Men who don’t commit. How did you know when to call time on it? Here’s my embarrassingly pathetic scenario

[Sekrn]

Rather embarrassingly, I stayed with my Dd’s father after pregnancy, despite him refusing to move in with me (we were a year into dating at the time and baby wasn’t planned, though we were both well into 30s and wanted kids in future!).

Anyway, DD is now 4.5. I’m 38. I always wanted more children and DP (now ex) always said he wanted more with me. He kept saying we would move in and yet the goalposts constantly changed. He always saw DD but I felt in a state of confusion and sadness for the majority of time we were together. In summer I ended things and he’s since just tried to continue as usual.. nice messages every night, little gifts here and there… no acknowledgment of the fact I’ve called time on this and it’s over. Obviously he doesn’t stay over anymore.

I had a date last week which was nice and I might see them again but realistically I can’t imagine meeting someone and being ready for another child with them before it’s too late. I feel so shit and so stupid for entertaining his bollocks for so long and I feel crushed that he can’t even respect my boundary now by keeping communication just about Dd (he still talks to me like im his partner). How did others deal with a non committal man? It was so hard to end it as he always dangled the carrot but in the end I was just so sad that being alone seemed preferable to being sad with him.

Why are you being so horrible to yourself? Stop it.

I'm a bit confused as to what you are asking - as the title of your post sounds as if you aren't acknowledging that you are broken up. But the body of your text states that you are and want advice on how to deal with someone who doesn't commit. I think you need to really put your foot down and it sounds as if you might have a boundary issue because you are reminiscing about time spent with him, wishing it could have been different, and wondering if your time is running out in terms of fertility. But this is all clouding the fact that you know full well he isn't the person for you and you have made the decision to separate. I think you need to move on more than you have to be honest and as I say, that starts with a total change of dynamic. Unless he's texting about your DD you don't need to respond. Give any gifts back and remind him that you are not together. Don't let him step over the lines, hold firm. There will be someone better out there for you. Someone who would think that living with your child and partner is really the bare minimum required in a proper adult relationship.

Just dont engage with him unless about dd. Ignore texts and dont accept gifts. Tell him.about the date.

You’ve left him now which is the important thing. You can’t change the past so focus on yourself and what you need to make you happy.
Sone men will string you along for the fun of it. Future faking comes so easily to them. Plenty of us stay too long.
But once you’re out, don’t go back (many times like I did). They never change.

You need to put a stop to this. You’re only hurting yourself, so stop tolerating it.

@Eyesopenwideawake well I’m the only person to blame for ending up where I have

You left him and are trying to move on. If your ex messages you about anything unrelated to your DD, just ignore it.

Don’t beat yourself up about this.

@Arlanymor i suppose I was just sharing that it’s been difficult to reach the point of break up as he dangled so many carrots for so long. I just wanted to talk to others who may have been through similar and also felt their fertile years had been wasted.

I am sure I’ve made the right decision with the breaks up. I just can’t believe I put up with it for so long.

@Brightbluesomething thanks. I am so sad I wasted so many fertile years with him. And also the good years of being able to meet someone else!

Even this thread is drifting and procrastinating and vague… You need help being decisive and committing. You, not him. He can’t carry on as usual if you don’t let him. You’re just letting life happen to you. No wonder you feel terrible. Take control of yourself and your future.

@canklesmctacotits i have ended it. I can’t control what he puts in messages. I’ve asked him not to send anything that isn’t related to DD. I also do not accept any gifts and give them back to him.

If you’re very firm that things have ended then in time it won’t matter what he messages. But you have to know in yourself that no matter what he says or does you are not moving from this standpoint.

I also understand that it must be painful if you wanted more than one child. But he is not the right person to have another child with. Also you and your DD will be able to have so many adventures together the older she gets. I was an only child to a single (widowed) mum and we had some fantastic holidays and fun times together growing up. I’m now married with my own DH and DC but me and my mum still go away on weekends together. Don’t underestimate how strong the bond will be between you and DD.

Here's my advice - people might not like it, and its a little toxic but I stand by it

Get pregnant by him again so you have two kids with the same shit guy rather than finding another man. Youre 38 and dont have lots of years left

Prepare to be a single mum to two, with a little support from him, at least financially

Then when youre ready, really start over and start dating again xx

@MummyJ36 thank you this was so lovely to read and will make me go to bed feeling more positive tonight

@mumofoneAloneandwell thanks, one of the reasons ultimately ended it was because he promised we would ttc in July (after putting it off the last few years) and he still refused to stop using condoms.

Youre gonna have to get creative or outright tell him that you want one more but arent arsed about the relationship then imo xx

I can totally understand it - it's rough when you love someone and you just want them to step up and they never do, despite promising you that they will, or that things will be different, repeat ad nauseam.

But the positive is that you have seen this, you know it's the right thing to do. And while you can't get the time back, you absolutely can make the most of the time that you have ahead. If it helps, my best friend has three children - the first was when she was 39 and the last when she was 44. Never say never.

Get creative? You suggesting she sabotages the condoms, or trick him into getting her pregnant another way? That is just wrong

Very difficult to move on if he’s still contacting you in this way.

You only lasted as long as you did because you got pregnant. If he loved you and wanted to live with you, marry you and have more babies with you then that’s exactly what you would be doing. He doesn’t want that hence your situation.
Time tO walk away completely. Perhaps you will meet the love of your life, if you believe in such things. It’s not this man.

My paternal grandmother was 43 when my daddy was born. Grandfather was 58. It’s not too late but every day you waste with him is one day less you have to try.

No, in convincing him! 😭

And you know it’s time to walk away when you both want different things. If women want commitment via marriage etc then you don’t have a baby until you’re married and you don’t rush into it either. Simple as that.

Why not freeze some eggs while you figure things out..?

Why not just enjoy your life with your lovely DD? Isn't she enough?