate to be cared for and nourished, I am not a plant. I am a fully capable adult human with my own money! Husband is just an add on 😂mostly surplus to requirements.

Good for you (I think?), but it is perfectly reasonable to need some compassion and to be cared for after having a baby. It took me a long time to not feel sensitive and vulnerable after a hard birth, being unable to breastfeed, PND, no longer recognising my own body etc. a good husband and a good man would not leave their partner struggling in this way. A good man shouldnt expect their partner, who is caring for their joint child, to be able to magic money out of thin air to pay her 'share'. She is already contributing her 'share' to the family.

Just tell him the baby is now his responsibility day and night for half the week from today

YABU for not having these very important conversations before conceiving a child or throughout your pregnancy.

However he is being unreasonable for being an ignorant pig. You are off work and earning less because you have had your joint child. There are two options, either you both go to work and bring in a full wage yet you have to use some of that money to pay for someone to care for your child or one of you works less/not at all and can therefore care for your child and you don’t have to pay someone else.

You both created this life, the child is both your responsibility. You’re meant to be a family unit and that means everyone supporting each other. Some do that in financial ways, others in caring for the joint children.

He is not a good person. He’s selfish and he doesn’t value the work that you are doing in the home and raising your child.

You can test this. Immediately insist on 50% of everything outside of working hours. He needs to cook 50% of the evening meals, including shopping for these. He needs to look after the baby for 50% of the evenings and do 50% of the night wakings. Then, charge him for 50% of the cost of full-time nursery for a baby as your earnings for doing his 50% of the care for your shared child, and put that towards your 50% of the bills. The slightest hint of ‘that’s not fair’ from him and you have your answer on whether he’s ’not a bad person’.

An alternative approach:

My DPs had a somewhat similar issue early on after the birth of their first child. They happened to have a meeting with a financial planner of some kind (possibly regarding setting up life insurance) who laid it out in black-and-white figures that my dad would be significantly worse off if something happened to my mum who was a SAHP than she would be if something happened to him. This was a bit of an eye-opener for my dad, though he should have realised it for himself. Because he is not a bad person, he immediately set up a joint account into which he paid his entire salary and from that day on their finances have been entirely shared. Again, if you lay it out clearly, financially, what he stands to lose without your non-monetary contribution and how much you’re saving the household at the moment, and he doesn’t budge - you have your answer.

Go back to work and go halves on childcare. This man is being absolutely ridiculous if you can’t reason with him you have no other option than to return to work. Do not become financially vulnerable for his selfishness.

i don't understand how this is unfair. You get 6 months full pay. Some people get basic stat their whole maternity leave. I get 6 months which is great but I'll be going back to work when it's up because my partner cannot afford the bills alone- it that's simple!

If your DH expects you to cover half the bills he needs to be covering 2.5 days of childcare a week too so he better start writing that flexible work request!

Another woman married to a man who doesn't respect her.