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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think that just leaving is no better than cheating?

113 replies

Camille99 · 14/11/2025 10:20

My husband left 2 years ago. He just told me he was leaving with no warning. He said he still loved me but wasn't in love with me. We were married for 7 years and have 2 children. He maintains he is a great guy because he left and didn't cheat. He left because he talked to a woman he liked on a night out. A week later he was with her. He actually thinks he's a nice guy and one of the good ones because he left instead of cheating. Like it doesn't cross his mind that he could have not left and forgotten about her and maintained our great family lives. He has even got a tattoo now of a wolf and below it it says "loyalty". You couldn't make it up.

OP posts:
ThatCyanCat · 14/11/2025 10:24

I'm sorry that happened to you. I think he was cheating, though, I doubt he left his marriage for a woman he only got with one week later. Arsehole. I think you're well shot.

Are you saying you'd have preferred him to cheat and to stay? (Obviously you'd rather he hadn't cheated at all, as you say.)

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 14/11/2025 10:25

Routinely People create a reality and a narrative that protects their ego and justifies their actions.He obviously sees himself as a principled man
Is he still with this woman?

takealettermsjones · 14/11/2025 10:28

I'm sorry this happened to you. It must have been so hard to deal with this coming right out of the blue, and I can tell it's still painful. Hopefully someone with better advice will be along soon but I would just say that this is a tale as old as time - the "good guy" who has a midlife crisis and leaves his wife and children for a woman in a club - take comfort in the fact that he's a walking cliché and a sad indictment of the male ego, and be glad you don't have to put up with that any more. Any more comments from him about how "good" he is can be handled with a swift "ok then" and move on to the kids. Good luck ❤️

GargoylesofBeelzebub · 14/11/2025 10:35

He was cheating. He is a liar as well as a cheat.

TheThingOnTheIce · 14/11/2025 10:38

Nah that’s still cheating
I mean he’s probably lying anyway as it’s highly unlikely he left for someone he met a week ago , that’s a massive gamble .

RoomByTheWindow · 14/11/2025 11:29

You’re a bit delusional

NoArmaniNoPunani · 14/11/2025 11:31

YANBU. At least you're not with a twat with a shit tattoo

Motnight · 14/11/2025 11:33

I think that he's a liar and a cheat rewriting history.

OneOpalScroller · 14/11/2025 11:34

He’s telling himself and everyone else, what makes him feel better.

BigNov · 14/11/2025 11:37

Like it doesn't cross his mind that he could have not left and forgotten about her and maintained our great family lives.

I think you’re being too emotional and sensitive about this. He didn’t want to be in a relationship with you…he wasn’t happy and wasn’t satisfied hence how his head turned. I feel I’m spelling out the obvious, but surely you get that your relationship had no longevity regardless? If he stayed, your relationship wouldn’t have been blissful as the cracks were already present on his side. He said he fell out of love with you.

Sartre · 14/11/2025 11:38

I think leaving is quite a principled thing to do in truth. The alternative to him leaving was him fucking her behind your back for months or years until you found out, would that really have been better?

I’m sorry this happened to you but do think you need to look at it from a different perspective. He would have been wasting your life had he stayed when he was unhappy enough to be cheating. Instead, you’ve had that time to reflect and hopefully start to move on.

One of my colleagues left his wife and son for a younger woman in a different department years ago. We all felt bad for his wife but he is still with the other woman and they’re very happy. I think he would have done more of a disservice to his wife and son had he had an affair for this long instead.

ginasevern · 14/11/2025 11:49

Sorry OP, but it's pretty obvious he didn't just talk to this woman once on a night out. He was cheating anyway. Probably been shagging her for some time.

Original poster
Camille99 · 14/11/2025 11:50

I doubt he was cheating with her as I do know she'd just moved back home after living away. If rather he didn't cheat and didn't leave and had just forgotten about her. I feel like if I fancied a man in a bar I'd just ignore it. Really is the fact that he maintains what he did was fine and there was nothing wrong with it at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Camille99 · 14/11/2025 11:51

ginasevern · 14/11/2025 11:49

Sorry OP, but it's pretty obvious he didn't just talk to this woman once on a night out. He was cheating anyway. Probably been shagging her for some time.

Yes I don't even care now. It's more that even if he wasn't he thinks that's fine and he's a great guy because he left first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Camille99 · 14/11/2025 11:52

Sartre · 14/11/2025 11:38

I think leaving is quite a principled thing to do in truth. The alternative to him leaving was him fucking her behind your back for months or years until you found out, would that really have been better?

