Men who don’t commit. How did you know when to call time on it? Here’s my embarrassingly pathetic scenario

[Sekrn]

Rather embarrassingly, I stayed with my Dd’s father after pregnancy, despite him refusing to move in with me (we were a year into dating at the time and baby wasn’t planned, though we were both well into 30s and wanted kids in future!).

Anyway, DD is now 4.5. I’m 38. I always wanted more children and DP (now ex) always said he wanted more with me. He kept saying we would move in and yet the goalposts constantly changed. He always saw DD but I felt in a state of confusion and sadness for the majority of time we were together. In summer I ended things and he’s since just tried to continue as usual.. nice messages every night, little gifts here and there… no acknowledgment of the fact I’ve called time on this and it’s over. Obviously he doesn’t stay over anymore.

I had a date last week which was nice and I might see them again but realistically I can’t imagine meeting someone and being ready for another child with them before it’s too late. I feel so shit and so stupid for entertaining his bollocks for so long and I feel crushed that he can’t even respect my boundary now by keeping communication just about Dd (he still talks to me like im his partner). How did others deal with a non committal man? It was so hard to end it as he always dangled the carrot but in the end I was just so sad that being alone seemed preferable to being sad with him.

Ah ok, fair enough!

Get creative? When men do this it is called rape no do not do this

Be honest and do what is best for the child you have now

This. You have power to put boundaries in place, but you are hand wringing. Please tell us you don't respond to your exes messaging 'As though we are still together' AT. ALL. Take charge of the situation. You don't have to tell your ex anything except just the once to say you will only be communicating re your daughters care, no explanation. Your personal and dating life is FA to do with him. Move on and don't let him drag you back to a situation that suits him.

I don't blame him!

So the gap between his words and his actions was huge. And you eventually learned to go with the actions rather than the words.

Do you know what is actually happening with those men- they know they are lying. He never ever intended to be with you permanently. He liked you enough for fucking, but he never (never ever) saw you as more than that. He has zero respect for you, and why should he, when you let yourself be treated like shit by an absolute toe rag like him?

You need to get truly feel angry and contemptuous of him. It’s very very freeing.

You can’t control what he puts in messages but you definitely can control how you respond to them. Everything he says is a lie, designed to keep a hook in you.

He’s doing it to control you.

It’s difficult to understand because it’s not something you would do yourself. Accept that you did the right thing for you with the information you had at the time. In hindsight, it wasn’t right but it doesn’t matter. The time has passed. Be kind to yourself.

Start to view him for what he really is, a selfish prick. Ignore messages that aren’t about DD. Hand back gifts or chuck them in the bin/give them to the charity shop.

You still have time on the children front but you need to start seeing him for what he is, an ex who wronged you. Overthinking the situation is draining energy that you need to put ino moving on.

Hah, no advice I can give OP, just wanted to say similar happened to me in the sense of having a non-committal man who dangled the carrot for years... Said he wanted to live together, get married, adored me etc I was the love of his life, but would never actually do either. 8 years of this BS, I gave one last go of trying to plan moving in together, offering to pay for everything if we got a place together, he refused, I ended it...

... And he also just acted like we'd never broken up! Absolutely bizarre. I stayed in contact to try and remain friends but he acted the exact same towards me, saying he loved me, same tone of messages and phone calls, including still trying to arrange to come over at the weekend. Even though I'd say no, it didn't put him off. Nothing changed for him at all!

Left me really unsettled, like I'd never actually been in a relationship with him on the first place. I was always just a casual regular hook up... And this was just how he was with casual regular hook ups. Only thing that went against that was his friends and family knew I was his girlfriend. But my god it was bizarre how the break up did not alter his behaviour/words/actions at all.

Had to just start outright ignoring him. Even then he'd still try, send gifts to me from amazon wishlist here and there, even when he knew I'd moved on and was living with someone else. He's given up now... I think.

Hi OP, maybe move to one of the co-parenting apps for communications?

Perhaps rather than trying to be sneaky about it, be open. “Look, you know I want a second child, and times ticking. So I’m under no impression you want us to be a proper couple and family ever, do you want to be the father of baby 2 as well or would you prefer if I have a second child with someone else?” Be clear you are planning on sleeping with other men. (Or possibly using a sperm donor)

That said, he may well start being difficult about having dd at his house to avoid you having a chance to sleep with other men.

You are being hard on yourself. Well done for breaking free-ish. Keep going. You need to reframe your narrative or it will always drag you down. You have a wonderful daughter who will bring you much joy, it sounds like you are successfully living independently. What else? Family, friends, career, travel, hobbies?

Personally, I would take it very slowly with dating right now, until you are totally secure in your self-worth.

I think you need to ask yourself why your confidence is so low you’d accept such a shoddy deal for you and your DD? I personally would not want another child in the circumstance and position you describe. You don’t mention if you are financially secure, but if not, you deserve someone who cares about you - not some sideshow who isn’t bothered. Anyway Bristish Vogue has declared men unfashionable, I’m inclined to agree: https://www.vogue.co.uk/article/is-having-a-boyfriend-embarrassing-now.