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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be able to choose the god parents I want for my baby?

38 replies

HadEnoughAlready · 07/06/2008 20:17

I'm PG at the moment with baby no.2. Decided that I wanted my best friend (who I see every day) to be one godmother and my DH's sister to be the other. Thought this was fair as my sister is godmother to my DS.

Two weeks ago on a rare visit to my sister she asked about who the godmothers would be this time to the new baby. When I told her my choices she got really pissed off and said that I would be the godmother to any kids she would have as friends come and go but she'll always be my sister.

Since then she's not spoken to me and has really got the hump about it. The last thing I want is for her to be upset with me and have sent her a card apologising and also sent emails. To no response.

I have said that i'd like her to be a godmother but in which case there will be 3 godmothers as am not demoting anyone I have already chosen. (am not really fussed about the amount- and would like to keep the peace where possible).

Have heard absolutely nothing from her. I did feel bad even though i'm happy with my choices but now feel annoyed with her lack of response and think she is being very childish .

So AIBU?

OP posts:

Upwind · 07/06/2008 20:21

YANBU

She is being a loon, you get to choose your baby's godparents

yorkshirepudding · 07/06/2008 20:24

Message withdrawn

ShinyPinkShoes · 07/06/2008 20:24

She is behaving like a spoilt teenager and you are most certainly not being unreasonable at all!

Cannot believe she has not responded to your messages- that alone isn't a terribly mature way to behave is it?

Original poster

HadEnoughAlready · 07/06/2008 20:31

What makes me wonder tho is that my mum agrees with her and keeps phoning me to see 'if i've made it up with her yet?'

Her view is that no-one we've chosen is from their side of the family

Isn't the choice of my best friend enough for 'my side'? My DS loves her and she's been a complete lifeline to me since i had my DS.

My sister on the other hand, lives about 50 miles away and I see her every 3 months or so. She's always been possessive over who i am friends with and always makes really harsh judgements on people! I refuse to back down on this and am happy for her to be a godmother aswell but I draw the line at being the one to phone and grovel!!

OP posts:

OFSTEDoutstanding · 07/06/2008 21:06

YANBU I went through exactly the same when ds was christened. Me and dh chose our best friends as god parents as not only did we see them much more than any other family members imo family members should (in theory) always be there for each other if anything was to happen, therefore the godparents we chose extended our family for ds so to speak. My mum went mental and said that it wasn't right that we didn't have any 'blood relatives' as god parents. I am currently pg with dd and when she gets christened I will choose the same people again, though in the past 3 years since ds was christened my mum has come round to the idea and I don't think that she will be at all surprised when we announce godparents this time around!
Have whoever you want it is your child and you can do whatever you want regardless of other peoples opinions.

yorkshirepudding · 07/06/2008 21:08

Message withdrawn

alicet · 07/06/2008 21:11

YANBU. The way your sister has reacted just confirms that.

Actualy if I were you I would withdraw the invitation to be a third godmother. She is behaving atrociously.

I am quite angry on your behalf actually!!! Why do people make things that are totally non of their business such a bloody battle? It's noone's RIGHT to be a godparent - it's a privledge to be asked!!!!

GreenElizabeth · 07/06/2008 21:13

The answer to this is "EXACTLY, you'll always be my sister, ALWAYS be my baby's aunt". So by picking another person as a Godparent you are bringing 'on board' another person to love and look out for your child.

alicet · 07/06/2008 21:14

I'm with yorkshirepudding actually that I wouldn't ask family to be godparents as they already have a role in your dc's lives don't they? For me it would be about choosing people to be there just for them. I would choose different people for each ds too.

Academic though as we are not getting them christened...

WigWamBam · 07/06/2008 21:15

She is being childish.

Stick with your choice of godparents and ignore her emotional blackmail; she'll get over it.

Hulababy · 07/06/2008 21:17

YANBU and you should definitely chose who you want to be godparents.

We actually didn;t choose any family for godparents - it was a deliberate thing too. To us, choosing godparents was to extend our DD's family circle. Aunties and uncles already have a role in DD's lfe. We wanted to give close friends a role and a special place in DD's life too.

DonDons · 07/06/2008 21:19

agree with greenelizabeth - maybe remind her that she will always be the auntie anyway. YANBU

ShinyPinkShoes · 07/06/2008 21:29

I would throw her argument back in her face to be honest with you:

She says that "family are always there, and friends come and go"

Right, to a certain extent- so in that case is it not kind of a 'given' that your family are unconditionally there for your children?

They do not need Godparent status to be important in your children's lives- they already ARE

amytheearwaxbanisher · 07/06/2008 21:31

yanbu we got grief about who we picked everyone wanted to be god parents but its up to you and not your relatives

Original poster

HadEnoughAlready · 07/06/2008 21:45

GreenElizabeth-that's so true- I just wish she could see it that way.

