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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner saying another name in sleep

52 replies

BoysBagsShoes · 14/11/2025 14:36

Not sure if a proper AIBU, but as good as…

Trying to sleep the other night and partner suddenly blurts out another woman’s name in his sleep.
Not previous name of previous partners. I was shocked as he is the solid, dependable type, hates cheaters, ex wife was awful (I’ve heard/seen proof, not just his word).
Could be nothing, but…

  • saw a VPN on his phone the other night
  • has been spending LOTS more time on phone in evenings
  • will often come to bed later than me (I do go up quite early, but not ridiculously so)
  • Will sometimes sleep in spare room ‘to let me sleep’
I am suffering from extreme night sweats and insomnia due to perimenopause. His absolute abhorrence of cheating makes me think nothing, but that niggle is there. We have been through a lot, I can’t think why he would want to rip our lives, and family, apart.
OP posts:
nomas · 14/11/2025 14:40

Saying a name in his sleep could be anything. I have the strangest dreams about my colleagues, including my boss. I’m sure I’ve said their names in my sleep.

whattodo1113 · 14/11/2025 14:41

I don’t want to upset you. At all.
but… I’ve got a lot of friends in the adult industry & married men are the WORSE. Their wife’s think their hubby is lovely and perfect but there talking to escorts & can girls in the spare room when wife’s are in bed. There all at it honestly you’d be shocked at some stories. On his phone. Coming to bed late. Sleeping in spare room. Come on the signs are all there. Probably talking to can girls and having a w*. I could be totally wrong but I don’t trust a single man. All married men are bored weather women know it or want to admit it. Ask to see his phone. I guarantee he says no x

takealettermsjones · 14/11/2025 14:42

Maybe she's on his Arya-Stark-esque kill list?

whattodo1113 · 14/11/2025 14:42

Cam

Notmyreality · 14/11/2025 14:44

Well no one on here can help you. You can either ask him about the name or not ask him.

OrlandointheWilderness · 14/11/2025 14:49

whattodo1113 · 14/11/2025 14:41

I don’t want to upset you. At all.
but… I’ve got a lot of friends in the adult industry & married men are the WORSE. Their wife’s think their hubby is lovely and perfect but there talking to escorts & can girls in the spare room when wife’s are in bed. There all at it honestly you’d be shocked at some stories. On his phone. Coming to bed late. Sleeping in spare room. Come on the signs are all there. Probably talking to can girls and having a w*. I could be totally wrong but I don’t trust a single man. All married men are bored weather women know it or want to admit it. Ask to see his phone. I guarantee he says no x

I don’t doubt at all that some married men are cheating wankers, we know they are. However you cannot for lm an opinion of all of them based on that experience- it’s confirmation bias. You expect all men using cam girls to be married, and shock horror they probably are. But that is not taking into account the ones who aren’t, because you don’t see them, you only see the twats who are happy to buy a woman and if they think that’s okay, they certainly won’t baulk at cheating!

MauriceTheMussel · 14/11/2025 14:56

Is the hatred of cheaters a bit “doth protest too much”?

I had an ex that got on his soapbox about cheaters, and yet…was cheating (the ENTIRE relationship).

Monster6 · 14/11/2025 15:01

Name thing not an issue in itself but coupled with the other indicators I’d do some subtle investigating. Don’t say anything or all evidence will be scrubbed and he’ll be way more careful.

PInkyStarfish · 14/11/2025 15:16

Write the name on your bathroom mirror in lipstick and see his reaction. Feign horror and surprise and deny it was you.

How does he react?

Lilyhatesjaz · 14/11/2025 15:23

I quite often dream about my old school or characters in TV shows. Why not just ask him who she is.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 14/11/2025 15:25

DP spent a good 15 minutes in her sleep mumbling about Steve Backshall. When I took the piss the next day, she had absolutely no idea who he was. Either her knowledge of him is buried deep in her subconscious, or she made up a name that just happens to be a real person. And it definitely wasn't a sexy dream, unless "getting to the office" is some sex act I'm not aware of.

The sleeping mind is a weird thing, I don't think you can use it as evidence of an affair.

And the VPN will be for porn. Subscriptions have skyrocketed due to the recent Online Safety Act

BoyOhBoyFTM · 14/11/2025 15:27

I had a thing for Logan from Gilmore Girls and I have definitely had some weird dreams about him lately (i am also young and 20 in these dreams). Hopefully DH won't divorce me for it.

