AIBU to think that just leaving is no better than cheating?

[Camille99]

My husband left 2 years ago. He just told me he was leaving with no warning. He said he still loved me but wasn't in love with me. We were married for 7 years and have 2 children. He maintains he is a great guy because he left and didn't cheat. He left because he talked to a woman he liked on a night out. A week later he was with her. He actually thinks he's a nice guy and one of the good ones because he left instead of cheating. Like it doesn't cross his mind that he could have not left and forgotten about her and maintained our great family lives. He has even got a tattoo now of a wolf and below it it says "loyalty". You couldn't make it up.

Those things aren’t mutually exclusive. Ultimately he doesn’t love her! He can’t magically make that return regardless of him being selfish or not - if anything him being a selfish fool makes it less likely that their relationship would have ever recovered. Being in love is a bare minimum to make a relationship work, you are delusional if you think otherwise.

The wolf tattoo - dear god what a moron.

If he could leave you based on one conversation, I’m sorry to say that it doesn’t sound like he was particularly happy in the marriage anyway, so he did the right thing leaving.

We see women told on this site again and again that they can leave if they want to - they don’t need a reason. He wanted to leave, so he did.

I think its the least worst choice tbh.
not excusing or condoning the behaviour, if you know you're out and you dont want to drag it then the best thing is just to leave.

he decided to choose himself and what he wants over what's best for his family unit.

I think the meaning is frequently "I've just experienced that insane rush of hormones that you get when you meet someone new and our daily life love cannot compare to that feeling, so interpret my hormones as in love and our long term relationship as just love."

Hope his tattoo gets infected

I think cheating is part of a broader commitment to work on the relationship and find a path through difficult times. So to me, just walking away because he saw a pretty woman in a bar is just as bad as cheating. Loyalty means not just giving up. What he did was the direct opposite of loyal.

OP, I think you need to stop analysing this. It happened two years ago and the relationship is long since over. It doesn't matter why/when he left; the fact is that he wasn't happy and he didn't want to be in the relationship any more. Whether that's because he met someone else or just didn't feel enough for you any more is immaterial. The end result is the same.

Dwelling on this isn't going to help you.

But are you pretending everything is fine or are you being honest with your partner???? Pretending everything is fine when you feel like this is not ok.

Yea I just think he would have been a better man if he'd given me a little tiny indication that things weren't good instead of pretending he had been happy as anything and then suddenly doing a 360.

Honestly if it’s done it’s done
the difference is he was a lot further down the tracks
where as this bombshell came out if the blue to you he was already done and processed this long before

as for if he was cheating who knows but I wouldn’t give it was a given he was

@Camille99 but aren’t you glad he left?? Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?

Yes I am I just hate how I have to listen to him tell me and everyone else what a great guy he is because he left instead of cheating!

I'm in the same position ( although I'd be happy never to have sex again, I'd just like to be left alone to do my own thing!) and an making the same choice for the same reasons.

This doesn’t make even a jot of sense. You think a man who stays but cheats is more loyal than a man who falls for someone else and chooses to leave rather than cheat?!

Would that have changed the outcome though?

Like it doesn't cross his mind that he could have not left and forgotten about her and maintained our great family lives.

How do you do that with someone you've fallen out of love with?

Even if the woman never existed, if you don't love someone anymore then maintaining a great family life would be pretty much impossible.

Yes definitely. I wouldn't have been so absolutely blindsided.

He wasn't committed to you, your relationship or maintaining a family with you. He certainly wasn't loyal. I often think people are attractive. I'm married not dead from the waist down. In 15 years I haven't pursued anyone else because I choose my children's stability and my H above my vagina. Your Ex isn't a big loss.

You can spend a lot of time and energy here focusing on the wrong thing. My Exh cheated on me and left - although he always maintained (and still does) that it wasnt really cheating as he only kissed her and didn't have sex, even though it went on for a year - people make things up to make themselves feel better and I actually think he believes his story. I spent a long time,probably about a year, waiting for karma to catch up with him and being angry that he could waltz off and re write history. I went to counselling and realised I only hurting myself. You cant control what he thinks or does - you cant make him see he is an arse. You can't re write history - nothing can change what happened,you have to accept that to be able to move on. What you can do though is own your story - him telling a different narrative does not alter your truth. You know what he did was unkind and that he left his family and shacked up with someone very quickly. Own it, and now turn your attention to living your life and find a way to let go of the hurt and pain.

I left my ex because I had major ick and everything he did was annoying me. A whole lot of wee small things. I had a lightbulb moment and just left. Just said. I’m done. It’s over.

I wasn’t cheating and I didn’t have anyone in the wings.

so according to you that’s as bad as if I’d cheated? Really?

I wouldn’t say he’s a good guy but I also wouldn’t call him a villain and I do think what he did is better than lying and cheating. Cheating makes your question everything because of the lying you then can’t trust a word they say and ever know if they’re telling the truth. Also he clearly didn’t think he had a happy family life if he did what he did. It’s harsh but his reality was not yours.

Read what I wrote not just the title 🤣

What’s funny?

I don’t think leaving is as bad as cheating and I’m wondering why you’re so fixated on it two years later.

You would rather he had stayed and been unhappy with you?
Your emotions are ruling your head here. Be glad that he just left and didn’t mess you about for years on end. He had checked out of your marriage then met someone which was the catalyst to him leaving. That’s better than any alternative given that he didn’t want to be with you any longer.