Partner saying another name in sleep

[BoysBagsShoes]

Not sure if a proper AIBU, but as good as…

Trying to sleep the other night and partner suddenly blurts out another woman’s name in his sleep.
Not previous name of previous partners. I was shocked as he is the solid, dependable type, hates cheaters, ex wife was awful (I’ve heard/seen proof, not just his word).
Could be nothing, but…

• saw a VPN on his phone the other night
• has been spending LOTS more time on phone in evenings
• will often come to bed later than me (I do go up quite early, but not ridiculously so)
• Will sometimes sleep in spare room ‘to let me sleep’

I am suffering from extreme night sweats and insomnia due to perimenopause. His absolute abhorrence of cheating makes me think nothing, but that niggle is there. We have been through a lot, I can’t think why he would want to rip our lives, and family, apart.

Your 'friends in the adult industry' only meet the married men who are cheating with escorts because they are meeting these men during the course of their jobs as sex workers. It's like saying all men are gamblers because you've been told so by friends who work in a casino, or all men drink a lot because your friends in the pub trade have told you so.

OP, the VPN/phone thing strongly suggests he looks at porn, whether that's just browsing sites for video content or accessing cam girl sites, after you've gone to bed. Up to you whether some / all of that bothers you.

Saying a name in his sleep means nothing, though. People say all sorts in their sleep and dream about all sorts of things that they have zero control over. I once sat bolt upright in bed and said 'The mice have taken the corkscrew' and I don't even remember what I was dreaming about. My sister once told me that her partner had been really angry with her because she'd apparently said another man's name in her sleep, and she was totally baffled because she doesn't even know anyone by that name and certainly wasn't having an affair with them.

Thanks for stating the bleeding obvious

Oh no, I’m team Jess every time

We all have weird dreams and occasionally will say things out loud. It might be someone at work or just someone he met that day. The other behaviour is a bit troubling though. The VPN suggests porn (people use them to get around the ID law in the UK). It may just be that he’s wanking a lot.

I’d just ask him

When I was younger, team Jess. But at this point in my middle aged life, I'd love to be 20 and have a young, extremely rich and handsome man buy me nice things 😂i feel like it would solve all my problems

I have vivid dreams and nightmares and sleep paralysis occasionally, i hope I'm never judged on my messed up dream world!!

You could well be adding two and two and making five.
I couldn't count the weird dreams I have had.

If you are suspecting your dh of an affair, look for more physical proof.
Look at money going out of an account. Credit card charge?
Second phone, look for a charging cable.
Abrupt difference in time he gets home, alleged overtime but no extra money.
Preening in clothes or physique or hair dye.
Sudden change in music tastes or tv viewing.
Noticable change in intimacy. More/less, new positions, rebuffed.
Moodiness. Cheating people can get snappy and argumentative as they are not seeing their new love as often as they want
Mentionitus. New work colleague? Keep your ears pricked up for this.
The phone thing. Tricky @BoysBagsShoes , very tricky. Short of ripping the phone out of his hand or snooping, only you can decide.
Check the mileometer or sat nav or similar on his car. New routes?

This may all be just so much perimenopause topsy turvey.
You know your dh better than anyone. You have been together for how long?
Hope for the best, keep your senses alert for the worst.
All the best. xx

Good point ..... I had an ex who constantly went on and on and on about how "honourable" he was. He wasn't.

I feel like if somebody feels the need to tell your their behaviour is always good then it probably isn't.

OP, how much does your husband talk about cheating or not cheating?

I once had a sex dream about Boris Johnson 🤮

Same here. I laughed it off and ribbed him about it. It turned out that she was the OW.

Thank you all for your replies and suggestions.
He’s never gone on out cheating/cheaters, it’s just been the occasional comment when I’ve mentioned it in a passing conversation (not that it’s ever been a regular conversation).
He works in a job with people in different time zones and is expected to communicate with them in their time, so is often on phone at odd times. He’s also developed a strange love of X-don’t ask me why, I call see that he’s scrolling and will often share random stuff. He’s not secretive and will leave his phone about.
He has absolutely not upped his game recently in terms of appearance.
The name in his sleep really threw me, but judging by some of your dreams, it could be anything.
I’ll keep my eyes/ears open, just never thought I would be.

Gold

My ex used to do the same considerate stuff your partner does but it was actually just a front to give him space to indulge in his porn obsession.

In isolation I wouldn’t be worried by the sleep talk. I told my DH ‘Tom has a big dick’ in my sleep the other night. No idea who Tom is but pleased for him he is so well endowed. I chatter all sorts in my sleep

However the VPN, being on his phone, coming to bed late or sleeping in another room? All massive read flags which were like my ex husband. He too was disgusted by cheating, always said it was the worst thing, his dad had cheated on his mum so he could never. Yeah turns out he was cheating. Trust your gut. The name alone would not trigger this doubt unless you had other reasons.

How would a VPN make a difference when cheating? Presumably she's not going through the router logs

My DH, and one of my DDs talk a lot in their sleep. All sorts of random crap. DH once managed to punch me in the face, throwing his arms up in the air whilst celebrating scoring in the f.a. Cup final. He is definitely not a footballer and was totally horrified when I told him. Couldn't have been more apologetic

Dreams are weird ,I woke DW with snarling and growling .I was dreaming I was biting someone's arm.ive never bitten anyone.

Same. ExH was soooo vocal about loyalty and professed to despise cheaters.

Turned out he'd been at it the whole time, starting just weeks after our wedding.

I met a man on a course of the summer. We got on well enough but there was no attraction beyond that. I keep dreaming about him though. Should my husband be worried? (Answer: of course not) your partner can’t control what he dreams about. Do you trust him or not? And if not why not? That’s the issue.

@MaryBeardsShoes I do trust him, never had any reason not to. He’s the least likely bloke to ever be up to something.

I mean, I sometimes have weird dreams about our previous (older, not at all sexy) landlord. 🤣 He was a nice bloke and all, but not that sort of nice. I have absolutely zero attraction to him in any way. But he features in my dreams not infrequently. I have dreams about all sorts of random people. None of my dreams are (a) in my control or (b) in any way a reflection of my reality.

This!

Well then! If you trust him then trust him, don’t go looking for trouble.

I had a dream I shagged Boris Johnson. I promise you, I’m not having an affair with him