Donnyoh · 14/11/2025 15:37

I had this, years ago. Ex was mumbling the name of a friend of mine in his sleep. When he awoke, I was just going to mention it to him, but something stopped me. I later found out that he was having an affair with my 'friend'.

JudgeBread · 14/11/2025 15:41

All of those things apply to me and I'm not cheating on my husband.

I use a VPN because I sometimes want to watch or view stuff not available in this country. They're also a good idea to keep your data safe.

I spend a lot of time on my phone in the evening. A vice. I'm playing Wordle, not sexting.

I always go to bed later than my husband. I just need less sleep.

I sleep in the spare room when his snoring and sweating is interfering with my sleep.

And i dream about all sorts of weird shit, and will sometimes say things aloud that relate to my dreams. Apparently I was having a conversation with someone called Hillary a few nights ago. I don't know a Hillary and am definitely not shagging one.

ginasevern · 14/11/2025 15:45

Keep an eye out OP. I would suspect cheating too. His so called hatred of cheats and cheaters means jack shit. He's bitter because his ex cheated. Doesn't mean the rules apply to him.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 14/11/2025 15:48

This wouldn't panic me. If you are going through night sweats and your own sleep issues then it makes sense that he sleeps in the spare room. The name could be anyone from work or a TV show. I think its strange that your mind went straight to cheating, it makes me wonder is there other suspicions. I also think it's a bit strange you've never asked him casually what he is up to on his phone. Its seems communication is lacking.

whirlyhead · 14/11/2025 15:49

My partner recently said very loudly in his sleep: "they're justified and they're ancient."

I think this is far more worrying – that is a shit song.

People can say anything in their sleep so that is really no indication whatsoever. I also have a VPN on my phone (as does my partner) so that isn't unusual either.

None of what you have said sounds terribly unusual really – my partner sometimes sleeps in the other room when he doesn't want to be disturbed, as do I sometimes (the bliss of a bed to myself...!)

Millytante · 14/11/2025 16:08

whirlyhead · 14/11/2025 15:49

My partner recently said very loudly in his sleep: "they're justified and they're ancient."

I think this is far more worrying – that is a shit song.

People can say anything in their sleep so that is really no indication whatsoever. I also have a VPN on my phone (as does my partner) so that isn't unusual either.

None of what you have said sounds terribly unusual really – my partner sometimes sleeps in the other room when he doesn't want to be disturbed, as do I sometimes (the bliss of a bed to myself...!)

I’ll have him, if you don’t want him! Any man who dreams about the KLF is fine by me 🙂
(Of course, the dream might have been about Tammy Wynette, so there’s that…)

TheJustJoker · 14/11/2025 16:21

Millytante · 14/11/2025 16:08

I’ll have him, if you don’t want him! Any man who dreams about the KLF is fine by me 🙂
(Of course, the dream might have been about Tammy Wynette, so there’s that…)

Show quote history

And don’t forget the ice cream van!

CuddlyPug · 14/11/2025 16:22

In my experience, people who rabbit on about never cheating are almost invariably cheating. People who are not interested in cheating never think to mention it.

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 14/11/2025 16:25

This is what I would do

Can I ask to see your phone?

I just want to see something

(Once you have phone in your hand)

Who's Sandra?

See how he reacts

FastFood · 14/11/2025 16:27

I love to remind people who worry about dreams that I once dreamt that I was in a long term relationship with a biscuit (and we were going through a rough patch).

Dreams are just nonsense. Like the KLF songs (still like them though!)

noidea69 · 14/11/2025 16:30

MauriceTheMussel · 14/11/2025 14:56

Is the hatred of cheaters a bit “doth protest too much”?

I had an ex that got on his soapbox about cheaters, and yet…was cheating (the ENTIRE relationship).

yeah this was my immediate thought as well.

Like the very vocal homophobes who turn out to be gay.

Swiftasthewind · 14/11/2025 16:49

He’s cheating sorry. I had a friend who had a husband and he called out a random woman’s name one night in his sleep. That random woman turned out to be his physiotherapist.

hereismydog · 14/11/2025 16:53

I wouldn’t put much stock in the sleep talking. My DP occasionally shouts random shit in his sleep; his most recent outburst was “No! I am from Samoa!” (spoiler: he isn’t) Grin

VPN is probably porn or streaming. Or you could just ask him.