ShinyPinkShoes- that's a really good point- when we eventually speak and this comes up i'll raise it.

alicet - the longer she gives me the cold shoulder the more i'll consider that!

TBH I could use some support from her as my DH is working away at the moment and i'm exhausted by my toddler (who has only just gone to bed-despite only having 30 mins sleep today he seems to have a 'nap' at 7 and up again to play at 8!!). This is the last thing I need to deal with right now.

I used to speak to her at least several times in the week and i'm finding her silence really hard to deal with. She'd better get over it by next week I have a cardiac scan for the baby (I had a high nuchal fold result at the 13 week scan). I feel like I have bigger things to worry about than her hurt feelings as there is a chance that this baby may have something wrong. Scan is on Thursday and i'm so scared by what they might find.

OP posts:

Original poster

HadEnoughAlready · 07/06/2008 21:45

wow sorry don't know where all that came from

OP posts:

madmuggle · 07/06/2008 21:47

I think it's nice to have non-family godparents. It enlarges the family somewhat which can only be good for the wee ones

TinkerbellesMum · 07/06/2008 22:02

TBD's friend didn't like that we weren't having Tink christened as we don't believe in it, but going for a Dedication instead as she should be godmother. We discussed it and decided to have godparents, partly because she wanted to be godmother and partly because TBD grew up Anglican so it incorporated his upbringing a little. She's hardly had anything to do with her since and TBD is upset because his friend has let us down after making a fuss. Her godfathers are wonderful, her other godmother is great, but she has three children and a son less than a year younger but she does take an interest though.

Anyway, the moral of my story, choose what you want in the way of godparents for yourself. Family does seem an odd choice to me because you would expect them to take an interest in the upbringing of your children without having to make promises to.

It reminds me of my sisters wedding. When I married I had her as chief bridesmaid. When she married she asked her friend. I didn't mind until we were talking and I said that she had a lot more choice of bridesmaids than I did (we have nieces now) and she got upset "so you didn't want me?" I said (very politely, not making a point... ) that she will always be my first choice of chief bridesmaid, after all, she is my only sister. I'm not upset she chose someone else, I'm upset that she chose someone else and got upset when she thought I wouldn't have chosen her.

Kimi · 07/06/2008 22:04

Your sister is being a very stupid woman, I think you need to stop asking her forgivness as she is the one who has behaved badly not you.

You can replace her as godparent to your first child you know, if godparents do not fulfill their responcibilty (sp) you can replace them, might be an idea to let her know that.
As for your mother siding with her that seems very unfair, I think you need to tell your mother that you are not the one being childish here and unless she is willing to see your side of it also to butt out.

I hope everything is ok for your scan, I am sure you do not need the added stress of your sister being so stupid and childish at the moment.

AbbeyA · 07/06/2008 22:11

YANBU -I would withdraw the invitation to be 3rd godmother. It isn't usual to have the same ones for each DC. It is your choice.

Original poster

HadEnoughAlready · 07/06/2008 22:15

That's what I thought AbbeyA- it would also be good for some of our friends to be involved in our DC's lives. Its annoying as I was pressured into having DH's sister as the other godmother when I would have preferred another of my friends to fulfil this role. My DH chose both godfathers which are two of his friends.

OP posts:

mummyrayjay · 07/06/2008 22:24

Your sister will be aunty to all of your children, it does not make sense for her to be godmother to all of you children..

My sister made me godmother to her first dd. Her second dd's godmother was her dh sister. If my sister had anymore babies I would not expect to be godmother.

She needs to grow up. And I don't think you should of sent her a card to say sorry. You sound like a very nice sister, trying not to upset her, don't let her take advantage.

barnstaple · 07/06/2008 22:25

YANBU. You sister is bonkers and behaving like a 6 yo.

AbbeyA · 07/06/2008 22:25

We had great trouble finding them. We felt we couldn't ask people that we would really have liked because they wouldn't have been able to make the promises in church and we didn't want to put them in a difficult position. We didn't think of using the same people. All 3 DSs have different godparents.

TinkerbellesMum · 07/06/2008 23:41

Out of our choices, 1 is atheist, 1 is goodness knows what she used to come to church with us but is also into tarot cards, 1 has a shelf full of "gods" and prays to them all "just in case" and 1 used to sing in a Christian band.

The words for the godparents at a Dedication are that they promise to take a special interest in the child's life. There are not many people I would ask to be a "religious" influence in my children's lives as I believe the most important influences are us and, as you can probably tell, our friends aren't exactly the most "religious" bunch (hate the word religion BTW, hence the quotations). The people we chose were people we thought would take a special interest in her, look out for her etc.

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