I’m sorry this happened to you but do think you need to look at it from a different perspective. He would have been wasting your life had he stayed when he was unhappy enough to be cheating. Instead, you’ve had that time to reflect and hopefully start to move on.

One of my colleagues left his wife and son for a younger woman in a different department years ago. We all felt bad for his wife but he is still with the other woman and they’re very happy. I think he would have done more of a disservice to his wife and son had he had an affair for this long instead.

Yea my thinking was that it would have been better if he didn't have an affair and he didn't leave. Hopefully it works out well for me in the end.

OP posts:
BruisedNeckMeat · 14/11/2025 11:52

He was cheating.

Original poster
Camille99 · 14/11/2025 11:53

NoArmaniNoPunani · 14/11/2025 11:31

YANBU. At least you're not with a twat with a shit tattoo

Very true. He actually showed me the tattoo for no reason at all and I was nearly sick.

OP posts:
HelenaWaiting · 14/11/2025 11:54

RoomByTheWindow · 14/11/2025 11:29

You’re a bit delusional

You're a bit rude.

DisappearingGirl · 14/11/2025 11:57

Reminds me of the lyrics to Olivia Rodrigo's Traitor

It took you two weeks to go off and date her
Guess you didn't cheat, but you're still a traitor

pinkpony88 · 14/11/2025 11:58

NoArmaniNoPunani · 14/11/2025 11:31

YANBU. At least you're not with a twat with a shit tattoo

🤣

Throwntothewolves · 14/11/2025 12:00

BigNov · 14/11/2025 11:37

Like it doesn't cross his mind that he could have not left and forgotten about her and maintained our great family lives.

I think you’re being too emotional and sensitive about this. He didn’t want to be in a relationship with you…he wasn’t happy and wasn’t satisfied hence how his head turned. I feel I’m spelling out the obvious, but surely you get that your relationship had no longevity regardless? If he stayed, your relationship wouldn’t have been blissful as the cracks were already present on his side. He said he fell out of love with you.

Edited

So why didn't he try to fix the relationship when the cracks first started to appear, before he 'had his head turned'?

BigNov he was selfish before and after the split, and has decided on a narrative that suits him. I don't understand why you seem to believe it too though.
I think you should be extremely sceptical of his version of the truth, but instead of trying to figure it out, start regarding him as the delusional, selfish fool he is, like many others already do, even if they haven't said as much.

vellichoria · 14/11/2025 12:00

He said he still loved me but wasn't in love with me.

I never understood the meaning of this and wish someone could explain the meaning of this to me!

@Camille99 I think the other woman was on the scene when he decided to leave. I am guessing from your post that he may not have started his relationship with her before properly ending things with you and this is why he believes he was a nice guy. I don't really think it matters whether it's the same as cheating. It just sounds like he fell in love with someone else. If he really did decide to end your relationship before starting the new one, then I would see that as a decent and right thing to do.

Could he have just forgotten about the other woman and just stayed in the relationship? This depends on how strongly he felt about her. Even if he did stay and eventually forgot about her, the point is that he didn't, unfortunately, feel strongly enough about your relationship to stay. Would you prefer it that he stayed and you may never meet someone, who truly loves you, and instead live your life with someone who doesn't?

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2025 12:02

Is he still with her?

Just reading about the tattoo made me want to gag so I feel for you having to see it. I’d have vomited on him.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 14/11/2025 12:03

But he didn't want to be in a relationship with you. You did not have a great family life, from his POV.

I am in a sexless marriage where I am not happy, because although on the surface DH is a great dad, he does not pull his weight around the house. I would like to leave because I want sex and would like to find a relationship where that is possible before I am too old.

I have chosen for the moment to not just leave because of the family. DH does not work and would be in a very bad financial situation if I left. I would also not be able to fund 2 households in the area we are now, so we'd need to move and the kids would lose their bedrooms, change schools, move away from friends. I judge that is too much disruption for them right now.

So I am prioritising family life now but it is shit. It is not a choice between "be happy with your family or cheat", it's a choice between "sign up to a crappy relationship you don't want to be in or leave and hurt people".

BillieWiper · 14/11/2025 12:04

Why are you buying his absolute cobblers. People don't leave their near decade long relationships with kids because they saw a woman in a pub that looks fit. Of course he was cheating.

So what if he thinks he's a nice guy. He's clearly not one. So just block him and move on with your life.

But if leaving is as bad as cheating how exactly is one supposed to terminate an unhappy relationship they are no longer willing to work on?